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AIBU?

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Original poster

He's not a grandparent?

157 replies

biankss · 22/03/2023 08:42

Yesterday I took DS to the park, and uploaded some pictures of him onto facebook. In the midst of comments my DH saw a comment from his step-dad saying something along the lines of "My beautiful grandson, whom i love very much". He never really says this, perhaps scared to overstep a boundary. However, MIL always encourages him to call himself grandad or when DS is over she says "go to grandad".

I've really got no opinion on it really, I've seen families where this happens and children have 4 grandparents and they're all very happy, including the biological grandparents. But, I noticed yesterday by DH reaction to the comment he wasn't happy and said something like "My mother really needs to stop telling Paul (not actual name) to say things like this". I could tell he was getting annoyed.

Part of me thinks he's in his right to think this, perhaps he's not comfortable with DS having another grandparent, when DH and his dad have a perfectly good relationship. The other part of me thinks maybe it's not a big deal, but I guess it's also dependent on DH's dad and how he feels in this situation.

I also don't think I should speak on the matter, as it's really none of my concern. I guess just looking for someone's perspective and maybe address with DH to avoid conflict, he's got a bit of a fiery personality, and would hate for there to be a falling out because everyone simply adores our DS.

OP posts:
DizzyLizzyKizzy · 22/03/2023 08:45

If his SD was treating his blood GC better than his SGC, would your DH be happy with that?

I think it's fine.

Christmapartyhelp · 22/03/2023 08:52

My grandad was a step grandad (although I didn’t even realise that until I was quite old!) - he was my favourite grandparent and I adored him, but my dad was never close to him. I think your dh needs to remember that having been in your ds’s life (I’m assuming) since birth your ds will view him as family in a way your dh probably never will, and if he’s a nice bloke and kind to your ds then that’s a positive thing!

Newtrix · 22/03/2023 08:55

My Stepdad and nephews have an unbreakable bond, they have no idea who are their official grandparents.

harriethoyle · 22/03/2023 08:56

I bet your DH would be quick to complain if his SD was lavishing gifts and attention on biological grandchild and ignoring your DS.

romdowa · 22/03/2023 08:59

If your dh isn't comfortable with it , then he's not comfortable with it and you know what , that's his right. He's the one who needs to address it though

PurpleAirGuitar · 22/03/2023 09:00

How long has Paul been his stepdad? I sort of feel that this would be quite natural if he'd been in his life for ever (I know a guy aged about 50 who just thinks of his stepdad as his dad, he's been around since he was a toddler, it was only when I commented that they didn't look much alike that I found out they weren't blood relatives), but very presumptuous if he's only been around a few years, and especially if he came along after your DS was born.

saraclara · 22/03/2023 09:01

Hmmm. Honestly, I'd have felt uncomfortable about my mum's partner calling himself my kids' grandad. But my dad died when they were tiny, so maybe that's the difference?

But yep, I think it's children's parents who get to decide whether a non related person is called grandad or not. DH could be able to say calmly to his mum that had prefer that he wasn't. But it sounds like its way too late now.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 09:02

You see a lot of posts on here where people moan that the step grandparents aren't treating the kids the same as their non step grandchildren. So he needs to think hard about what he wants.he can't have it both ways.

Peppermint81 · 22/03/2023 09:04

Think your husband is being childish!
Your child is so lucky to have an extra grandparent in their lives.
Paul is part of the family now whether he likes it or not. Why would he want to upset his mother also?

LondonPretty · 22/03/2023 09:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Picklewicklepickle · 22/03/2023 09:05

I think it depends on when he came into your DH’s life and their relationship. DH’s stepdad met his mum when he was about 11, he’s never tried to be his dad but they have a good relationship and he is very much one of our DC’s grandads, they just have 3 of them!

BingoBonus · 22/03/2023 09:05

It's lovely that he cares about your ds and wants to be considered a grandparent. Would your husband feel more comfortable with it if he was called grandad Peter rather than grandad?
The more loving and supportive adults a child has around them the better, your husband needs to think about this from your DS point of view rather than focusing on "he's not really his grandparent".

RudsyFarmer · 22/03/2023 09:06

First of all children can never have too many people who love them in their lives. So the fact that the husband of your MIL considers your child family and as long as he is acting loving and appropriate then that’s a good thing.

Your husbands reaction is no doubt a protective mechanism in relation to his actual father, the child’s biological grand parent, and whether this social media outpouring devalues his dad’s role. My natural reaction is ‘no it doesn’t’ but I don’t know these people and only they can decide how they feel.

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/03/2023 09:06

I don't understand his issue tbh. What does it matter if they're not biologically related, they still have a relationship? The more positive relationships a child has the better really.

My mum's partner is "grandad [name]" to her grandchildren, there's no harm in it. It doesn't exclude anybody and there's no law on the maximum grandparent figures a child can have.

I only had one grandparent growing up, more would have been lovely. The others were deceased or ignoring us, so maybe I'm biased towards "the more the merrier" for that reason. But I don't see that there's a downside or anything wrong with it? Does he feel his dad is being excluded or bested in some way?

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 22/03/2023 09:07

I have a dad, and also my mother's partner whom she met when I was an adult so not really my step dad. He was with my mum long before DC was born and we asked him if he was ok being referred to as grandad, which he was. So to DC he is Grandad X, and my dad is Grandad Y, and DWs dad is Grandad Z.

DC is fully aware of the situation now and all Grandad's treat them the same as other grandchildren, where blood or not (we have large families on both sides with step parents, step siblings etc).

I think it does depend on your DH's relationship with Paul tho and perhaps if there is/was animosity over you DH's parents breakup. If DH really doesn't like it tho, he needs to discuss it with his mum and the sooner the better so your DC doesn't get confused.

Wenfy · 22/03/2023 09:07

Your husband needs to seperate his relationship with his stepdad from your son’s. To your son he is grandad.

steppemum · 22/03/2023 09:08

my kids had a step granny, slightly different as Dh's mum died before we met.

We always just called her Granny to the kids.
My FIL married very late too, they were 65 ish, married after my ds was born.

We just saw it as all people who care enough to want to be Granny/Grandad was a good thing

NHStyptypey · 22/03/2023 09:09

In our family step grandparents are just "grandparents"

When i was a kid in the 80s and 90s - I had step grandparents and they treated me like their own grandchildren. I was forever grateful and felt loved by them.

CindyAndTheSaltySnacks · 22/03/2023 09:11

I've never liked my mother's husband. I would never refer to him as my stepfather, he's not "my" anything. My children have never called him granddad. If your husband doesn't have a great relationship with his mother's husband I can understand him having an issue with the Facebook comment.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2023 09:12

Is Paul an involved and positive presence in DS’s life? Or is he a hands off Facebook type?

If it’s the former then tbh I think your DH is being pretty childish and churlish. Paul is happy and proud to be part of DS’s family and that’s a good thing.

stopringingme · 22/03/2023 09:16

When our DD was born we asked my Husbands step mum if she wanted to be called Nanny or by her name.

She is married to Grandad so it just seemed natural as she was in the family before DD was born.

If she had come into our lives after the birth she would not have had a choice and would have been called by her name.

MimiSunshine · 22/03/2023 09:18

It clearly makes your DH feel uncomfortable but he needs to realise that ‘Paul’s’ relationship with your DS is entirely different to his with him.

yes MIL may be pushing it a bit but really what benefit would it do your son to have a distinction made that Paul is not grandad?
It doesn’t reduce the love he has for DHs dad in the way that having a 2nd child doesn’t reduce a parents love for the 1st.

have a gentle word with him and make him realise that his own feelings about Paul and probably even his parents not being together shouldn’t be out on to his son.

Thea91 · 22/03/2023 09:18

My DS has 4 sets of grandparents. He calls my MILs husband Grandad and actually sees him a lot more than his other 2 Grandads. It just came naturally.

I think it depends on your husband's relationship with Paul. For example both mine and my partners Dad's have wife's but my DS doesn't call either of them Nan/Grandma as he doesn't see them enough and it feels a bit odd to me.

twoandcooplease · 22/03/2023 09:24

We lost my grandad last November and he was my step grandad
Married my gran when my mum was 15 and was the only consistent man in my life. He was my favourite person and we were so close
My mums husband is the same to my son as my grandad was to me. Sometimes the family chosen are better than the family you get
If he loves your dc and treats them great that should be all that matters. He isn't going anywhere hopefully

SNWannabe · 22/03/2023 09:28

Your husband is being a bit of an arse tbh. Surely it’s more confusing to have a Granny who isn’t married to grandad and to call him “Paul” seems a little off for a young child to address someone so casual. I’m in the camp of “the more the merrier” as many kids have loads of grandparents as often great grandparents stay the same name for the next generation too (my mum is Nanny for grandchildren and great grandchildren) so my grandkids have erm… 11-12 “grandparents” between step dad and great grandparents still alive…