Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

629 replies

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 15:26

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 16:28

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:21

Dads cite having a baby with someone else as reasons to decrease. As if their children need less because they've knocked up another woman...

Show quote history

Doesn’t apply the other way though

Yousee · 22/03/2023 16:28

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:21

Dads cite having a baby with someone else as reasons to decrease. As if their children need less because they've knocked up another woman...

Show quote history

Dad's cite having to split their money across more children.
This mother is going to have to split her money across more children, too.
I did the same, when baby DS was born I didn't find some random male to try to get money from, my DH and I pay for what he needs and theres a bit less available for elder DS and also DSD🤷‍♀️🤯

PennyForearm · 22/03/2023 16:28

zingally · 22/03/2023 16:21

Well, your "D"P is living on easy street isn't he? Got fed up with one woman and his 3 kids, contributes the bare minimum from his actual pocket, and relies on woman number 2 to fund 75% of the rest of his life.

He must have a big dick, or something, because there don't seem to be many other good selling points.

This.

Why on earth are you trying to have a baby with a man who can’t provide for the 3 children he already has.

What a utter waster.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/03/2023 16:28

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 16:27

For Gods sake, if a father can't afford to pay more maintainance then he can't afford it. This one can't afford it without taking the piss out of the OP even more than he is already. The OP isn't enabling him to be a shit father. She shouldn't be out of pocket AT ALL for someone else's children.

She's not enabling him being a shit father? She's trying for a baby with him.

mybeautifuloak · 22/03/2023 16:29

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 16:12

And not once has OP said he's paying off all marital debt, just half. As he should. Debts arose jointly and should be paid accordingly. It now sounds like he largely lives off OP, having quite a good lifestyle, while he he's paying off old debt and avoiding paying a decent amount for his DC. He's hit lucky, hasn't he?

Try reading again. He is paying the whole debt on his own as she 'can't afford to' and it will ruin his credit if he doesn't cover it.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/03/2023 16:29

she’s had another baby so can’t work as much
😂😂😂

So looks to her ex to find her, not the father of the new baby?

caringcarer · 22/03/2023 16:29

Next time she makes a comment about struggling to afford to pay the bills suggest she should have waited before having a forth baby. If she could manage before on maintenance and since baby can't she is likely using maintenance for your DH children to spend on baby.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/03/2023 16:30

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:20

You don't care if your DSC have enough to eat, what they need for school, a good standard of living? Aslong as he pays the minmum he can get away with....

This is one reason there are so many terrible dads: the women that enable them.

Show quote history

Nope. They are their parents responsibility

ACynicalDad · 22/03/2023 16:30

Without knowing how much the debt is, what repayments are and if she is covering some of it too, I'd say stick where he is until the debt is paid, then think of giving her some of the money he's no longer paying out on repayments. If he wants to give his kids more than the minimum I think it's admirable.

Stressfordays · 22/03/2023 16:30

But she hasn't even asked for him to up his maintenance? Shes just had a whinge about how expensive everything is, which it is. You're on mumsnet making out shes some kind of money grabber while her ex sponges off you.

Rayn22 · 22/03/2023 16:31

OP. You sound wonderful. However, you pay more than your fair share. She will have to go to work like everyone else.

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 16:31

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/03/2023 16:28

She's not enabling him being a shit father? She's trying for a baby with him.

Show quote history

I said that due to someone upthread saying women enable men to be shit fathers sorry wasn't clear! OP isn't doing that. More fool her if she has a baby with this man...

ArnoldBee · 22/03/2023 16:32

Have you applied for a cms variation for the debt?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 22/03/2023 16:33

OP you are doing a very sweet, but very naive thing. And two chancers are taking advantage of that.

She gets CMS based on his earnings. That's it. You aren't even married to this guy so not even a step mum. If he wasn't with you, what would she be doing? The answer is, exactly what should be happening now. You shouldn't come into it.

He's only paying off her debt and extra CMS because you are subsidising all his costs. So essentially, you are funding that. Then you pay for all their costs when with you, and the mother refuses any increased contact when you ask for something you'd like.

You need to stop paying, you are being taking advantage of. It's not your problem she's had 3 kids with a guy who's broke, then set up with another guy and had a 4th which they can't afford. It's your OH's and hers for 3 of them, and hers and new guys for the 4th. Stop voluntarily bankrolling these people who are using you. Sorry, but they are.

It's one thing to treat the DC when with you, to be kind. But to be paying his portion of your household expenses, so he can pay off his and her debts, and fund their kids? No.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but she needs to get a reality check and so does OH. It should be as if you are not in the picture. She wants more money? Get a job. Get her partner to pull his weight more.

They are all parents, sponging off the only person in this scenario who is not a parent to any of the kids.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 16:33

Her choice to have a baby and not work so that should be excluded from the conversation.

It needs to be based on what DH earns. Nothing to do with your finances. You shouldn't be paying it, your money is for you and any kids you have.

mybeautifuloak · 22/03/2023 16:35

ACynicalDad · 22/03/2023 16:30

Without knowing how much the debt is, what repayments are and if she is covering some of it too, I'd say stick where he is until the debt is paid, then think of giving her some of the money he's no longer paying out on repayments. If he wants to give his kids more than the minimum I think it's admirable.

He's paying £400 pm CMS and £400 pm debt repayment. So that's £600 to her. £400 CMS abs £200 her portion of the debt. So he's laying 50% more than the CMS requires. I'd say that was pretty generous.

tatalan · 22/03/2023 16:35

He's using you and you would be extremely foolish to have a child with him.

How naive.

Namechange8759 · 22/03/2023 16:35

If dh's dc need more money, he and the dc's mum will need to earn more to provide it.

It has nothing to do with the OP, who is already subsidising the dc's father. It also nothing to do with the mum's new partner.

VikingsandDragons · 22/03/2023 16:35

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:20

You don't care if your DSC have enough to eat, what they need for school, a good standard of living? Aslong as he pays the minmum he can get away with....

This is one reason there are so many terrible dads: the women that enable them.

Show quote history

I'm not sure we're reading the same thread, from what I've read the children are going on multiple holidays a year, not begging for gruel and water. I'm sure responses would be very different if the picture painted was of one where the family were genuinely struggling to provide basic food, clothing, heating etc

tatalan · 22/03/2023 16:36

TwinsAndTiramisu · 22/03/2023 16:33

OP you are doing a very sweet, but very naive thing. And two chancers are taking advantage of that.

She gets CMS based on his earnings. That's it. You aren't even married to this guy so not even a step mum. If he wasn't with you, what would she be doing? The answer is, exactly what should be happening now. You shouldn't come into it.

He's only paying off her debt and extra CMS because you are subsidising all his costs. So essentially, you are funding that. Then you pay for all their costs when with you, and the mother refuses any increased contact when you ask for something you'd like.

You need to stop paying, you are being taking advantage of. It's not your problem she's had 3 kids with a guy who's broke, then set up with another guy and had a 4th which they can't afford. It's your OH's and hers for 3 of them, and hers and new guys for the 4th. Stop voluntarily bankrolling these people who are using you. Sorry, but they are.

It's one thing to treat the DC when with you, to be kind. But to be paying his portion of your household expenses, so he can pay off his and her debts, and fund their kids? No.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but she needs to get a reality check and so does OH. It should be as if you are not in the picture. She wants more money? Get a job. Get her partner to pull his weight more.

They are all parents, sponging off the only person in this scenario who is not a parent to any of the kids.

@Nastyurtium read ALL THIS and read it again.

Floppyelf · 22/03/2023 16:36

I would dump your partner and find a better catch.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 16:37

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 16:15

Yes, definitely this. Surely you both want the children properly provided for?

Harsh as it sounds I have no interest in my SC being provided for by me. I'd like to see him well provided for by his parents but I have no personal investment in doing it myself.

Same. I provide a roof over their head by paying for a bigger mortgage than I would if they don't exist. That's enough for me.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 16:38

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 16:20

You don't care if your DSC have enough to eat, what they need for school, a good standard of living? Aslong as he pays the minmum he can get away with....

This is one reason there are so many terrible dads: the women that enable them.

Show quote history

For me it's nothing to do with him paying the minimum he can. Just not my problem if mum can't afford all the stuff she thinks she should be able to afford purely because I can afford it for my own child.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 22/03/2023 16:40

Sugarplumfairy65 · 22/03/2023 15:45

The CMS level is the minimum that should be paid and this takes into account the number of nights spent with the nrp. Even paying for half the uniforms and trips won't be that much extra.
The resident parents income has nothing to do with how much maintenance is paid

Neither does the father’s new partner’s income. If he can’t pay more then it’s tough luck sorry.

MangoPi · 22/03/2023 16:41

YANBU,

You are already doing more than enough - any increase shouldn't be up to you to fund.