Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

OP's daughter should have encouraged the student who heard the N word to report, and then gone about her day. Sounds like she needs to learn to cool her jets.

This will be the tip of the iceberg though. Along with the words this boy says will be a whole pattern of behaviour. Telling the teacher “x said the n word” is pointless- x will deny it nothing will get done. Meanwhile X is making people’s lives a misery. He will graduate to threatening people as well.

Did she do it in the right way? Possibly not, although a public confrontation can be safer and at least she has witnesses. She needs to behave now- she can’t take back the past but she can learn from her actions and the consequences.

There was a guy like this near us who did a lot of damage and thought he was invincible. He started with similar words and then ended up threatening to kill people before he finally got punished. Multiple people did report him and he got slaps on the wrist each time. It might be that this guy will actually learn a lesson before he ends up causing a hige amount of damage.

A blanket statement like "adults who sexually abuse children are worse than adults who think it's fair enough for a child to thump a bully at school" tells you nothing about me. Other than that I possess a degree of common sense that you clearly don't.

Personal attacks now. Lovely. 🙄 Best you cease from communicating with me. It's not meaningful or useful in the slightest.

How is it unfair? Ops Dd wasn’t defending herself , she started it all on hearsay so rightly like the boy who hit your son , the girl and two boys face sanctions.
No head of year should be supportive of any violence in school .
What was the reason for boy hitting your son?

I think a few things have been missed. Did the boy deny being racist or did he refuse to answer?

For those saying that hitting the boy is like child abuse- the boy pushed the girl. He started the violence and she walked away. Seems like her friends were triggered by his violence towards her???? Because they hadn’t touched him until she got pushed.

Praise your 13-year-old. Tell her you are proud of her for acting against racism, and also regarding her wisdom in stepping away from a physical fight when provoked. But also explain she can learn a lesson about how school authorities may - possibly, in a way - nevertheless be right to punish her and how you back them up in doing so even though you think she did the right thing.

"Doing the right thing" can be a complicated matter all round. A day's 'internal exclusion' is a small price to pay to learn, seriously, some ways in which morality is not always simple and clear-cut, especially with regard to the society in which its demands play out. It sounds as though your daughter may be able to grasp enough of this to make the whole thing a positive in her life.

For icing on the cake; if your daughter can manage to bend a teacher's ear about this and explain her acceptance of your acceptance of her punishment, even while she still thinks she did the right thing all things considered, this will likely benefit the teacher as well as your daughter and her relationship with the school itself. Have a go!

Your daughter seems a fine child. I'd have been really pleased if any of my children had done what she did.

“Your daughter seems a fine child. I'd have been really pleased if any of my children had done what she did.”

And I would have no problem in my son pushing your daughter aside with her two friends beside her , if she came up shouting in his face accusing him of racism on hearsay. Then if my son was later beat up on account of that I would be getting police involved.

Your daughter seems a fine child. I'd have been really pleased if any of my children had done what she did.

I wouldn't be pleased if my child took matters into his / her own hands in this way, and as a result of this, caused another child to be assaulted and subsequently injured. That is very questionable parenting which later down the road, could have very serious consequences.

Oh dear, you seem to have misunderstood me. To clarify, people who condone violence against children are absolutely on a level with sex offenders, including (especially) ones who do it with some sort of mad "moral excuse" - that is a massive massive red flag. I have lived with the consequences of such a person every day since I was a very small child. I will point and say "I saw that" when people do it.