To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

As long as he's paying at least what the calculator says. But in my opinion she shouldn't have had another child if she couldn't afford it, and if what she was getting before she had that child was enough then it's on her. Your DH is not there to pay for her lifestyle while she keeps having more children that she can't afford.

YANBU. If he can't afford to increase her maintenance, that's on him.

He and his DC are already benefitting from your salary in your family unit so no chance you should be funding extra cash in hers. She’s got a partner too and an additional baby is their responsibility not yours.

Does the maintenance cover half the child care bill?

He pays the CMS-recommended amount (plus the same on top towards their joint debts, but that’s irrelevant).

I don’t think she’s had much, if any, increase in benefits since having the baby as it’s her fourth at home. I do understand why she and her partner wanted a baby together though.

I guess I’m more than happy to pay extra for the children when they’re in my home or school, but don’t see why I should pay for them in their mum’s house too.

Irrelevant.

Well her having another baby has nothing to do with your DHs maintenance levels. If he could afford to pay more then fine but if you're paying 75% of everything I presume he can't. I'd wait and see if she asks directly for more

He's paying what the calculator recommends and paying for additional items too such as uniforms, trips, activities, etc. She can ask but the answer doesn't have to be yes.

Wow she has some front imo!
Imagine for a minute you and dh split up. She would be screwed then. Like she is screwing you now op!!

He should pay fairly for his children. If costs are going up but maintenance hasn’t, well, it has to come from somewhere.

But a bigger issue is that he’s not able to pay for his children when they are living with him, and that you are needing to fund the extras. Debt or not, he shouldn’t be expecting the two women in his life to bail him out when costs of having children increase.

If she asks for more money I'd instead offer to have the children more to help out.

That would save her money and give her some time with just her new baby to get a routine going.

The youngest has 30hrs funded, and they rarely use after-school club or any other childcare, so I assume so. His ex moved away to be closer to her family, including retired parents, and they frequently provide childcare.

The CMS level is the minimum that should be paid and this takes into account the number of nights spent with the nrp. Even paying for half the uniforms and trips won't be that much extra.
The resident parents income has nothing to do with how much maintenance is paid

Is she paying any debts from the marriage ? if he's the only one paying off debts then he is paying more than CMS as he's paying her half of the debt iyswim.

He pays the CMS-recommended amount

So the absolute minimum he can get away with? Cost of living has been increasingly steadily, when did he last increase his maintenance? Not recently, I bet.

Do you have joint children?

If he wasn't with you what could he actually afford?

It sounds like you're paying for his kids.

I'd say he can pay what he likes to his ex. But he also needs to pay for them when they are with you. You shouldn't be paying for their clothes and hobbies etc. And pay 50/50 for the household costs

We have offered to have the children more -campaigned for it actually! - but it’s always been a no. She’s always been the primary parent and was a SAHM when she and OH split.

No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it. It should be cleared in a few years at which point he’ll a more equal amount to our household’s costs.

No, we don’t have our own children yet. We want to and are trying now, but had other things to sort first (buying and renovating our house, both have recently secured new jobs).

But it doesn't matter what kind of lifestyle bio mum has, it is a fact that it now costs more to house, feed and clothe their DC when they are in her home, which is the majority of the time if you only have them every other weekend and half school holidays. This is not a 50/50 split is it? So she's paying more for everyday expenses than dad is. So, if all their bills go up (guaranteed for absolutely everyone) it's fairer that OH' ex and her partner bear the extra cos rather than it coming from your household? It doesnt matter how many holidays they go on, your OH's Ex's partner is still having to pay out more for you OH's DC to live in their home. But you want OH to pay bare minimum he get away with by law?

Either party could go to court and let all income and expenditure be examined and investigated and a fair amount will be awarded, but this will probably amount to thousands of pounds in legal fees and then everyone will be worse off.

Paying a little extra than absolute bare minimum than what some soulless calculator deems appropriate to reflect that everyone's bills have gone up may be the better, fairer and kinder option.

Impossible to say without knowing how much he’s paying in £. The answer to the question really depends whether he’s currently paying £100 or £1000.

He can't afford to contribute fairly to the three children he already has and you're planning on having another one with him?

Either party could go to court and let all income and expenditure be examined and investigated and a fair amount will be awarded, but this will probably amount to thousands of pounds in legal fees and then everyone will be worse off.

You’re making stuff up, don’t be ridiculous.

She can’t afford the kids she’s got, barely works and decided to have a 4th child - and this is now OP’s responsibility to fund?

Are the CMS actually taking your income into account here , are you married?
I mean it's lovely you are paying this but it's not your responsibility.

So he is in effect paying her half of the shared debt they accumulated together.

She's gone on to have another child knowing the col has increased.

No.

He can get a second job to help pay more if he wanted to but I wouldn't be covering it with my salary, or she can unclench and agree that you have the children more often.

I've read it as him paying more than bare minimum?

He's paying the CMS calculator, plus half for trips and uniform, and on top of that he's paying off joint debt that she can't afford to.