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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

629 replies

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 15:26

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 22/03/2023 16:42

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 22/03/2023 15:43

Wow she has some front imo!
Imagine for a minute you and dh split up. She would be screwed then. Like she is screwing you now op!!

She hasn’t asked anything yet. So no front as of yet.

Naunet · 22/03/2023 16:43

Well he’s onto a bloody good thing with you isn’t he? I hope he is mind blowingly good at going down at least.

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2023 16:45

If I was her I would not want to rock the boat

You pay for their holidays and whatever else when under your roof

To all intents and purposes you are a gift to those children and there are not many people like you op on these boards

I can understand why she doesn’t want her kids to come to you more - I’d hate my kids living two separate lives tbh

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 16:45

Every penny extra you are paying this woman is a penny less for your own future and your own child if you have one.

OldFan · 22/03/2023 16:46

realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

CMS can't do this OP and his ex can't make that happen.

Of course if you decide to do that it's up to you, but I think you're doing far more than enough yourself as it is.

CoffeeBean5 · 22/03/2023 16:49

So your DP is only paying 25% of the household costs but he lives with you and has his dc round at yours for a substantial part of the year? You shouldn’t have allowed him and his dc to move in unless he was paying 50% of the bills. Please tell me you don’t pay for things for his dc.

Notegoat · 22/03/2023 16:49

Well, once the old debt is paid off he could choose to up the maintenance payment if he wants to.

callthataspade · 22/03/2023 16:49

You're a fool if you have kids with this man

How long have you been together? Where are you living? Your place or renting together?

Naunet · 22/03/2023 16:50

OP, if he’s so keen to have the kids more, as you say, why hasn’t he taken her to court for increased access?

Original poster
Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 16:50

For anyone worried I’m being taken advantage of, OH’s job allows him to be flexible in a way which mine doesn’t. This means he’s able to pick up his children from school, but also could be flexible with things like sick days for our future children.

He’s spending all his spare time renovating our house, saving us thousands and adding value to an asset which is 90% mine.

He’ll have paid off the debt in two years, at which point he’ll have more to contribute to the household (and to his ex’s house, if he wants to!).

Yes, we may never pay 50/50 to our living costs, but I think that’s pretty common when one partner is in a higher-paid field. Yes, costs are going up - and will do even more if we have a child - but we have a nice lifestyle together and I’m happy to contribute to SC’s costs when they’re in our home (but not their mum’s).

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 22/03/2023 16:51

YABU. They have more costs and no doubt her partners earnings will affect any benefits they can claim so he will largely be paying for your partners kids also.

Naunet · 22/03/2023 16:51

CoffeeBean5 · 22/03/2023 16:49

So your DP is only paying 25% of the household costs but he lives with you and has his dc round at yours for a substantial part of the year? You shouldn’t have allowed him and his dc to move in unless he was paying 50% of the bills. Please tell me you don’t pay for things for his dc.

Oh but she does! From the OP:

He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 16:52

Babyroobs · 22/03/2023 16:51

YABU. They have more costs and no doubt her partners earnings will affect any benefits they can claim so he will largely be paying for your partners kids also.

That’s for ex to think about before she moves in with someone else, not OP.

Bergan · 22/03/2023 16:52

OP is the debt in his name, her name or joint names and how do you know the debt was from before they split up?

Yousee · 22/03/2023 16:52

Notegoat · 22/03/2023 16:49

Well, once the old debt is paid off he could choose to up the maintenance payment if he wants to.

Or he could choose to pay his and his children's costs in his own household?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/03/2023 16:53

Why on earth would you want to have a child with someone who can’t afford the kids he’s already got? Raise your standards! Other men are available.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 22/03/2023 16:54

Bergan · 22/03/2023 16:52

OP is the debt in his name, her name or joint names and how do you know the debt was from before they split up?

Good question

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 22/03/2023 16:55

PeekAtYou · 22/03/2023 16:27

Some people are missing the point that he's paying £400 CMS and £400 towards debts (ex pays £0 towards the debt) £600 (her half of the debt plus CM) is 50% more than CMS.
Once the debt is repaid he can consider putting some of that £400 towards ex but OP mentions there being years of repayments left so some of the kids may have left home so CM will be less too.

Exactly this, he is already paying 50% over CMS + half of uniforms/trips + has them half the time they are off school.
I wouldn’t call it the bare minimum.

I’m not sure why OP is accused of not caring if the kids are fed etc, 600£ a months should definitely be enough to ensure they are. And clothed. And warm…

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 16:55

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 16:50

For anyone worried I’m being taken advantage of, OH’s job allows him to be flexible in a way which mine doesn’t. This means he’s able to pick up his children from school, but also could be flexible with things like sick days for our future children.

He’s spending all his spare time renovating our house, saving us thousands and adding value to an asset which is 90% mine.

He’ll have paid off the debt in two years, at which point he’ll have more to contribute to the household (and to his ex’s house, if he wants to!).

Yes, we may never pay 50/50 to our living costs, but I think that’s pretty common when one partner is in a higher-paid field. Yes, costs are going up - and will do even more if we have a child - but we have a nice lifestyle together and I’m happy to contribute to SC’s costs when they’re in our home (but not their mum’s).

Once you have your own child you will resent all of this (except the work on the house 😁)
Just be careful OP, if he even hints at agreeing to up maintenance then get him told.

WendyCraig · 22/03/2023 16:56

It sounds as if the issue is less the ex wanting more than the minimum maintenance and more that your OH expects you to fund a lifestyle he can't afford. He should be working out how he can afford to support his kids, not cadging off you.

callthataspade · 22/03/2023 16:57

So is it your house?

MzHz · 22/03/2023 16:57

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 15:53

We have offered to have the children more -campaigned for it actually! - but it’s always been a no. She’s always been the primary parent and was a SAHM when she and OH split.

No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it. It should be cleared in a few years at which point he’ll a more equal amount to our household’s costs.

No, we don’t have our own children yet. We want to and are trying now, but had other things to sort first (buying and renovating our house, both have recently secured new jobs).

Well he’d be able to pay more from his salary if he wasn’t already paying for her portion of their debt

say no, tell him no and mean it.

CwmYoy · 22/03/2023 16:57

Maybe once the debt it paid off he should reduce payments until he's reclaimed her half share.

Seems only fair.

Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 22/03/2023 16:58

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 15:53

We have offered to have the children more -campaigned for it actually! - but it’s always been a no. She’s always been the primary parent and was a SAHM when she and OH split.

No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it. It should be cleared in a few years at which point he’ll a more equal amount to our household’s costs.

No, we don’t have our own children yet. We want to and are trying now, but had other things to sort first (buying and renovating our house, both have recently secured new jobs).

She won’t want you to have his kids more cos she won’t be able to bleed more cash out of you. Stand firm. She’s taking the piss. If she can’t afford to pay for her kids she shouldn’t be having more. That’s her problem not yours.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 16:58

He should be funding his children's lifestyle.

You are draining away your future

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