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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

738 replies

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:37

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

OP posts:
Lamelie · 22/03/2023 20:40

She’s not wrong and if it is as you describe I’d be all over it.

slipperypenguin · 22/03/2023 20:40

Could she not have approached a teacher to tell them rather than trying to take it into her own hands? Also just because someone told her he said this doesn't mean it's necessarily true - plenty kids make up stuff about others in schools.

I think if your daughter was there and heard it first hand then yes, it would be admirable that she spoke up and said something and didn't watch it happen. But it sounds like she's just a bit of a busy body who likes to rush around and pull people up in the name of "being gobby".

Oysterbabe · 22/03/2023 20:41

I think that yabu. She was involved in the whole thing. The school can't encourage vigilante justice, she should have spoken to a teacher about him.

GoldZip · 22/03/2023 20:41

I'd expect all parties to have some sort of sanction and there to be an investigation into the allegation of racism, but she should have reported rather than creating the situation she did, so yes, a one day internal exclusion seems reasonable

Azandme · 22/03/2023 20:41

Yes racist behaviour needs calling out, but there are ways to deal with it, and the way she chose wasn't a good one.

She should have immediately raised it with a member of staff, instead of charging in - because that DID incite the incident.

I'm all for people standing up for what is right, but they need to do it in a way that isn't wrong.

Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:42

This is how she has told me and I have said that there may be cameras so she needs to tell me exactly what happened as I can only help if she tells me the truth. She had already told me about it before I got the voicemail from the head teacher about the exclusion so I don't think she is lying

OP posts:
Scienceadvisory · 22/03/2023 20:42

Except she doesn't even know for sure this boy said anything racist. She just heard it from someone else and then went running round causing trouble. If she actually cared she would have reported to a teacher. But she just sounds like a hot-head who enjoys drama. I wonder if the person who told her about the alleged comments did so because they know its easy to wind your daughter up.

Lamelie · 22/03/2023 20:43

Very similar incident happened to one of my dcs. He’d put up a poster arranging a meeting about an extremely problematic x event arranged by the school and was told I would be called. He said ‘she’s waiting for you call as she has serious concerns about x at school’
They never called 🥹

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2023 20:44

Did he say it though? If so this should absolutely have been dealt with through official channels with significant repercussions. Charging in like she did with violence is ridiculous and dangerous and places her at risk of a violent response.

whatevrrrr · 22/03/2023 20:44

I think she could quite rightly have told him that what he was saying was racist, and that she found it offensive (because there's no reason why anyone should have to tolerate someone else being racist - but, practically, also because it would have been best to have done this in other people's hearing, so it wasn't just her word against his). But she could have done that in a way that wasn't "gobby" and wouldn't have escalated things, and then approached a teacher.

Eranzer · 22/03/2023 20:45

Meh, well played to your kid.

Zuyi · 22/03/2023 20:45

I agree with PP. If she heard the word firsthand, it would be good to speak up then and there, but to react to gossip is something else entirely. Who knows if the gossip was true or part of a whole bullying thing against that boy who got beaten up.

WandaWonder · 22/03/2023 20:46

So she did not hear this herself but 'a friend of a friend' type thing?

She could have gone and spoke to a teacher about it

The attitude 'I am right and I have taken it in myself to call others wrong' in this way is not the way to do it

JustalittlelostXX · 22/03/2023 20:46

She is not wrong in the slightest and you should 100% back her on this ! She stood up for someone being totally bullied ! As someone who doesn’t like to see injustice done myself, I can relate with her and the struggles or picking your fights wisely! Took me many years to learn ( I’m sure she will too ) however this is a fight she was wise to pick. There should be more people like her in the world and it wouldn’t be such a cruel place ! Also the boy laid his hands on her first ( which is assault ) she is then not responsible for how her friends behaved and can not be accused or starting this incident. We are only responsible for our own behaviour, which she has nothing to be punished for. I would argue massively with the school, for an apology and a very well done to her ! You should be so proud.

whatevrrrr · 22/03/2023 20:46

Sorry - I've just re-read, and she didn't hear it herself. In that case, she shouldn't have involved herself. Whoever did witness it should have gone to a teacher, not to your DD. The witness also sounds like a shit-stirrer.

Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:46

This isn't the first time he has used the word, I agree she should have maybe spoken to a teacher and was a bit hot headed but she is 13 and doesn't always think, like any 13 year old!

OP posts:
Bootlass · 22/03/2023 20:47

Definitely 100% not wrong to call people out on racist behaviour. However, as to whether she instigated a serious incident is all down to how aggressive/angry she might have been and what words she was using herself when defending her friends. Two wrongs don't make a right. I'm not blaming her, but we weren't there and we don't know what was said and how.
However, I hope the racist was also excluded for both his language and for initiating physically aggressive behaviour towards your daughter. I'd be asking the head this and see if his parents have been talked to and what is the school is going to do to prevent any kind of racism.
Whatever the case, your DC sounds like a good friend to have, you should be proud of her.

Iam4eels · 22/03/2023 20:48

She didn't hear the boy using the n-word herself, she went charged off to confront him based on nothing more than rumours and - by your own admission - she probably was "heated" about it. Her kicking off with this boy led to him being physically assaulted by two other pupils.

Sorry to say it but she did create the situation, she got other pupils riled up over a rumoured infraction and it led to an incident where another pupil was hurt.

She should have gone to an adult with what she'd heard and let them investigate it and take appropriate action. She needs to learn that there are proper channels for dealing with issues and that she can't just charge in with half the facts and run her mouth off like she's judge and jury.

Ihategoingtothehairdressers · 22/03/2023 20:49

She has to take responsibility for her choices and it's inarguable that if she hadn't done as she did, the injuries to the boy would never have happened.

She's clearly not the only one, or most, responsible, but taking these things into your own hands doesn't work. She should have reported comments if they were racist.

It's also worse that she started this based on hearsay, not categorically witnessing something unacceptable.

She did instigate the conflict and it's worth recognising that even a single punch thrown by another pupil could actually be so serious as to be fatal to the victim.

Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:50

@MichelleScarn she absolutely wasn't biology. Didn't lay a finger on him. She is a boxer, she could have hurt him if she did but she didn't touch him. He pushed her and people crowded round like there was going to be a fight and she said 'I'm not fighting you'

OP posts:
Soapboxqueen · 22/03/2023 20:50

Your dd challenging someone using the N word in front of her would be one thing but this was at the very least second hand knowledge. She didn't know at that point how true it was or if someone else was just stirring.

She then decided to confront this person in a less than calm and controlled manner.

She should have raised this with a member of staff.

She did start that altercation.

Hankunamatata · 22/03/2023 20:50

Azandme · 22/03/2023 20:41

Yes racist behaviour needs calling out, but there are ways to deal with it, and the way she chose wasn't a good one.

She should have immediately raised it with a member of staff, instead of charging in - because that DID incite the incident.

I'm all for people standing up for what is right, but they need to do it in a way that isn't wrong.

This

Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:50

*violent not biology

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 22/03/2023 20:51

Does she have ASD?

My son can be like this, getting passionately angry on someone else's behalf over real or perceived injustice of some sort.
He works in a bar and has argued with customers who might have been abusive or rude to other members of staff and he gets involved, as an example. He genuinely doesn't get why management have told him off for escalating the situation when it's happened.

Namechange8759 · 22/03/2023 20:51

Scienceadvisory · 22/03/2023 20:42

Except she doesn't even know for sure this boy said anything racist. She just heard it from someone else and then went running round causing trouble. If she actually cared she would have reported to a teacher. But she just sounds like a hot-head who enjoys drama. I wonder if the person who told her about the alleged comments did so because they know its easy to wind your daughter up.

I was about to say exactly this. Thanks for saving me some typing!

She was 💩-stirring.