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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

738 replies

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 20:37

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

OP posts:
Elvis1956 · 22/03/2023 21:03

First I am surprised at how many people have missed that THE DD DIDN'T HEAR HIM SAY ANYTHING.

Secondly and more importantly, why did she dive straight in an accuse him. The fact she boxes is irrelevant, he's male, bigger stronger and I would have thought that she would have learnt control in the gym. Personally I'd stop her boxing as it's clear it's making her feel invincible (and your attitude seems to back that up)

third why are you defending her. It is blatant she caused the whole issue.

Eyerollcentral · 22/03/2023 21:03

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 21:00

My daughter is far from a nasty individual. She may have made an error here but she isn't getting a high off it now. She is a 13 year old who was told that this lad who is known for this type of stuff had said things again and when she saw him she said something. She didn't touch him and then 2 of the boys he had been using the word about hit him. She didn't ask them to or want them to. There are several reasons why she would think that beating him or anyone up or using your hands on someone in the school playground or anywhere other than a boxing ring is unacceptable

Your daughter was totally in the wrong OP. She isn’t in charge. She should have went to a teacher, told you, told anyone. She didn’t, she weighed in to start a row and act the big girl. The school have to have order. Every pupil can’t go around being an avenging angel, surely you can see that. It’s great your daughter is anti racism but she has handled it wrongly. She needs to learn a lesson from this but you seem determined to back her to the max.

Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 21:04

Just so we are clear there are things I am not mentioning that are outing to the child involved and my child. I don't think that calling out this behaviour was a good idea for her safety as much as anything but no I haven't said to her that it's fine so she will learn nothing from this. She will learn from this and already has. She gave her statement to the head of year who according to my DD said that she thought she hadn't really done anything to be punished for. I am aware that from an outsiders perspective this is an innocent angel who has been targeted by a little shit who has got her friends to beat him up. That is far far from the case!

OP posts:
Iam4eels · 22/03/2023 21:04

And if he had to push her twice to get away from her, after her ignoring him saying "leave me alone", then it does not sound like it was a gentle conversation. It sounds like she was in his personal space and being verbally aggressive. A push in those circumstances is not an uncommon reaction and my own DC have been told that if someone is aggressively in their personal space then they are allowed to push that person back in order to make room for a get away.

Rogue1001MNer · 22/03/2023 21:04

@wasshereallywrong you seem deaf to what the majority of posters are saying to you. Instead you're just drip feeding further information that makes it sound like you believe the boy said the words without actually knowing the facts.

I find this troubling. And it makes your thread seem more like a stealth boast of "ooo, isn't my feisty DD fab", which I'm sure you think she is.
But your ignoring the balance you're being given - and which I totally agree with - that your DD was out of order by not reporting it to staff, acting like a vigilante without proof, and does indeed deserve the consequence given by the school

Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 21:04

@Tomkirkman absolutely not. She isn't known for that at all

OP posts:
MuffinToSeeHere · 22/03/2023 21:05

FattyFattyToadboy · 22/03/2023 21:01

Why bother asking then? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Indeed. You're obviously convinced she's in the right and the more you try and paint this boy as some sort of racist monster and your daughter as a moral crusader shows exactly why she thinks she can instigate and get away with such behaviour.

At the end of the day she didn't call out racism because she has no idea if he actually said anything. Just because he has in the past doesn't mean he did today. Today all she did was cause a problem and quite rightly she is being held accountable for her part in the events that followed.

EachTownLooksTheSameToMe · 22/03/2023 21:07

OP were you actually hoping we’d all say how wonderful she sounds? You’ve made your mind up that she did the right thing and are determined to defend her actions - which to be honest, is all the more concerning.

Smartiepants79 · 22/03/2023 21:07

‘She was told’ ?!! Did she actually hear or witness this?? Because if not then she’s gone looking for a fight.
If the child is spouting racist crap then there should be specific consequences.
BUT I’m not quite sure that your daughters involvement was appropriate or helpful.
All that’s now happened is that the little toad is now a victim. He and his parents can now ignore his behaviour and stamp their feet and shout ‘but he’s been traumatised’!!
Not sure she’s done anyone any favours.

Floralnomad · 22/03/2023 21:07

She should have spoken to a member of staff and if they didn’t follow it up then you should have called or emailed someone regarding the language . The way she has handled it she has started a fight and hence her exclusion .

nokidshere · 22/03/2023 21:07

Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown further down the thread you say two boys that he was calling the name?

AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

They aren't punishing her for 'calling out' they are punishing her because she got involved in gossip which resulted in another child getting hurt. And it's not her place to 'talk to him about it', she should have reported him and let the staff deal with him.

Sounds like a bit of showing off was going on

Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 21:08

I have said over and over that I agree she didn't handle it like I would have and many adults would have. She is 13 and made a mistake but she didn't lay a finger on him, she didn't hurt anyone. She is being punished for it. That's fine. She will take the punishment. She doesn't think she is special because she boxes. It has given her lots of control, it has helped her mental health. I am not excusing her. She has so many reasons for the way she behaves but they are not going to be shared here. She is passionate about her friends, loyal to a fault and this has clearly bitten her on the arse on this occasion

OP posts:
Original poster
wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 21:09

@nokidshere weirdly she can have male friends. The 2 lads that punched him were her friends who he had been using the n word about

OP posts:
pictoosh · 22/03/2023 21:09

A one day exclusion seems fair enough to me. I don’t know why you’re moaning about it…unless you think your daughter is above the same rules the other kids have to follow.
Calling out racism sounds very noble and it might have been had it not involved a heated public confrontation based on second hand gossip. She wanted an audience and got one. She can suck up her exclusion and so can you.

GoingOnce · 22/03/2023 21:09

I’m afraid she is totally in the wrong. She was being a vigilante. If she really cared that much about someone else’s language (and not just for the drama of it) she should have told a teacher and let them investigate. She was in the thick of it and the teacher who reprimanded her knows this.

Broadbeachshallow · 22/03/2023 21:10

OP, your daughter initiated a humiliating, public confrontation. She set out to do it. She had to think about it and find the boy.

Stop defending her. Back up the school. She needs to learn not to go out spoiling for a confrontation. It's dangerous behaviour and may one day get her in much worse trouble than a one day exclusion.

EachTownLooksTheSameToMe · 22/03/2023 21:10

No but you have said you are proud of her actions. And that’s quite troubling.

And just because she didn’t physicallly lay a finger on him doesn’t mean she wasn’t partly to blame for him being hurt - she was a big part of the reason why he got hurt, she instigated the situation by reacting to gossip. That’s not okay.

Welshrainbow · 22/03/2023 21:10

She was in the wrong.
If she heard him using racist language and called him out on it in the moment that is one thing and to be applauded, however seeking out this child on the say so of someone else was the wrong way to deal with it. She should have involved her teachers and not tried to deal with it herself. Instead she has instigated a major incident and as there is no evidence this child has even used this word. He has then ended up hurt as you said so basically assaulted by her two friends.
lets face it teenagers love to stir so he may actually have never even used that word at all.

Eyerollcentral · 22/03/2023 21:10

Iam4eels · 22/03/2023 21:04

And if he had to push her twice to get away from her, after her ignoring him saying "leave me alone", then it does not sound like it was a gentle conversation. It sounds like she was in his personal space and being verbally aggressive. A push in those circumstances is not an uncommon reaction and my own DC have been told that if someone is aggressively in their personal space then they are allowed to push that person back in order to make room for a get away.

This is a very prescient comment. Your daughter was right in the middle of it, egging it on. Was she trying to impress her friends? Has she been in school fights before? I also think it’s unlikely that the year head said she didn’t see anything she should be punished for. Maybe she said calling out racism isn’t something you should be punished for. You are taking your daughter’s version of events as the truth and tbf as she is 13 and in trouble already it’s highly likely you don’t know the full story

CharlieBoo · 22/03/2023 21:10

Your daughter heard a rumour and acted on it and now the lads been beaten up because of her actions but you think it’s ok because racist behaviour needs to be called out??

DialsMavis · 22/03/2023 21:10

I would be proud of her for standing up to her friend and would want the boy punished for pushing her and would be telling the school that.

But I would also explain to DD that she didn't go about things in the right way and that she probably inflamed the situation and help her find ways to act differently next time.

I think it is much better overall to be brave and try and do the right thing and balls it up sometimes until you get the hang of it thanbe the type of person to stand by and do nothing.

I can see my DD doing this, she is incredibly righteous and I can see why she might too be seen as a shit stirrer (she also "just loves the drama Mick" 😂) & find it interesting about PPs autism comment as it is something we are trying to get DD assessed for.

BaroldFromEastenders · 22/03/2023 21:11

I am aware that from an outsiders perspective this is an innocent angel who has been targeted by a little shit who has got her friends to beat him up. That is far far from the case!

there’s nothing quite like making shit up when a thread isn’t going your way is there? I highly doubt anyone approves of this boy or his actions but your DD did nothing good here, she did instigate it and she deserves her exclusion

LordEmsworth · 22/03/2023 21:11

I am aware that from an outsiders perspective this is an innocent angel who has been targeted by a little shit who has got her friends to beat him up.

Literally no-one has said anything like this. Everyone has said, your daughter should have made better choices about how to react to hearing rumours, and there were better ways to address the issue. You are the one twisting it

Puppers · 22/03/2023 21:11

I would challenge the school on this and I'd escalate it (via appropriate channels) if needs be.

She didn't initiate the incident. She was not the person who first laid hands on someone - that was the boy who pushed her. She then walked away. What happened after that was not of her doing. Violent actions are the fault of the person committing them.

Everybody needs punishing for what they actually did.

First boy needs punishing for repeatedly using racial slurs (if there is actually evidence that this happened) and for pushing your daughter.

Your daughter needs punishing for running her mouth and making very serious accusations without actually having any evidence of wrongdoing. Also for not going via appropriate channels to report it.

The two boys need punishing for their violence that resulted in someone being hurt.

I would not accept my daughter being punished for anything more than what she actually did and I'd want assurances that the boy who physically assaulted her was being dealt with.

MuffinToSeeHere · 22/03/2023 21:11

wasshereallywrong · 22/03/2023 21:09

@nokidshere weirdly she can have male friends. The 2 lads that punched him were her friends who he had been using the n word about

Live how you've now categorically decided he used this language. The fact you dislike this child who is also 13 and believe every word that comes out of your own child's mouth oozes out of your posts.