Friends pressuring me to tell ex about pregnancy

[Bunny44]

Hello, AIBU? My long term ex and I both remained friends with another couple separately after our break up 7 years ago. I'm a bridesmaid and he's a groomsman at their wedding at the end of June. My ex and I are on amicable terms although he doesn't seem to have totally moved on. We don't talk regularly.

I've very recently gone through another devastating break up where I'm pregnant and my recent partner left me for someone else. I told my friend about the pregnancy at 12 weeks because she wanted us to get bridesmaid dresses now and I will be around 7 months pregnant at the wedding. A few days ago I received messages from her partner asking me when I was going to tell my long term ex about the pregnancy because it was really hard for him to lie to him about it and he thought my ex would be upset and wanted to give him time to be ok in time for the wedding. I was in the middle of a shitstorm with the baby's father and told the guy that I was planning on telling my ex when I had my own head round the matter, which wasn't yet but maybe in a few weeks. He wasn't happy with this response and continued to complain how this put him in an awkward position but I chose to ignore these messages since I'm trying to be less stressed given the wider situation with the pregnancy.

But then today I received more messages from my this guy asking me again when I was going to tell my ex and how hard it was for him to keep lying. It really stressed me out so I decided to message my friend (his parner) to complain and say that it was really upsetting me to be put under this type of pressure during such a hard time, but she said she agreed with him and that I needed to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

The conversation went on for a while where I tried repeatedly to ask them for space and understanding and they refused to acknowledge my feelings about it. I said I felt that they were prioritising their feelings and my ex's feelings over mine when it's me who is pregnant and should be up to me who I discuss it with. Also I think my ex would be upset about how they're approaching this. I don't think I'm being unreasonable? How do I get them to back off?

@Crumpleton
That is exactly my thought and 1 I think a lot of people have overlooked.

I have been to a wedding where there were ex's and it did cause tension. Not for these reasons but I can totally see why the B&G may be concerned about this sort of thing and want to nip it in the bud before it ruins their wedding day.

Imo it's unacceptable for anyone to pressure you to tell anyone about your pregnancy. It's also unacceptable for them to break the news on your behalf if you haven't OK'd it. (It sounds like you have though so that shop may have sailed!) Unless they are the child's father they have no right to know it's completely up to you when you are comfortable telling people which it does not sound like you are.
I only had a select few know about my pregnancy until 20 weeks (and until I had to tell work pre 25 weeks obviously) my husband, my mum, my dad and my best friend that's it. My best friend would not have even DREAMED of telling her husband let alone friends/aquaintances/ex's.
By the time you get to the wedding you will be 7 months pregnant, in your third trimester and you will feel the way you feel. You may feel in a couple of months time much more confident and want to broadcast it, you may want your ex to find out on the day when he sees you are pregnant. There is tonnes of time to for you to decide that and it's no one else's business.
They are your friends so only you know what they are like but if mine treated me like this I would 100% step down from the wedding. They are the ones making it a drama by pulling the ex in.

These are not your friends, no matter how much you think they are. I bet you they were little school bullies as well. I'd be backing out of that wedding and telling them to fuck right off. They have zero respect for you.

Yes they could do but could feel they're getting mixed messages from her about her feeling pressured by the Groom to tell her ex.
Maybe they just feel it not their story to tell.

I think what struck me was OP complaining that the groom-to-be didn't ask her how she was. It suggests a different perspective.

The fact that they didn't want baby's father at the wedding when the two of them were still together implies that there has been a lot of drama already.

The groom-to-be seems like he is trying to give his friend, the long ago ex a chance to find out the situation at an appropriate time. Maybe he's a nice person who would be sad that someone he knew years ago is going through a hard time and the groom-to-be doesn't want him to be preoccupied at the wedding.

I have been to a wedding where there were ex's and it did cause tension. Not for these reasons but I can totally see why the B&G may be concerned about this sort of thing and want to nip it in the bud before it ruins their wedding day.

Then B&G should mention it to the ex.
By making OP tell him it’s creating a lot of drama.
I mean who contacts an ex from 7 years ago to tell them this - no-one!

Why are OPs ‘friends’ not concerned that OPs ‘actual’ ex has left her and she’s pregnant. OP must have massive other priorities - she’s growing a new human, does she have to find somewhere else to live, how are her finances, she must be devastated - serious B&G are NOT your friends!

Friends like this, you don't need.

Funnily enough, I do also understand the groom to be's position. He knows his friend will be hurt, and he feels so guilty that he knows something that is gonna hurt his friend and he didn't say anything. Put yourself in his position if it was your wedding and you knew this about someone and it would hurt your best friend who is the bridesmaid. But even so, its not their news to share. I dont think they are being good friends to you by pressuring you.

This.

They're being ridiculous, and prioritising everything EXCEPT you. And you're the one having a stressful, difficult time while growing a baby.

They rather suck.

I'd send them the link to this thread when you tell them your friendship with them appears to be done.

If you care about him knowing then get on and tell him yourself, otherwise tell your mutual friends to let him know.

I guess they're trying to avoid the potential for it to cause a scene on their big day, which is fair enough (it shouldn't be, but then none of you can police your ex's feelings, and you all seem aware that he still has some for you).

What awful people.

I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this crap on top of a very difficult situation.

Why on Earth is the groom discussing you with your ex anyway??? Discuss the wedding and what is required of him, what you two shall be doing maybe but your pregnancy or relationship status has nothing to do with all that. It’s very weird.

I would message them and say you have been advised by your doctor to alleviate stress. Tell them that the pressure you are under to disclose the pregnancy is causing you stress. That you are not ready to talk to anyone about the pregnancy (or surrounding circumstances) beyond close family. You have told them as a courtesy as it impacts the ordering of a bridesmaid dress for you and you might not be able to take part in certain things for their wedding. Tell them if they push the matter any further you will be forced to withdraw from the wedding as it is impacting the health of you and the baby and you don’t want to be harassed.

Their behaviour is ghastly and completely inconsiderate of you. Hope you are alright.

This is really odd. All I can assume is they know more than you do, which is your ex is still really hung up on you, which in itself is creepy as fuck , and he’s going to be devastated when he finds out. So they are thinking it makes no difference to you if he knows but it is going to be a huge blow and they feel uncomfortable knowing and not telling him,

I think I’d say look we broke up 7 years ago, my pregnancy is not his business, this isn’t about him, and I won’t let you make it about him,

Just pull out OP. Way too much drama when you’re pregnant.

I think they've told your long term ex already and are pressuring you to "tell" to get them off the hook.

Like PP have said they are not your friends. Infact their acting like flying monkeys.

"They're " sorry

My feeling is that your ex is more hung up on you than you realise and maybe hopes to get back together still . Perhaps he’s confided in the groom ?

There is no reason why an ex of 7 years needs an announcement from you . I’d consider why the couple are hassling you and whether you really need the extra hassle of attending this wedding .

id be tempted to ask them if there is more to this than you realise

So myself and the baby's father weren't together that long - only a year, and we'd been doing long-distance for the first part of the relationship, so the couple hadn't met him yet, but then he moved in with me and the conversation came up about whether or not he'd be invited - I enquired and by no means made it sound like I was expecting it, but then I got a long message back about how they didn't know him and they were worried about my ex's feelings.

It has given me the impression they have a problem with me moving on, maybe even more than my ex. When I highlighted to the groom that it was a difficult time for me, he suggested I'd had enough time to process the situation and that I must have known it was possible the relationship wasn't going to work with my baby's father and I should be fine about sharing my happy news and that I should be more concerned about how my long-term ex would process it.

My family were so upset about the way the couple have carried on that they asked me to stop engaging in the conversation and so I've told the groom that if he wants to discuss further he can take it up with my dad (who him and my ex both know), otherwise I will let my ex know when I am actually ready.

You don’t mention having dc with this ex so I fail to see why they’re even slightly bothered. Odd.

Bloody hell, why do they think he’ll care after 7 years? Really odd!

Yes but if you know the person in question is going through a really stressful time and I've already said I will tell me ex, I think the harrsament is unnecessary. I never planned to just turn up pregnant to the wedding.

My ex and I almost got married and then called it off and it was a very painful time for both of us so I didn't want to blindsight him at our friend's wedding. But that said this current situation with the pregnancy and breaku[ is more raw for me than any of the past experiences and quite frankly lifechanging - for me and not for my ex. And funnily enough he's a decent person and I think he'd understand that, unlike my this couple.

Wow, they have zero tact and seem to love a drama. Why not just say re your recent ex's attendance- 'so sorry, we've finalised all the arrangements and can't add another now'?!

Also yes, suggesting you should have a) been expecting this and b) be on an even keel by now and ready to prioritise their feelings, not even actually your ex's. Are they always like this? Judgemental and inflexible.

Doesn’t sound like your ex would be too happy that your friends are putting you through such nonsense during what is likely the most difficult experience of your life @Bunny44 he sounds kind as do you.

This still doesn’t mean you have to dance to the tunes of your friends who really should be supporting you no questions asked.

Tell him when you’re ready, I think I’d have the same idea as you. Tell him before the wedding or just have them drop it into conversation with him.

I hope that you are doing as well as you can be during this nightmare, I’m sorry baby’s dad is putting you through this. No one deserves this treatment, a lot of us have been in your shoes so please do reach out for any advice or support you might need.

@Redebs

I think what struck me was OP complaining that the groom-to-be didn't ask her how she was. It suggests a different perspective.

She was 12-14 weeks pregnant in the middle of a painful break up and he is on her back about this and showing no concern about her - I think I'd be a bit upset too. They are supposed to be her friends.

The fact that they didn't want baby's father at the wedding when the two of them were still together implies that there has been a lot of drama already.

She has explained this: they are weirdly invested in her past relationship, blame her for breaking up with him, wanted them to get back together and didn't invite her BF so as not to upset the ex. She also said their relationship is amicable.

The groom-to-be seems like he is trying to give his friend, the long ago ex a chance to find out the situation at an appropriate time. Maybe he's a nice person who would be sad that someone he knew years ago is going through a hard time and the groom-to-be doesn't want him to be preoccupied at the wedding.

OP has said she will tell him in a few weeks when it's appropriate to her or they can tell him but he's not accepting that. The groom isn't showing concern that the ex should find out she is having a hard time but specifically that she is pregnant. A pregnancy he only knows about because of dress fittings.

The groom is not being very nice about this - sending upsetting texts and piling on the pressure. He isn't being helpful to his friend either. It sounds like he still thinks he is hung up on OP but it's been 7 YEARS! She moved on long ago. Pandering to him isn't helping anyone. I wonder just how upset/preoccupied he would actually be or is this all in their heads?

It has given me the impression they have a problem with me moving on, maybe even more than my ex. When I highlighted to the groom that it was a difficult time for me, he suggested I'd had enough time to process the situation and that I must have known it was possible the relationship wasn't going to work with my baby's father and I should be fine about sharing my happy news and that I should be more concerned about how my long-term ex would process it.

He's a dick then

I'm not sure why you're such good friends.