Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown.

Surely it’s these 2 that are the ones who’ve initiated the fight and would be in the most trouble.

The boy using the N word should also be in trouble and if DD used threatening language then she would also be in trouble.

I am not white and I think she was wrong.

She didn’t hear it wether he has said it before or not. If she had heard it, I would have more sympathy for the position she found herself in.

But she didn’t. So she didn’t need to intervene or confront him in the moment. She absolutely did it to cause a drama. She is in danger of going into white saviour territory and that’s not ok either.

This boy is known for being trouble. He is known for using horrible language towards and about people. I agree she could have made some much better decisions. I don't for a minute think he didn't say the word. He is far from an angel (as I am aware she is too)

If he was using racist language and pushing girls around, I don't feel too too bad for him

@Cocobutt she didn't use threatening language. She said it was racist and not right

She totally stirred the shit. She publicly confronted someone over second hand gossip. Of course she’s creating.

Seriously, she called out racist language and said it wasn't right. He pushed her, she went to go away and he pushed her again. If what the OP says is right she didn't charge in with violence. His behaviour, a boy being told by a girl that what he said wasn't right, started a violent response, towards a girl. I'm sorry but she has done the right thing. Yes she can speak to teachers and she should do that as well but if we want to change how language is used whether it is racist, homophobic or misogynistic then kids calling it out and showing up poor behaviour is how we do it. He had the opportunity to say he didn't say it or walk away, he didn't...he pushed a girl TWICE, once after she walked away saying she wasn't going to fight. He upped the violence not her. Calling out bad language is not violent, it's the only way to stop it being accepted.

She was completely wrong. You can't go round confronting people when you haven't even seen or heard them doing the thing you are confronting them about. She sounds ridiculous.

Your daughter thinks she is in charge. She isn’t. She was trying to act the big girl and was lucky she didn’t get a smack in the mouth. You’ve no idea if it’s even the right boy. You need to be 100% backing the school here. Regardless of what was said, your daughter is not in charge. Letting her continue to be a mouth is only going to lead her in to more trouble. You need to be firm with her about how to constructively deal with issues. Starting a row isn’t it. I’d be concerned she is getting a high off this and will start more rows

But her friends wouldn't have gotten involved and wouldn't have felt the need to throw punches if she hadn't launched herself in front of this other lad and confronted him over something she had no proof he'd done. She very publicly accused him of doing something wrong based on a rumour and in doing so effectively spread that rumour to everyone watching, some of them then decided to dish out punishments. She did incite it. If she'd gone to an adult then the punching wouldn't have happened.

I don’t see why she’s being punished. She called out racism, was assaulted (pushed) and then did not engage in the fight but walked away. Others fighting were not her responsibility, they made their own choices.

She didn't hear the boy saying the N word though, did she.

She sounds like a nasty individual who thrives on causing trouble.

With all due respect OP, your daughter is known for starting trouble too

I agree.
Yes, she confronted someone and may have been 'gobby' but then she was was pushed by soneone.
If anyone is to be excluded it should be the kids who threw punches and the one who did the pushing.

You keep on trying to convince us she is right, I really don't think with your attitude she will learn from this

She will beleive any punishment she gets is unfair and will probably go on to do similar again

Doesn't mean he deserves to be punched by two other pupils. It's the staff job to manage behaviour, not schoolyard vigilantes.

Your daughter instigated it. She didn't have to confront anyone, she chose to. As an adult, do you go around confronting people because someone's told you that they said something you didn't like, not even about you but about someone else? Good lesson for her to learn, direct confrontation causes trouble and rarely achieves anything

There two things that go "against" her here.

1.she never took the correct action of telling a teacher or encouraging the children involved to tell a teacher.

2.she didn't witness this and then reacted/called it out she was "told" by someone else, and there's always the possibility however small that it didn't even happen ,and then she sought out this boy to "tell him off".

This is why she is getting a consequence for her behaviour. Of course, the children that actually attacked the boy deserve an even more serious consequence and so does he if he is using the N word. She definitely shouldn't be the only one punished.

My daughter is far from a nasty individual. She may have made an error here but she isn't getting a high off it now. She is a 13 year old who was told that this lad who is known for this type of stuff had said things again and when she saw him she said something. She didn't touch him and then 2 of the boys he had been using the word about hit him. She didn't ask them to or want them to. There are several reasons why she would think that beating him or anyone up or using your hands on someone in the school playground or anywhere other than a boxing ring is unacceptable

She didn’t call out racism. Because she doesn’t know that it happened.

One hot head, gobby child that’s often in trouble and was (in her mums own words) probably heated when she confronted another child who is also known for causing trouble.

Plus there were surrounded by people and when he tried to leave he was chased and punched. He should have pushed her, but I can also understand having a gobby girl throwing heated accusations of racism at you while people gather round waiting for a fight is very intimidating.

They all behaved poorly. And I am going to guess your dd has a history of the being person who starts the trouble then sits back while it escalates.

She didn't confront racism.

She heard a rumour that someone was being racist and then went off on some half-cocked mission to "call him out on it".

All sorts of rumours fly around schools about various pupils (and staff) because that's part of what teens do, school can't allow the kids to go around starting fights and confronting each other over them.

She needs to learn to get her facts right before she acts and to follow proper channels.

Why bother asking then? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok, she made an error that had far reaching consequences and she's got a one day internal exclusion. Where's the issue?

I think she needs to learn that her behaviour here wasnt ok.

She didnt see or hear anything.
She didnt report appropriately.
She started a confrontation instead of a safe conversation.

What if he had injured her?

What if she carrys on like this as an adult?
Are you not worried about how she will behave unsupervised and the danger she could get into?

Noone is going to say "yeah but someone said he was racist".

OP, kindly, people are telling you that she hasn’t gone about things the right way but you keep coming back and going on about this boy - you seem determined to be ‘proud’ of her. But whether or not this boy is unpleasant or not still doesn’t give her the right to behave as she has done. If her vigilante behaviour has led to him being beaten up then she has a part to okay. She didn’t need to kick off, and from your description it sounds as though she was kicking off, and confront him in front of everyone based on second or third hand information - it’s that sort of thing that leads to mob mentality which is likely why they’re saying she has played a part.

You don’t seem to be listening to the multiple people who are saying she has gone about this the wrong way. You can commend her for wanting to stand up for what is right, but not the particular actions she took.