Page 25 | To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

Nastyurtium · 2023-03-22T15:26:20+00:00

Need a sanity check here. OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs. I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK). His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused. AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

Biilie82 · 26/03/2023 18:43

T1Dmama · 26/03/2023 02:21

The point is though that he does pay all the extras… he could just pay child maintenance and nothing else (like most other Dads do!

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He ‘could’ do that, wouldn’t make it right though, how about we raise the bar?

Ladybyrd · 26/03/2023 18:52

Ah, I missed it. I definitely wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Maintain the kids can stay when they like etc. but you're being more that fair paying her half of the debt off for her. Pretty stupid to have another child if she can't afford it, although I suspect she's just trying it on. You cut your coat according to your cloth, not that of your expartner's new girlfriend! She sounds like a CF to me.

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 20:29

I think you should compromise , and at least up it 11% as that’s what supposedly inflation is . Or maybe compromise and tell her once the debts are paid you guys can increase it to £500 ? Either way if you have a good relationship that is worth more than £100 imo and you should all learn to give and take .

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/03/2023 20:31

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 20:29

I think you should compromise , and at least up it 11% as that’s what supposedly inflation is . Or maybe compromise and tell her once the debts are paid you guys can increase it to £500 ? Either way if you have a good relationship that is worth more than £100 imo and you should all learn to give and take .

At the moment, OP gives and the ex-wife takes.

None of this is her responsibility, and OP does not need to give any more.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2023 20:52

Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 14:35

I do think there’s something in the suggestion that she’s jealous that her ex has the higher earning partner. She’s quite disparaging about our house, our cars, and things we do (we tell the children that it’s not a competition and that they’re lucky in both homes).

From what the children have said, she pays for food and their direct costs, and her boyfriend pays for the house costs. So he does pay for the children indirectly (same as me) and has probably borne the brunt of the increased costs from the baby.

The question of the children moving in with us is an interesting one. If they wanted it, of course we’d love it too. I don’t expect we’d receive any maintenance at all but we’d manage. I don’t think we’d get any benefits due to my salary and we’d need to put them into wraparound care as no extended family nearby, but we already have the space and everything they need here. I’d worry about the psychological impact of switching primary carer. The older two are quite shy so I think they’d be afraid of switching schools, and get a lot from being with extended family. The youngest has some behavioural difficulties and is just desperate for attention, which is getting worse since the new baby arrived. I do think he’d be better off with us long-term because we’d have more time for him and we have more structure, but he also adores his mum, and I don’t think he’d ever be willingly separated from her. I can definitely see it being suggested if any of them become troubled teenagers though. I could also see a scenario where one or more ends up living primarily with their maternal grandparents.

You wanted to take them away from their mother so that the father didn't have to pay maintenance? I presume that would have meant them changing schools too seeing that you live so far from the mother?
How would you feel if that was suggested for the child you intend to have with him?

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 21:16

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/03/2023 20:31

At the moment, OP gives and the ex-wife takes.

None of this is her responsibility, and OP does not need to give any more.

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£400 is extremely low for 3 kids so with all due respect I doubt it’s 50% of what their true cost is . As a step mum myself I would never let my sc go without . My partner earns less than he does and pays considerably more .

HamBone · 26/03/2023 21:23

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 21:16

£400 is extremely low for 3 kids so with all due respect I doubt it’s 50% of what their true cost is . As a step mum myself I would never let my sc go without . My partner earns less than he does and pays considerably more .

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@Mum23amazingkids Tbf, the OP’s partner is also paying off shared debt that his ex wife was court-ordered to pay off too, but hasn’t. Plus she doesn’t work so it’s all very messy finance-wise.

CoffeeBean5 · 26/03/2023 21:29

Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 12:34

I do worry about there being an unfair dynamic in the other home, but there’s not much we can do about it.

The boyfriend’s family are (understandably) overjoyed about their first grandchild and my OH’s children have spent a lot more time with their mum’s parents since the baby’s arrival. The baby has his own bedroom already whereas OH’s three share. There’s been term-time trips with the baby whilst the children stay at the grandparents’. The baby has all new toys and clothes whereas OH’s are in second-hand. The youngest in particular is struggling with the change and not being the youngest anymore. But these are all standard blended family situations and really, it’s up to them to work them through.

We have now replied to the email to say we won’t be increasing the regular payments whilst the loan is being paid off, but to contact us with any specific requests and we’ll see what we can do. Apparently we are disgusting and should be ashamed of ourselves 🤐

we won’t be increasing the regular payments whilst the loan is being paid off, but to contact us with any specific requests and we’ll see what we can do

Don’t increase the amount even when the loan has been paid off. However, you shouldn’t have to pay for school uniform or holidays (their dad should). Your DP’s ex’s living costs have increased because they spend lots of money on holidays (for her, affair partner and baby) and decided to have another child. She will probably just use the extra money on her new baby and herself.

whumpthereitis · 26/03/2023 21:52

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2023 20:52

You wanted to take them away from their mother so that the father didn't have to pay maintenance? I presume that would have meant them changing schools too seeing that you live so far from the mother?
How would you feel if that was suggested for the child you intend to have with him?

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No more than the mother takes them away from their father.

it’s a reasonable suggestion that OP and her DP offer to have the children more, given their father cannot afford to increase the maintenance. It does seem surprising though that a woman struggling with the increased cost of living would not only choose to have another baby, but be actively planning the next one as well.

whumpthereitis · 26/03/2023 21:55

Mum23amazingkids · 26/03/2023 21:16

£400 is extremely low for 3 kids so with all due respect I doubt it’s 50% of what their true cost is . As a step mum myself I would never let my sc go without . My partner earns less than he does and pays considerably more .

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Low or high, it isn’t OP’s problem. She already chooses to financially contribute towards them when they’re in her household, but that doesn’t mean she’s at all obliged to do so, and she certainly isn’t in any way obliged to contribute to their mother’s.

Lizzt2007 · 26/03/2023 22:05

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2023 20:52

You wanted to take them away from their mother so that the father didn't have to pay maintenance? I presume that would have meant them changing schools too seeing that you live so far from the mother?
How would you feel if that was suggested for the child you intend to have with him?

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No, they would have happily had the children live with them because they love them! Nothing to do with paying maintenance! They both changed jobs and moved nearer to the mother when she sold up and moved following her affair so they could maintain closer contact with the kids. The main reason they haven't gone for more custody is because they're worried that it would disrupt the children. At least read ops posts if you don't want to go through the whole thread , your assumptions and passive aggression towards op are ridiculous.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2023 22:39

Lizzt2007 · 26/03/2023 22:05

No, they would have happily had the children live with them because they love them! Nothing to do with paying maintenance! They both changed jobs and moved nearer to the mother when she sold up and moved following her affair so they could maintain closer contact with the kids. The main reason they haven't gone for more custody is because they're worried that it would disrupt the children. At least read ops posts if you don't want to go through the whole thread , your assumptions and passive aggression towards op are ridiculous.

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Says the op!
I dont believe a word she says

Blossomtoes · 26/03/2023 22:44

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2023 22:39

Says the op!
I dont believe a word she says

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Why not?

Lizzt2007 · 26/03/2023 23:33

Sugarplumfairy65 · 26/03/2023 22:39

Says the op!
I dont believe a word she says

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And what would your evidence for that be?

18thCpanniers · 27/03/2023 00:07

Wow. I really hope you never find yourself in a blended family situation. If you choose to partner with, and in particular,
cohabit with, a partner who already has children, YAAAH if you don’t treat those children as family. They didn’t choose the situation. All of the adults involved need to accept that the children’s lack of choice means that the adults have a responsibility to make the children feel at home,
no matter which home they are in at the time. When did people become so mean-spirited towards kids?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 27/03/2023 00:28

18thCpanniers · 27/03/2023 00:07

Wow. I really hope you never find yourself in a blended family situation. If you choose to partner with, and in particular,
cohabit with, a partner who already has children, YAAAH if you don’t treat those children as family. They didn’t choose the situation. All of the adults involved need to accept that the children’s lack of choice means that the adults have a responsibility to make the children feel at home,
no matter which home they are in at the time. When did people become so mean-spirited towards kids?

No, who "chose" the situation, is the mother, who has moved her kids immediately in with the bloke she was having an affair with, got pregnant, then the pair of them are trying to scrounge off OP through her partner to cover their life choices.

How twisted to try and make out OP should be trying to fund 3 kids, when their own mother doesn't.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/03/2023 00:45

If you choose to partner with, and in particular,
cohabit with, a partner who already has children, YAAAH if you don’t treat those children as family.

Treat them as family, yes. Pay for them, no.

18thCpanniers · 27/03/2023 01:06

I just want children to be happy, feel loved equally, feel respected & show respect to others. It seems likely to happen if the adults around them are consistently kind and fair to the kids than if then adults are making a fuss about their perception of what they’re getting fairness.

whumpthereitis · 27/03/2023 01:25

18thCpanniers · 27/03/2023 01:06

I just want children to be happy, feel loved equally, feel respected & show respect to others. It seems likely to happen if the adults around them are consistently kind and fair to the kids than if then adults are making a fuss about their perception of what they’re getting fairness.

They are consistently fair to the kids, they’re just not funding their mother and her further children.

PopstarsDad · 27/03/2023 03:41

Congrats to the ex and her partner for having a child. That is lovely news, however, it is not your responsibility.

The fact that the additional child is mentioned in this post conflates the circumstances regarding finances.

This additional child has resulted in her inability to work the number of hours she would normally work. This is neither your problem or your OH.

Money paid by your OH should be used solely to assist with costs relating to his children.

The fact they go on more holidays than you rubs me the wrong way too.

Times are tough. It is neither your nor your OH responsibility to maintain the lifestyle they wish to live.
They should consider sacrificing one of the many holidays. If they do, the problem may very resolve itself.

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2023 09:10

18thCpanniers · 27/03/2023 01:06

I just want children to be happy, feel loved equally, feel respected & show respect to others. It seems likely to happen if the adults around them are consistently kind and fair to the kids than if then adults are making a fuss about their perception of what they’re getting fairness.

You could just as easily say they will grow up to be taken advantage of, or take advantage of others. They need to witness fairness amongst adults, too.

Elly46 · 27/03/2023 11:38

This is a really good point!

FUSoftPlay · 27/03/2023 12:50

When DH has been in a similar situation he has had to say something along the lines of “sorry but your lifestyle isn’t one of someone struggling, perhaps you need to prioritise your spending differently. I am providing x amount which is fair. We can’t spend our money on x, y and z so it’s really difficult to reconcile that you’re struggling financially.”

whilst I agree that their lifestyle is largely irrelevant it’s one thing being asked to contribute extra and sacrifice yourself and other household because there’s genuine need, quite another when the other household is managing better.

its not for the NRP to maintain a standard of living the other household is accustomed to. The cost of living has impacted us all.

SemperIdem · 27/03/2023 13:25

18thCpanniers · 27/03/2023 00:07

Wow. I really hope you never find yourself in a blended family situation. If you choose to partner with, and in particular,
cohabit with, a partner who already has children, YAAAH if you don’t treat those children as family. They didn’t choose the situation. All of the adults involved need to accept that the children’s lack of choice means that the adults have a responsibility to make the children feel at home,
no matter which home they are in at the time. When did people become so mean-spirited towards kids?

Is this directed at the op, who is very clearly already in a blended family step up 🥴

MzHz · 27/03/2023 14:32

@Nastyurtium When the debt is cleared, OH and I will have a discussion about our finances and potentially raise the maintenance amount. We’ll continue paying for ad-hoc tangible items like football boots as they arise. As I said before I’m aware their costs will increase as they age. But at the moment their financial pressure is primarily due to having a new baby (and apparently planning the next).

I suggest that the conversation goes to him contributing MORE to your joint household, covering holidays for the kids and taking on a more equal share of the expenses than at present. IF there is anything left over, that is what HE has the decision on; if he adds to his own rainy day fund, treats his kids OR pay more in maintenance.

so you're "disgusting and should be ashamed of yourselves"?, yeah right. what does that make her then?