Page 3 | To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

Nastyurtium · 2023-03-22T15:26:20+00:00

Need a sanity check here. OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs. I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK). His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused. AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

Redebs · 22/03/2023 16:12

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 15:54

But it doesn't matter what kind of lifestyle bio mum has, it is a fact that it now costs more to house, feed and clothe their DC when they are in her home, which is the majority of the time if you only have them every other weekend and half school holidays. This is not a 50/50 split is it? So she's paying more for everyday expenses than dad is. So, if all their bills go up (guaranteed for absolutely everyone) it's fairer that OH' ex and her partner bear the extra cos rather than it coming from your household? It doesnt matter how many holidays they go on, your OH's Ex's partner is still having to pay out more for you OH's DC to live in their home. But you want OH to pay bare minimum he get away with by law?

Either party could go to court and let all income and expenditure be examined and investigated and a fair amount will be awarded, but this will probably amount to thousands of pounds in legal fees and then everyone will be worse off.

Paying a little extra than absolute bare minimum than what some soulless calculator deems appropriate to reflect that everyone's bills have gone up may be the better, fairer and kinder option.

Yes, definitely this. Surely you both want the children properly provided for?

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 16:15

I wish I could bloody shake women who take on men with their kids and debt. If he can up his payments without it affecting you at all then fab. BUT, if he can afford to, that's only because the OP is subsidising him. They always manage to find the women who are financially savvy second time round dont they?

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 16:15

Yes, definitely this. Surely you both want the children properly provided for?

Harsh as it sounds I have no interest in my SC being provided for by me. I'd like to see him well provided for by his parents but I have no personal investment in doing it myself.

Meandfour · 22/03/2023 16:16

YANBU to say no to paying more sending as you foot 75% of the bill.
YABU to come up with the suggestion of the children living with you full time when neither of their parents have suggested this. How will you cope with your jobs with 3 hours a day spent on school runs (as they live 90 mins away) or would you plan or further disruption and move them away from their school and friends as well as their mum?

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 16:17

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 16:15

Yes, definitely this. Surely you both want the children properly provided for?

Harsh as it sounds I have no interest in my SC being provided for by me. I'd like to see him well provided for by his parents but I have no personal investment in doing it myself.

A woman with boundaries! Agree.

TheFlis12345 · 22/03/2023 16:17

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 16:12

And not once has OP said he's paying off all marital debt, just half. As he should. Debts arose jointly and should be paid accordingly. It now sounds like he largely lives off OP, having quite a good lifestyle, while he he's paying off old debt and avoiding paying a decent amount for his DC. He's hit lucky, hasn't he?

Yes she has, quite clearly on page 1: “No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it.”

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 16:17

Redebs · 22/03/2023 16:12

Yes, definitely this. Surely you both want the children properly provided for?

Show quote history

I don’t care how my DSC are provided for, besides knowing DH pays CMS. It’s his responsibility, not mine.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 16:19

And she’s a CF to list her having another baby with someone else, as reasons her maintenance should increase.

Yousee · 22/03/2023 16:19

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 16:12

And not once has OP said he's paying off all marital debt, just half. As he should. Debts arose jointly and should be paid accordingly. It now sounds like he largely lives off OP, having quite a good lifestyle, while he he's paying off old debt and avoiding paying a decent amount for his DC. He's hit lucky, hasn't he?

OP said exactly that -

No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it

So he is paying her £400 CM, plus £200 to cover her share of the joint debts which she has decided not to pay, plus half of big costs such as uniform and school trips, plus he and OP provide all they need on the 50% of non-school days that the children spend with them.

Not sure if OP has mentioned this and I've missed it but I'd bet I can guess whose household is also shouldering the costs of transport after this woman moved her children 90 minutes away from their father.

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:20

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 16:17

I don’t care how my DSC are provided for, besides knowing DH pays CMS. It’s his responsibility, not mine.

Show quote history

You don't care if your DSC have enough to eat, what they need for school, a good standard of living? Aslong as he pays the minmum he can get away with....

This is one reason there are so many terrible dads: the women that enable them.

Meandfour · 22/03/2023 16:20

Fundays12 · 22/03/2023 16:09

As a mum of 3 i don't think he should. He has them half the time, you pay for activities, clothes etc and he pays maintenance. It's not your problem or his she had another baby. That's up to her and the babies dad to work out how to financially afford the baby.

Where on earth have you got that he has them half the time? OP stated in her OP he only has them every other weekend.
So he has them 4 days a month and only pays £400 per month for 3 children.

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:21

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 16:19

And she’s a CF to list her having another baby with someone else, as reasons her maintenance should increase.

Dads cite having a baby with someone else as reasons to decrease. As if their children need less because they've knocked up another woman...

zingally · 22/03/2023 16:21

Well, your "D"P is living on easy street isn't he? Got fed up with one woman and his 3 kids, contributes the bare minimum from his actual pocket, and relies on woman number 2 to fund 75% of the rest of his life.

He must have a big dick, or something, because there don't seem to be many other good selling points.

mybeautifuloak · 22/03/2023 16:23

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 15:54

But it doesn't matter what kind of lifestyle bio mum has, it is a fact that it now costs more to house, feed and clothe their DC when they are in her home, which is the majority of the time if you only have them every other weekend and half school holidays. This is not a 50/50 split is it? So she's paying more for everyday expenses than dad is. So, if all their bills go up (guaranteed for absolutely everyone) it's fairer that OH' ex and her partner bear the extra cos rather than it coming from your household? It doesnt matter how many holidays they go on, your OH's Ex's partner is still having to pay out more for you OH's DC to live in their home. But you want OH to pay bare minimum he get away with by law?

Either party could go to court and let all income and expenditure be examined and investigated and a fair amount will be awarded, but this will probably amount to thousands of pounds in legal fees and then everyone will be worse off.

Paying a little extra than absolute bare minimum than what some soulless calculator deems appropriate to reflect that everyone's bills have gone up may be the better, fairer and kinder option.

What would be fairer and kinder would be if the ex paid her half of their debt that currently DH is fully covering. He is effectively paying way above the minimum as he is paying her half of their joint debt along with his CMS requirements.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/03/2023 16:23

No, we don’t have our own children yet. We want to and are trying now

Oh ffs. Why this need to have a children with every "partner"? He can't afford three children, let alone four.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 16:23

You don't care if your DSC have enough to eat, what they need for school, a good standard of living? Aslong as he pays the minmum he can get away with....

No, people are saying they don't care enough to step in and do it themselves. I don't want to see any child without a decent standard of living but that doesn't mean I'm willing to pay for it myself.

Gh12345 · 22/03/2023 16:24

As an ex CMS worker, I’d say the relationship is more important. Instead of doing an increase in the amount, sometimes it’s better to take items as they come. Like clothes etc. as long as he pays the minimum that CMS specify then he’s not liable to pay anymore (I understand you said he pays a bit more to cover some debts). It’s hard in these situations.

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:24

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 16:23

You don't care if your DSC have enough to eat, what they need for school, a good standard of living? Aslong as he pays the minmum he can get away with....

No, people are saying they don't care enough to step in and do it themselves. I don't want to see any child without a decent standard of living but that doesn't mean I'm willing to pay for it myself.

Thats not what the PP sais, she said she does not care. No qualifier, she just doesn't care.
Many women don't

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 16:25

What would be fairer and kinder would be if the ex paid her half of their debt that currently DH is fully covering. He is effectively paying way above the minimum as he is paying her half of their joint debt along with his CMS requirements.

Yes, this.

If he's laying off her half of the debt then I would take this as part of the CMS myself, as this is money she should rightfully be having to pay that he is saving her.

OverCCCs · 22/03/2023 16:25

Your DP needs to prioritize how to get a job that enables him to pay his Ex enough money to fairly cover the actual costs of raising their three shared children before even thinking about bringing another life into this world.

It’s a bad look to sponge off of you and then point to his low salary as the reason why CMS can’t increase. No, your income shouldn’t go to the stepkids. But his should so he needs to find a solution to earn more
money. If he can’t get a higher paying job in his field where you all live, he needs to be creative. Maybe that means taking on a second part time job or finding a remote role. But he needs to prioritize the children who are already here and actually pull his weight financially, not just the bare minimum. If he won’t, he’s a piece of shit and you should dump him asap.

Original poster

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 16:25

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:20

You don't care if your DSC have enough to eat, what they need for school, a good standard of living? Aslong as he pays the minmum he can get away with....

This is one reason there are so many terrible dads: the women that enable them.

Show quote history

They are adequately provided for in both households - as I said in my OP, they have fairly similar lifestyles in both homes.

If there was any neglect then of course we’d be in court asking for primary custody. That’s not the case. They love their mum and are happy living with her. OH and I have discussed the possibility of them choosing to live with us in their teens and we’d both be very happy to support that.

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 22/03/2023 16:27

Some people are missing the point that he's paying £400 CMS and £400 towards debts (ex pays £0 towards the debt) £600 (her half of the debt plus CM) is 50% more than CMS.
Once the debt is repaid he can consider putting some of that £400 towards ex but OP mentions there being years of repayments left so some of the kids may have left home so CM will be less too.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 16:27

Thats not what the PP sais, she said she does not care. No qualifier, she just doesn't care.
Many women don't

Yes but context is key. She was replying to a comment that was implying OP should be happy to subsidise maintenance as she wants to see them well provided for.

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 16:27

For Gods sake, if a father can't afford to pay more maintainance then he can't afford it. This one can't afford it without taking the piss out of the OP even more than he is already. The OP isn't enabling him to be a shit father. She shouldn't be out of pocket AT ALL for someone else's children.

mybeautifuloak · 22/03/2023 16:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as we do not believe that the poster is genuine.

The moral thing surely would be for the ex to pay her half of their joint debt before going on to have another child she can't afford. DH is paying their joint debt himself because 'she can't afford to'. She then goes off and has another child and potentially asks DH to pay more as her costs have gone up? Having a laugh.