Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

The girl’s own mum said it was heated. What do you think that means if it doesn’t mean aggressive?

I've had discussions I'd describe as 'heated,' doesn't mean there was any aggression involved.

Boy with a history of racism said to have used to a racist slur? It's entirely reasonable for a 13 year old to have believed on balance of probability the boy was being racist. AGAIN. Its not a court of law, and much like other settings, people take past behaviour as a guide when assessing the validity of new allegations. In the unlikely event that on this occasion this known racist was innocent, well that's unfortunate.
The violence inflicted on him was wrong, but the accusations made by the OPs DD were simply a case of him reaping what he'd sown.

If someone says something racist once and this is then used as an excuse to assume he does it again, to get a mob after him to assault him etc you are not exactly giving him any motivation to change.

And again, we live in a civilised society and mob mentality is never justified, no matter what the teen is rumoured to do. Even if he did do it, beating up children for mistakes is never ok. The amount of blood baying supposed adults who support this vigilante approach is concerning.

If someone says something racist once and this is then used as an excuse to assume he does it again, to get a mob after him to assault him etc you are not exactly giving him any motivation to change.

Once again though, it was his own violent behaviour towards OP's daughter that started the violence. The only consequence to his alleged racist comments was being confronted.

Saying 'once again' doesn't make your weird imaginary version of events true.

The reason you are having to repeat yourself is because you are talking bollocks.

Which part do you feel is 'imaginary' given that I'm going off OP's version of events? 😆

He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown.

Literally right there for all to see.

Pushing an aggressor away is not violence.
Such an embarrassing mob apologist.

Ah right, so it's ok to twice assault someone coz you don't like what they're saying. Noted!

That's literally what the girl and her friends did. Do you hear yourself?!

Your phrasing that the boys history of racism was 'used as an excuse' implies the OPs DD was deliberately seeking an opportunity to cause trouble for him, rather than responding to the abhorrent behaviour she believed him to have once again demonstrated.
Your reference to mobs and vigilante behaviour is hyperbolic. A crowd gathered to witness a confrontation as has been the case in school yard disputes since school began. Two boys (a 'mob' of two?) inflicted violence. Very few people (one i think?) have defended the violence, which is categorically wrong.

People are, however, defending the girl, who by challenging racism appears to have been scapegoated for verbal abuse and violence carried out by males to her and each other.
Personally I find the number of adults on the thread who can't see that, and persist in centering the blame on the girl concerning.

Except the girl didn't touch anyone... every single thing you've posted has come off as 'heated' fyi. You're literally addressing strangers on mumsnet, you know that right?

Bloody hell @AllOfThemWitches 🤦‍♀️

You're like the Duracell bunny, you never bloody stop. Making sense as you chunter on doesn't seem to be a priority for you.

IMO the OP's DD has been played by her "friends.
They heard this alleged racism yet chose to wind up the OP's DD and knew that she would go after the boy.
They knew that the boy would react.
And knew that this would give them a chance to beat him up.

Do I think that the OP's DD should be sanctioned? Yes
Do I think that the boy should be sanctioned? not without an investigation
Do I think that the DD's friends should be sanctioned? Yes.

So she'd heard something. Had no idea if it was true or even old news. But she "knows" what this child is like. She has an assumption about him. She goes up to this boy with friends emotionally invested in the situation. She confronts, she knows how to handle herself. The other person tries to leave, pushes her away - she persists in her hot-headed confrontation, with her friends around her. He, perhaps equally hot headed or prepared to stand up for himself again pushes her away and her two friends (oh me oh my, I didn't do anything) get physical. They swoop.in despite the fact she can 'handle' herself. If you can't see where her actions were culpable is it any wonder she has zero sense of responsibility.

Also she absolutely cannot handle herself. She will get one serious putting down if she carries on I this hot headed way. Do you WANT her to get a broken nose before she learns? Because unfortunately gobshites attract that sort of aggression.

Imagine coming on to a thread and calling a child a gobshite.

Also -

The other person tries to leave, pushes her away - she persists in her hot-headed confrontation

him trying to leave isn't mentioned in the op. She also didn't persist in her 'hot- head confrontation' , she said she wasn't going to fight, and got pushed again as she went to leave.

You're like the Duracell bunny, you never bloody stop. Making sense as you chunter on doesn't seem to be a priority for you.

Everything I've said is easy enough to comprehend for most people, I'm not sure where you're struggling. You disagree and have resorted to insults, difficult to see what you're trying to achieve but do crack on. :)

Imagine coming on to a thread and calling a child a gobshite
Imagine starting a thread calling your daughter a gobby little sod.

There's a difference between a mother, who knows her child, and won't have been saying it with any malice, saying someone about their child and a random, (I'm assuming) adult calling a child they do not know a gobshite.

I might tell my DP that our child is a sassy cow when she's out of earshot, if some unknown on the street said it I'd be less than pleased.

Imagine coming on to a thread and calling a child that you don't know a racist based on nothing but hearsay.

Really? Because if someone was accusing me of something they’d heard third hand I wouldn’t be mortified I’d be furious and they’d be getting a short shrift.

Im pleased I’m not so weak that I’d just sit there repeating myself until my accuser decided they were going to leave me alone.

And back in my day, people didn’t decide to be self proclaimed social justice warriors and go charging in based on hearsay.

Although I’d love to know what ‘day’ existed that KP one was EVER accused of doing something they didn’t do

It’s hearsay …she didn’t hear it herself.

If she herself had heard it then there were many better ways to challenge it.

Did those conversations get so heated someone ended up being assaulted?