Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

Op.boxing clearly hasn't given your daughter control. Temper control is the first thing you are taught in gym. I really wouldn't let her continue. She has no control...I will put money on it that she ends up hurting someone perhaps seriously before she leaves school.

look you may not agree with the school but use this as an opportunity to teach your dd that she can just jump into things even if it just with her mouth

She heard racist comments

She didn't.

She heard gossip that there had been racist comments and then basically instigated mob justice by calling this boy out for it in from of a crowd, two members of that crowd then took matters into their own hands and physically assaulted him.

She created the mob and she did it based on a rumour she heard.

So the gobby little sod with a poor school record caused a fight based on a rumour of racism, not something she heard with her own ears.

2 black kids are now in trouble for physical violence, which she is accused of inciting with her righteous drama-loving public confrontation.

And you're asking if you're unreasonable to feel proud of her?

Wow.

Pushing someone away from your personal space is classed as violence is it? He acted very well in the circumstances….

How does she have no control when she refused to fight a boy who hit her twice? She didn’t even defend herself

The thing is, if she only heard he’d used the word, rather than hearing with her own ears, she should have reported him rather than taking it upon herself. Because she DID actually cause bother, whereas with him it’s only speculation.

Sorry but one day your DD will be ‘gobby’ with the wrong person. I don’t like injustice but I don’t go around screaming at people

Except for the exclusion of OP's daughter, her 2 friends, and the boy who allegedly used a racial slur.

I agree I'd stop her boxing. She clearly has no control of her temper whatsoever.

Oh yeah, vigilante justice is great isn't it op.
I'll assume you'll still think it's great if your daughter ends up saying or being the victim of gossip saying she said something wrong.
So if she misgenders someone whose pronouns change every five minutes and she gets beaten up, that's ok then, because they'd be 'on the right side of history'.
And you should teach your daughter it's a bad idea to physically get in men's personal space and get aggressive. She's female. It won't end well. Eventually she'll find one that punches back.

This is literally why teachers are in school. Part of their role isn't it. But I do wonder why your daughter who 'has a behaviour issue didn't go to a member of staff. Possibly because they already know she reacts to gossip and becomes confrontational.

Racism should be called out in the popular channels. What your daughter has done is given a white? Child a cast iron excuse for vengeance'. It puts the two boys who confronted him in danger and any other black people he comes up against as he now has learned he'll be attacked possibly for no reason (as you don't know he said it)

And no, I don't care how horrible a child is. I'd never want to see them beaten up or injured.

No, the whole situation was created by the OP’s daughter confronting him over something she’d heard. By the OP’s own admission she was probably gobby about it, he told her to leave him alone, she carried on, he pushed her and was then beaten up by two others by the sounds of it.

He’s wrong in this situation too, and should be punished for pushing her but she absolutely started the whole thing.

Are you joking? He pushed her twice and she didn’t react in any physical way. He did not ‘act well’.

Newman I agree with you.

Yes perhaps her heart is in the right place but it sounds more like she perhaps is looking for issues being gobby.

I hope you can work out why she's seeing herself in this role and help her calm down. Let her know the proper chanels of complaint

Absolutely this!

He got beaten because he pushed a girl twice. Not because she confronted him. She refused to fight him. His own violence led to him getting what he gave.

I wonder why.

But you haven't read the op she DIDN'T hear anything. It was hearsay.

He did push her...but could he have been intimidated...why did he have to push her away twice.

she's got a reputation for being gobby and difficult...

It was the boy, who was violent to your dd. I think in your position I’d contact the school and ask for their interpretation of events. I think it’s important to stand by the internal exclusion because your dd needs to learn she cannot act like a vigilante. This will only escalate otherwise in years 9/10/11 when boys get massive testosterone surges. Your dd doesn’t want to be part of a rival gang situation at school. Brava to her for calling out racism. But she needed to do it in the correct way.

I personally don’t think OPs daughter has given her the whole truth. The subsequent drip feeding from the soap about what an ‘awful’ lad he is also feels suspicious. The OPs description of her own daughter and the schools punishment seem to suggest that the daughters behaviour wasn’t her calmly telling the lad he couldn’t use that word.

It sounds like all of them in this incident have behaved badly and a days exclusion for OPs daughter a thing and judge and jury sounds appropriate. We don’t know the punishment for the other three involved and they could have been very serious and appropriate.

I am not hearing that she stood up to the TWO boys who physically attacked ONE boy, though.

So all her 'sense of justice' is total, utter bollocks.

And why did he push her?

The only time in my life I’ve punched someone was when they called my black friend a w*g (I hate even typing that) And to go back to his own country

I have no regrets. It was a stranger on a bus.

violence is never the answer but sometimes rage is.

So well done to your daughter. She is not a gobby sod, she understands that we only beat this kind of prejudice but challenging directly. she did absolutely nothing wrong and more people need to have her courage

I really don't see that your daughter should be punished.

She confronted a boy about racism, he then physically assaulted her. Two other people then assaulted the boy. Your daughter did not participate in any violence.

Okay, perhaps she is gobby like you say, perhaps she said something out of line. I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea that we can blame the physical violence of others on a girl because she may or may not have spoken poorly or out of line. Especially when she was the victim of one of that violence.

You surely cannot blame someone for initiating violence when they did not do anything other than speak.

She was in the wrong. It was hearsay and nothing to do with her. She seemingly approached this boy in a confrontational manner, out of the blue and got the kids around them riled up enough to be expecting a fight.
She needs to be held responsible.

The cunt deserved a whack

Oh dear.