To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

@AnneLovesGilbert what am I making up? If its done through the courts, everyone's income will be taken into account, including new partners/spouses are cohabiting and sharing expenses.

And please refrain from calling me ridiculous. Its not called for whatsoever. Grow up and discuss topics in am adult, reasonable fashion or don't comment at all

YANBU, and I don't actually think it's relevant whether he's paying "enough". If paying more means he doesn't have enough to pay his bills then he can't afford to do it.

We’re not married, and CMS is based on his wage only. He pays his ex £400 a month and about £400 to their shared debts. It’s about 1/3 of his post-tax income.

If we weren’t together I don’t know what he’d do - he could probably only afford to rent a one-bedroom place and wouldn’t be able to afford holidays or hobbies for the children. If we were strictly 50/50 we’d probably be renting a two-bedroom place. I love them though, we get on wonderfully and I’m happy to pay for them when they’re in my home.

Hes paying way more than the calculator. He's paying half of uniforms, trips, and all joint debt from before because she can't afford to pay her half, because she has chosen to have more children when she couldn't afford to.

@AnneLovesGilbert no-ones suggesting OP's OH pays for ex's new child. Just that he pays a fair amount to maintain his own.

Why on earth are you trying for a baby with him when you’re already subsiding the maintenance he pays for the 3 existing kids?

When did his wages last go up? Cost of living has gone up for him too, he doesn't owe more because things are more expensive now, he owes more if he's earning more.

This is incorrect. The courts do not have jurisdiction for matters of child maintenance, they would simply refer parents to the CMS if they cannot make an amicable decision

No, ‘ridiculous’ covers it. As does ‘bollocks’.

The new partners have no responsibility to contribute to child maintenance.

No, that’s not true. Child maintenance is sorted through the Child Maintenance Service, not any type of court. No partner of either parent is responsible for supporting the children of those parents so their incomes wouldn’t be taken into account.

If you’re going to post it’s best to refrain from total misinformation.

As a household we’re completely fine and have a good lifestyle - we don’t have particularly expensive tastes. I have a well-paid and stable job, and he’ll have paid off the debts soon enough. I have savings and I could afford to be a single parent if it came to it.

But OP originally said they'd have them 50/50 or full custody and ex has refused. They could go to court to apply for 50/50 and then everyone's circumstances, finances too, will be taken into account.

Still not true.

As a mum of 3 i don't think he should. He has them half the time, you pay for activities, clothes etc and he pays maintenance. It's not your problem or his she had another baby. That's up to her and the babies dad to work out how to financially afford the baby.

No, you are already subsidising him. If he ups his contribution to your home then fair enough. You need to tell him this. If you can't tell him this then I wouldn't be having a baby with him. He cannot afford to up his maintainance.

She hasn't actually asked yet and may never ask. Anxiety is thinking ahead and catastrophising. I personally think £800pm is plenty but she hasn't actually asked yet and if she "drops hints/moans" then moan back, she may just be having a whinge like everyone else

No, the parents finances are taken into account by the CMS, not the finances of their partners.

So 3 kids and debt. What a catch 🙄

You sound like a saint OP. He sounds like he knows what side his bread is buttered.

To me he’s got two women in a bit of a shitty position. Yes costs for his ex are going up and it’s all very sad, but your already carrying the burden in your own family unit- if he pays her an extra £200 a month at the end of the day that is going to come from you- whether directly or indirectly by you picking up more of your shared expenses as he can’t afford to keep up with his responsibilities to you.

No, OP's lifestyle doesn't need to change at all considering she pays for most of it.

except it’s not the DP that would be paying, it’s OP. It’s not her responsibility to do so.

My ex would have laughed all the way to the end of the earth if I had asked him for more CM. He never paid a penny above nor towards any extras (not that I expected him to) - passports, dental trips, school uniform etc. Your OH is paying a joint debt too - if she should ask then the answer should be no!

And not once has OP said he's paying off all marital debt, just half. As he should. Debts arose jointly and should be paid accordingly. It now sounds like he largely lives off OP, having quite a good lifestyle, while he he's paying off old debt and avoiding paying a decent amount for his DC. He's hit lucky, hasn't he?

@Bootlass any child maintenance order via the court would only be valid for 12 months, after which it could revert to CMS, so it would be pointless. I am not at all a fan of the CMS system and it rarely results in the NRP paying their fair share.

In this instance, whilst I understand the point that the ex's new baby technically is irrelevant, it's interesting that were the OPs partner and her to have another child, his CMS would reduce and the ex would be left to pick up the difference or the kids go without something because a half sibling has been born. The law recognises that another child is costing the NRP more so his existing children get a smaller slice and it just assumes the RP will make up the difference. I get why that can't work in practice but I've always felt it was extremely wrong that CMS can be reduced if the NRP even lives with a step child, let alone has another of their own, but if the RP has more, it's tough.