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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

738 replies

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:37

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

OP posts:
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 24/03/2023 13:54

namitynamechange · 24/03/2023 13:50

@hotdiggetydog its the internet I can say what I want so long as it isn't abusive/threatening. Not much "daring" about it.

Careful she will reach through your screen and punch you 😂

ReadersD1gest · 24/03/2023 13:55

This reply has been deleted

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Only. If. You. Are. Simple.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 24/03/2023 13:56

BadNomad · 24/03/2023 13:53

This reminds me of that recent story about the woman who was verbally confrontational towards the cyclist cycling on the footpath. She thought that the cyclist was wrong to be on the footpath and took it upon herself to tell her so. The cyclist ended up dead under the wheels of a car.

She believed she was in the right to address the cyclist's behaviour. It wasn't her fault the cyclist died.

The law disagreed, however. Gobby lady got sent to prison for manslaughter.

People defended her behaviour too. Said she wasn't responsible for what happened to the cyclist. She didn't intend for them to get hurt. Some even said it was the cyclist's fault, and they deserved what they got because they were wrong to be on the footpath etc.

Someone people just can't see beyond their hatred of cyclists.

Yes that’s a good comparison to draw. that was a particularly hard read watching people defend her pushing an elderly woman into the road. It’s the extreme end but Themis is what happens to self proclaimed social justice warriors.

Jonei · 24/03/2023 13:57

I'd continue to deny it. I'd be mortified, obviously. As I've said though, back in my day, kids weren't making allegations like that for no reason

And if someone didn't believe you and punched you for it? Would you feel ok with that?
Or would you prefer the situation to be dealt with in a more official non violent manner?

namitynamechange · 24/03/2023 13:58

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 24/03/2023 13:54

Careful she will reach through your screen and punch you 😂

Show quote history

Or get her kids to come round and beat me up.

But OP - I would ask your daughter the circumstances of the "pushed away". If she was close enough for him to do that without moving then actually she was to close. It would seem to him like she was right up in his face. Bit different if he had to step forward to push her puts him more in the wrong than her). But I guess she'll learn for next time how to better deal with these situations.

Jonei · 24/03/2023 13:58

BadNomad A good example of how the law works.

BadNomad · 24/03/2023 14:03

And that's why the school has suspended her. Her confrontation resulted in someone getting hurt. It doesn't matter that it wasn't her intention. Her actions are what caused it.

Conkersinautumn · 24/03/2023 15:31

She (over) acts on hearsay and doesn't believe in accountability, happy handling herself. Sounds like a perfect recruit for the met except she'll have to go racist to fit in there

Oblomov23 · 24/03/2023 16:17

@BadNomad
Please link.
Because I can't grasp how the 2 are at all comparable.

I still don't think OP's dd did anything wrong. At all.

Just because I speak to you. I'm then automatically culpable if a man then comes up and stabs you?

ReadersD1gest · 24/03/2023 16:26

Just because I speak to you. I'm then automatically culpable if a man then comes up and stabs you?
Are you serious? Hmm

Sallydimebar · 24/03/2023 22:27

“Because I can't grasp how the 2 are at all comparable.

I still don't think OP's dd did anything wrong. At all.

Just because I speak to you. I'm then automatically culpable if a man then comes up and stabs you?”

If you come up shouting at me with you black friend accusing me of calling him the N-word then friend comes and stabs me .. yeah I’m going to hold you near as much responsible.

Some schools have over 400 kids in them and school have a duty to protect each one of those kids , even the kids what some might call/think are trouble makers . You can’t be running your mouth away accusing others of racism without any evidence and even with evidence there’s a way to go about it and this wasn’t the way here which resulted in one boy getting beat up by two others . No child whatever their behaviour should be getting beat up in school .

How would OP feel if her Dd was set upon and injured by two pupils on the account of rumours.
I can’t comment on this boy’s behaviour at school as I don’t know him all I know is at the end of all this he was injured . Girl described by mum as being gobby and getting caught up in past conflict those two alone will usually get you mixed up in situations like this . You have to report and let school deal with them . We had a couple of boys in Ds year always at the centre of any trouble, they were gone by the end of yr7. It will eventually catch up with them.

ConcordeOoter · 25/03/2023 12:18

AllOfThemWitches · 24/03/2023 09:17

I wonder what some of you think should happen to scummy little racists. You think they give a shit about authority? Lol.

I know this much, people who are in favour of violence against children for any reason or none are absolutely some of the worst people that exist. At or close to level with sex offenders.

When you encounter someone like this hiding behind racism as an excuse doesn't make any difference.

ConcordeOoter · 25/03/2023 12:19

When you encounter someone like this, them hiding behind racism as an excuse doesn't make any difference

dawngreen · 25/03/2023 15:29

But ppl need to think before wading in to confront some one. He could have knifed her. You report through the right channels. And you don't confront a person because you were told they said stuff.

MerryMarigold · 27/03/2023 22:33

I told my Year 9 DD about this. Pretty much verbatim of OP and asked her opinion. She's quite wise but it's also similar age.

She was a bit shocked the OPs daughter confronted someone when she hadn't heard the comment herself and my DD said the OPs daughter was mostly after attention. When I told her the debate that's going on regarding the incident, she said the school dealt with it in the correct way and she agreed with detention.

The schoolkid hath spoken!

ReadersD1gest · 28/03/2023 12:27

MerryMarigold · 27/03/2023 22:33

I told my Year 9 DD about this. Pretty much verbatim of OP and asked her opinion. She's quite wise but it's also similar age.

She was a bit shocked the OPs daughter confronted someone when she hadn't heard the comment herself and my DD said the OPs daughter was mostly after attention. When I told her the debate that's going on regarding the incident, she said the school dealt with it in the correct way and she agreed with detention.

The schoolkid hath spoken!

She's spot on.

Puppers · 28/03/2023 14:06

ConcordeOoter · 25/03/2023 12:18

I know this much, people who are in favour of violence against children for any reason or none are absolutely some of the worst people that exist. At or close to level with sex offenders.

When you encounter someone like this hiding behind racism as an excuse doesn't make any difference.

Show quote history

This is one of the most disgusting, offensive things I've ever read on here. Comparing people to sex offenders. What is wrong with you?

I don't agree that this boy should have been assaulted and I think it's wrong of adults on here to say so. But to accuse people of being on a level with sex offenders - people who commit unspeakable, brutally violent acts often against children - because they think this boy deserved a thump from a classmate for being racist is just disgraceful.

Jonei · 28/03/2023 15:16

This is one of the most disgusting, offensive things I've ever read on here. Comparing people to sex offenders. What is wrong with you?

I think he / she was comparing those who condone physical violence towards children are as bad as sex offenders. Both groups of people are pretty disgusting, wouldn't you agree?

Puppers · 28/03/2023 18:13

Jonei · 28/03/2023 15:16

This is one of the most disgusting, offensive things I've ever read on here. Comparing people to sex offenders. What is wrong with you?

I think he / she was comparing those who condone physical violence towards children are as bad as sex offenders. Both groups of people are pretty disgusting, wouldn't you agree?

I understand what they are saying perfectly, which should be obvious from my comment. It's outrageous and disgusting to compare PPs to sex offenders. That doesn't mean I don't also think PPs are wrong for condoning the children hitting the boy, which I also said in my last comment.

Jonei · 28/03/2023 19:01

Is it outrageous and offensive to say adults who condone / encourage violence towards children are just as bad as sex offenders? Even if some of those people have posted here? Is there a hierarchy in the category of crime towards children here?

Puppers · 28/03/2023 22:14

This reply has been deleted

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JimmyDurham · 29/03/2023 00:19

She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist...

"She was told". So she was acting on hearsay and she "took it upon herself" to start it all off. Sorry, I'm with the school on this one. YABU.

MoreSleepPleasee · 29/03/2023 00:46

My son punched a boy in the face after being hit first and I asked the head of Year if he'd hit a man back if he'd been punched in the face. He said yes but don't repeat that and the other kid got suspended and mine don't get so much as a detention. As it was self defence. Yanbu op it is not fair.

MoreSleepPleasee · 29/03/2023 00:47

*didn't get

Aprilx · 29/03/2023 06:17

MoreSleepPleasee · 29/03/2023 00:46

My son punched a boy in the face after being hit first and I asked the head of Year if he'd hit a man back if he'd been punched in the face. He said yes but don't repeat that and the other kid got suspended and mine don't get so much as a detention. As it was self defence. Yanbu op it is not fair.

How is this relevant?

OP’s daughter instigated an incident, she wasn’t defending herself.