Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

Yes.

But he’s a boy so apparently he should have just tolerated until Gobby decided she was done with him

I can't believe the number of people saying its fine to punch someone because someone else said they said something with no evidence!
@AllOfThemWitches so someone at your work says they heard you say something racist. You're happy to be assaulted and would obviously welcome the punching to your face because 'if it's been said it's true'?
This mentality gives me the fear of the people that could be asked to do jury service+

but posters can miss out that the DD did all this on hearsay.

Well, I knew boys exactly as described by OP and they were nasty little shits, many went on to be nasty, violent men. I imagine this kid's parents are making all the excuses for him we've seen on here and that's why he is the way he is.

She "went to move away". She wasn't walking away. She hadn't walked away after his first push so how was he supposed to know she was going to walk away? He pushed her away and ran off. Can you not see that? He wanted to get away.

Once again, i have never been accused of racism, most people aren't.

Indeed. Give a dog a bad name and hang him as the saying goes.

but posters can miss out that the DD did all this on hearsay.

Well no, but it does appear that it's ok to assume the girl was screaming in his face because of her 'track record' but the DD can't assume that what she heard was true based on the boys track record.

Bizarre

No, of course she can't assume anything she didn't hear directly.

Well no, but it does appear that it's ok to assume the girl was screaming in his face because of her 'track record' but the DD can't assume that what she heard was true based on the boys track record.

The difference is no one is gathering as a group to confront her about a rumour they've heard about her being a gobby shite.

No, of course she can't assume anything she didn't hear directly.

So why are posters assuming she was screaming in his face? Were they there? Did they see/hear it directly?

OP has said that he may have said something racist and we only know via third hand information. I’m not sure I want to live in a world where that means someone is definitely guilty and a massive racist.

You yourself are the first to say 13yo shouldn’t be held to adult standards. Does that count for this it as well? Should he not be dealt with appropriately and - like you have with the OP - have the fact he’s 13yo taken into consideration ie he’s flawed, makes silly choices and deserves the benefit of the doubt? Like the OP’s DD?

The difference is no one is gathering as a group to confront her about a rumour they've heard about her being a gobby shite.

No, just slating her to high heaven on a forum.

But you're all happy to believe she is a 'gobby shite' based on OP's say so but when OP says the other kid has form for being a little shit, you've decided she's lying or something?

No she shouldn’t be going up to anyone behaving that way.

The difference is we KNOW she was definitely being gobby towards this lad. Any comment he allegedly said is hearsay. That’s not me saying racism is OK obviously but it’s not OK for it to be dealt with that way

Just like posters are doing to the boy.

Nobody has said the other kid wasn't a little shit, as far as I can tell? Just that the gobby little sod shouldn't have confronted him on hearsay, with a gang around her cheering her on.

Just like posters are doing to the boy.

I've seen a lot more vitriol aimed at the girl than the boy.

Possibly because so many posters are defending the girl's actions even to the extent that they are praising her for acting on hearsay and the final outcome of violence.

Excusing and advocating violence for a cause you believe in on the basis of hearsay evidence is ridiculous mob rule.

It's called confirmation bias. Those who think she's a terror will choose to believe she was aggressive and screaming in his face. Those who believe she was right (or not all the way wrong) will choose to believe the boy was racist.

These assumptions are based on OP saying the girl told him it was racist to use the N word and was probably heated; and the OP saying that the boy had used racist language before (establishing a pattern of behaviour).

Ultimately, all parties in this can be interpreted as victims AND perpetrators. The girl was the victim of the pushes but the perpetrator of the initial confrontation. The "alleged racist" was the victim of the beating but the perpetrator of the pushes (and alleged recent racism). The two other boys were the victim of alleged racial slurs and the perpetrators of the physical assault.

Just because one person sees it one way, and another has a different perspective doesn't make anyone thick, lack critical thinking skills etc as I've seen banded around here. All have at least semi reasonably defendable positions.

What's funny is that most people's initial posts on this are fairly reasonable and then it just descends into dramatics and leaps in interpretation, presumably due to the nature of feeling as though you have to defend your position at all costs.

Oh @sugarspices if this post of yours could only be liked or pinned!! Very astute!

But if someone DID and you denied it, and they persisted - what would you do?

The girl’s own mum said it was heated. What do you think that means if it doesn’t mean aggressive?

Not to mention this story is coming from a teen who is in trouble- they tend to downplay what happened that makes them look bad.

I'd continue to deny it. I'd be mortified, obviously. As I've said though, back in my day, kids weren't making allegations like that for no reason.