To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

You aren't allowed to do that

She actually moved straight from the house she shared with OH to her partner’s (he’s her affair partner - after that they moved together to close to her family) then I met OH shortly afterwards.

The debt is a joint consolidation loan they took out shortly before splitting. It’s from years of overspending and holidays basically, and they had little to show for it, but what they did have (car, furniture), she kept for the benefit of the children. I know he lives within his means now.

Neither should OPs DH. She mentions having children on their own but he can’t afford to pay more for the 3 he already has.

More accurately, he lives within your means...

If he wants to pay more, he needs to work additional hours /get a second job to fund this. Why should it be on you?

Of course he lives within his means now!! Your paying for it all!

But OP can afford to have a kid. Especially if she stops subsidising someone else's!

I know he lives within his means now

No he lives within your means.

Exactly this

OP is a fool. I saw her update about how her DP does odd jobs about the house and has a flexible job so he can pick his dc up from school. Errrr his dc are his responsibility! She needs to stop paying for dc that aren’t hers. Her DP has lucked out. Free accommodation for him and his dc, holidays paid for, school uniform paid for, hobbies paid for. What a mug.

It's easily done though. Man meets woman, she wants to show how nice and kind she is so takes on his kids, throws her own money at them, takes on most of the care etc. Man sits back and congratulates himself. It ALWAYS comes back to bite the woman on the arse when she has her own child and realises her mistake.

You do know that paying off her debts can be deductible from CMS don't you?

Sounds very like our situation with ex. She did the same with her AP then also wanted contributions from me… she wasn’t successful

Stand firm!

When they divorced, who did the court assign the debts to?

Well, I meant he’s not getting into further debt or spending on anything for himself. He doesn’t have much left at the moment. Collectively we live within our means, like most couples do.

The house is 90% mine, and the savings he’s making me on renovations would easily cover the value of 20% of the living costs. If we were to split I could buy him out by remortgaging.

He pays the CMS-recommended amount (plus the same on top towards their joint debts, but that’s irrelevant).

Thing is, we all know that the CMS rates are the bare minimum, and doesn't actually cover half the cost of his children.

Why is everyone slating the op for paying more to their household? She earns double…

Plus he’s doing a heck of a lot in terms of renovating her house etc.

Hes also paying off £400 in debts that his ex has left to him cos she “can’t afford it” but can afford to have another kid and £400 maintenance to said ex (who also again can’t afford the current kids but had another).

he sounds like a decent dad who does as much as possible - why is everyone beating him down??

By then the man and his ex have got nice and used to the woman giving her all and act all offended that she might want to reserve her time, energy and money for her own children. This will happen when you have your own child OP, your OH will start complaining that your treating them differently to your own. Tale as old as time. Read the step parenting board.

But if that's all he can afford, then that's the ex's problem. Not for OP to subsidize and bankroll some woman living with her affair partner. Sitting on furniture that DP is paying off the credit for because OP covers all his expenses.

And have you ensured that he can’t make a claim for more based on all the work he’s doing?

And an even better question is who was ordered to pay these debts in the divorce? Just because they were accumulated during the marriage doesn't mean they were joint

You’d probably be able to afford those renovation costs if you were paying 50% of the bills and weren’t financially supporting a man and his children. It doesn’t matter if he has debt. He shouldn’t rely on his girlfriend to pay for his dc and living costs so he can pay off the debt. Stop paying for ‘family’ holidays (they aren’t your family), their uniforms, expensive hobbies etc. Sorry, but you’re just an ATM.

We have offered to have the children more -campaigned for it actually! - but it’s always been a no. She’s always been the primary parent and was a SAHM when she and OH split

I don't think YABU in your OP but I do think this comment is unfair. I don't think a mother should have to consider less time with her children as a fair equivalent to cost of living support. Or more aptly, I don't think a parent wanting to spend time with their DC should be used as justification for not paying adequate maintenance. Let's face it, if it were you and your DC, you would not be happy with your ex saying "I won't pay you money to look after the DC but I will take them off your hands and have them full time". You'd actually likely see that as a veiled threat.

It's even better.

OP has bought and paid for 90% of the house as well. But somehow thinks this is a good thing. So you're paying for his kids, his ex's debts and his house. But it's ok, because he's doing some handy man work in his spare time.

I guess the problem is you don't have them 50% so that seems unfair