Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

No, I don't think confronting someone requires hard evidence when that person can just say 'didn't say it.'

Well if no-one gets up in my face shouting accusations at me I’m certainly not going to be pushing anyone out of my way. 🤷🏻‍♀️

and as per this case we have seen what happens when they are not believed,

What are you talking about? Which "him"?

The OP's daughter was the one being aggressive initially. Being gobby. Being heated. Being confrontational.

Are you one of those people who think only girls can be victims and never the perpetrator? I bet if he was the one to hunt her down at school to "confront" her heatedly, you wouldn't call him the victim when she tried to push him away.

Maybe you should direct this at the poster who implied op's kid was screaming in the boy's face...

Except it wasn't the girl doing the pushing. It was the boy. So do you think it's ok for boys to push girls or men to push women or not?

Well, we've seen what happens when boys push girls around in front of people... that's why he was attacked, according to OP.

He was initially attacked for allegedly being racist.
Whether physically or verbally he was attacked.

I don’t think a child should be getting thumped.

Why are people believing it’s either violence or nothing?

Incredible amount of people who think that punching racists is bad. Wow.

🤣🤣🤣

In self-defence, yes. It doesn't matter if someone is male or female. Girls don't get a pass to behave aggressively towards boys just because they are girls.

Same as when they are older. Women can be the aggressors in abusive relationships.

So somebody does something once and you assume they always do it for the rest of their lives?

So because he’s a boy he’s just supposed to stand there copping it from a gobby sod? He can’t stick up for himself or remove himself from the situation?

Yes I’m sure as a gobby sod with a poor track record she was 20 feet away speaking politely.

People on MN REALLY struggle to ever see girls in a light that’s anything other than upstanding and well behaved. It’s very odd.

Surely it’s ok for anyone to push anyone who is being aggressive and in their way? Surely anyone has the right to remove themselves from a potentially dangerous situation - and the OP’s example very much WAS dangerous situation seeing as it ended in violence

Punching anyone unless in self defence is bad.

Can I ask - what do you think punching people actually solves? Other than exasperating the situation (exampled perfectly in the OP)

Ive worked in the schools. You’d be amazed how many girls persistently bully boys. It’s very sad that people essentially think that’s absolutely fine and the victim should just cop it

So somebody does something once and you assume they always do it for the rest of their lives?

That obviously depends on what it is...

And again, nowhere does it say this girl was 'in' anyone's face or screaming or whatever else people have imagined. I highly doubt, from what OP has said, that this boy was intimidated by this girl.

The kid ran away. I'd say that indicate that he felt intimidated. He got himself out of the situation. He got away.

Then they went after him and attacked him.

I can't believe people wilfully ignoring everything OP has said about this boy and painting her child as a nasty bully and him a poor, innocent, intimidated little victim. 😆

Yes I’m sure as a gobby sod with a poor track record she was 20 feet away speaking politely.*

And yet, a 13 year old girl shouldn't have had a go at someone with a track record of making racist comments, because she didn't hear it this time.

So we'll hold the girl accountable on her 'track record' but not the boy, yeah?

He got another push in whilst the girl was walking away before he ran though, let's not miss parts out

I can believe it. I had (past tense) a friend who thought it was fine to slap her husband when he annoyed her. She used to laugh about it. She honestly thought there was nothing wrong with it because she was just a tiny woman and he probably barely felt it. It's disgusting.

Why would you assume that he wasn’t intimidated?

She (a gobby sod as described by someone who is closest to her) went up to him and gave him a lecture to the point is escalated to violence. That doesn’t sound like a polite conversation.

Do you think it’s ok for girls to do this to boys? What about the other way around? Can a gobby boy be praised for ah big a go at a girl who has rumours out about het.