He's not a grandparent?

[biankss]

Yesterday I took DS to the park, and uploaded some pictures of him onto facebook. In the midst of comments my DH saw a comment from his step-dad saying something along the lines of "My beautiful grandson, whom i love very much". He never really says this, perhaps scared to overstep a boundary. However, MIL always encourages him to call himself grandad or when DS is over she says "go to grandad".

I've really got no opinion on it really, I've seen families where this happens and children have 4 grandparents and they're all very happy, including the biological grandparents. But, I noticed yesterday by DH reaction to the comment he wasn't happy and said something like "My mother really needs to stop telling Paul (not actual name) to say things like this". I could tell he was getting annoyed.

Part of me thinks he's in his right to think this, perhaps he's not comfortable with DS having another grandparent, when DH and his dad have a perfectly good relationship. The other part of me thinks maybe it's not a big deal, but I guess it's also dependent on DH's dad and how he feels in this situation.

I also don't think I should speak on the matter, as it's really none of my concern. I guess just looking for someone's perspective and maybe address with DH to avoid conflict, he's got a bit of a fiery personality, and would hate for there to be a falling out because everyone simply adores our DS.

It completely depends on your DHs relationship with 'Paul'. If he wasn't there when he grew up or was a bit of a twat it's understandable that he doesn't feel he is grandad. Most step parents in my experience make the step children hyper aware of their position, i.e not really their children and therefore it makes thinking of them in a grandparent role upsetting

My mother remarried when I was 33. I had a DC not long after and we discussed that he could be called Poppa Name. She seemed ok with it, but when they came over to meet Dc had written card and a level in gift from mama and grandad. Tbh there is a long backstory and the latest was trying to whitewash her life and erase my dad (SP Adoption who’d helped raise me from a toddler). My bio father was dead at this point. So if there is a big back story I can understand your DHs stance. It was the line in the sand for me and she couldn’t respect it.

Oh and Poppa Name is a bit of a twat so there was that also

Up to you and your family really. DS regards his step- grandparents as the same as his bio grandparents. He’s not treated the same for reasons of geography in one case (they live in Australia as do her bio grandchildren) but that’s not an issue. She texts him messages of support and congratulations so all good.

Whatever you decide, do it soon and discuss it before it blows out of proportion. I’d just get DH to consider that if he says no, he doesn’t want that type of relationship between them, he can’t go back on it if anything changes.

Different situation but thought it might help understand how you can compromise… my grandad passed when I was younger. Actually all of my grandads/great granddads passed by the time I was roughly 13. I am getting married next year and DPs grandads are being given button holes. My Nan has had a long term
boyfriend since I was a teen. They aren’t married and don’t live together but we get his presents on special occasions and vice versa and see him lots. I have never called him grandad and I won’t - he has his own family to do that. But I will be giving him a button hole. Bc I still think of him as my family and he would be there for me if I needed him. Can they maybe call him Grandad name instead? Or a different “pet” name? Ultimately it sounds like they care the for the child so it would be nice if everyone could agree to a compromise. Hard position to be in for you tho as no one’s in the wrong - family’s are complicated!

Children can have loads of grandparents and it doesn't diminish the relationship they have with them. If this person is a permanent fixture in the child's life not someone just passing through, and if he treats the child like he would his biological grandchild then it can only be positive for the child.

I know a family with complicated circumstances where the kids have nine "grandparents" ! Obviously not all biological but all love the kids, buy them presents, care for them etc. I can't see how that can be a bad thing.

Could your DH maybe ask his biological father if he finds it a problem his grandson has an extra grandfather? Most families I know (of) use different names for different grandparents, like one couple is omi&opi, another couple is grandma&grandad or mamie&papie. The only thing that really counts for the child is to be loved 😊

That is a shame that your DH feels like that - but I think he's wrong. Even if DH doesn't have a great relationship with his step father ( maybe he was well an adult before his Mother remarried for example) - your Son IS the SD's Grandson. They don't have to have a full blood relationship. He's married to DH's mother. I have 4 Grandsons - and one of them is a step grandson but I have always called him my Grandson and will continue to do so even although he is now an adult

My parents divorced and remarried. My dad when I was an adult and my mum when i was a child. We refer to them all as grandparents but with different gp names. Like nanny, nanna, granny etc. My mum actually also died before my kids were born so she is referred to as Nanny (name) but obviously they don't actually know her, just when we talk about her. My stepdad has himself got a new partner and she is just referred to by name. But that's mainly because while she loves them I think she feels uncomfortable "muscling in" on my mum's role.
I guess it depends on what your dh is happy with but if the stepgd has a different name to the one his dad chose would that help? I feel it might help him have a closer bond with your child.
Even if its not a real word like grampy or pops or something maybe?

he's got a bit of a fiery personality

What exactly does that mean?

This. DHs decision only. But, say to DH it’s very difficult when he’s not around to stop his mum referencing grandad and you managing that with dc. He has to resolve it

I can understand it a bit- as much as I love her, it always grates on me to hear my sil refer to my dead mum as “ mum”, no idea why…never say anything …it’s twenty years so just tell myself don’t be a pratt

woiuld he consider another option they could use to be different enough , like gramps, or pops ? Might that be just a bit less jarring but still acceptable to his mum and her partner

@jenjenlinks then maybe the OP and her H need to have that conversation with his mother...

Means he can be nasty.

My father in law is my partner’s step-dad and all the kids call him Granda. We all love the bones of him. My MIL died a few years ago and I know he was worried as they weren’t married and he’s not blood related but he’s family. My daughter (5) has no idea he’s ‘step’, he’s just Granda. I think it depends on your DH relationship and obviously his feelings are valid, but personally I think the more people that love and have a connection with my kids, the better. Blood related or not x

My MIL was widowed and remarried in middle age. All her children had left home. When we had children he was Grandad to our children and played that role as you would expect. His own daughter has children and MIL is Nana to her.
I think the general rule seems to be the age of the children. If 'grandad' or 'nan' were around when children were born or young I'd imagine most people would call their OH a grandparent. I guess it can be tricky if a now grown parent has a tricky relationship with step parent. Often they seem angry that their child has a loving relationship when they never felt that same love as a child.
I also think divorced parents of grown children should butt out. If baby has nana 1 plus grandads 2nd wife as nana 2 so be it.
Ultimately I think its up to the parents what the step is called. If your OH isn't happy I think he needs to own it and speak up, not make passive aggressive snipes (yes, you've not said he has) or moan. Have an adult conversation.

My “grandpa” was actually my step-grandpa. I didn’t even realise until I was in my teens and finally wondered/asked why my dad always called him by his first name instead of “dad”. He wasn’t raised by his mother or stepfather at all, did not have a good relationship with his stepdad (cordial around each other but there is deep seated resentment / rejection there) but at some point he must have made the decision to “let it go” when me and my siblings came along.

Grandpa was just grandpa to me. He adored us, saved up his coupons to buy us lovely gifts and never treated us any differently from his bio grandchildren (my cousins) -hence why I had zero inkling that we weren’t blood related even though we had different surnames. I was heartbroken when he passed away very suddenly and sobbed all through the funeral. He was the first grandparent I lost.

So from a child’s perspective, I think it would have possibly hurt me / made me feel awkward if I’d grown up calling him by his first name and his “real” grandchildren calling him grandpa. Or maybe it wouldn’t have because I wouldn’t know any different. Kids just go with what they know -like me not joining the dots with the surnames thing. I think it depends on the kind of relationship your husband wants his child to have with his stepfather or if he had his own dad. My father didn’t have a dad at all so there was no existing relationship potentially being overshadowed by “grandpa”.

The only grandparent I have left is my step gran, I just call her gran, we're very close. She also had biological grandchildren and other step grandchild and has good relationships with all, but we're probably closest and always have been.
It's there some history of 'paul' trying to act like your DHs dad when he isn't, that he resents? It's the only reason I can think of for the reaction

My Mil found herself a married man and shacked up with him when my husband was in his thirties. This man is not a step-father in any way to my husband. When we had our first baby, we received a card from Granny and Grandad. Granny was told in no uncertain terms that our baby had two grandads and that her (creepy) bloke is Dave.

So I’m with your husband!

@Picklewicklepickle so do you think you can only be called a grandparent if you were a mum/dad to the now adult child? If let's say Mum and Dad divotce at 12. Dad's remains on the scene. Mum meets Steve and they marry when you're 15. You call him Steve. He's OK and good to Mum but he's not your dad. ....you then grow up and have children of your own. Would they call mums husband Grandad or Steve (coz that's what you call him)? My children have a similar situation and 'Steve' is Grandad. He's been there from day 1 and loves their Nan dearly.

I do think it depends on how long Paul has been in DH’s life and what sort of relationship they have. (Sorry not read all the updates in case you’ve already mentioned).

My biological father hasn’t been in my daughter’s life since she was 18 months (we’re estranged) so she can’t remember him. My stepdad (who I consider my dad) has always been Grandad to her and my eldest son, even when the other was still around and then to my youngest too. They all have such a fantastic relationship with him. When my daughter was old enough to understand and I told her about the biological one I broke my heart beforehand. Luckily she was ok about it all and said ‘he’s always my grandad, nothing can change that’. My youngest son has never met the biological one and doesn’t know about him yet.

Likewise, my in laws have always been ‘nana and grandad’ to my eldest who was 10 when we became part of their family 18 years ago. And my eldest proudly helped carry his ‘grandad’s’ coffin at his funeral recently.

My eldest is hoping to have children in the next few years and his dad has a new partner. Now, if they’d just got together when it happened, I think it might be a bit soon to call her ‘grandparent’ (not that I’d interfere if that happened, I just wouldn’t do it myself), but as time went on, I think it would be lovely. Kids can never have too much love. And with mixed families being so common nowadays, the more grandparents, the merrier!

I always called my step grandparents grandma and grandad too.

I think this is a really hurtful way to look at families, that only blood can be family.. That won't make a difference to your son as long as they love him & treat him well! I was close to all my grandparents, 3 sets & didn't even know my grandad was a step grandad until I was older, it really wouldn't have mattered!
Does your Dh not get along with his step dad? To have that kind of reaction feels like there's some animosity there... My kids have 2 nannies, 1 stepnan, 2 grandads, 2 step grandads and they started referring to my partners (their stepdad) parents as their nanny & grandad on their own... They are all grandparents to my kids, some they are closer to because they make more of an effort to make a bond with them, surprisingly it's not the blood grandparents!

I was just giving my example, all relationships are different. In fact in my example DH has only ever called him “Bob”, he’s not a Dad figure to DH but DC call him Grandad and he is very much a grandparent.

I think if he’s been with your MIL since before your child was born or was very little, it’s normal. It’s about how the child sees him at the end of the day. People talk about their Aunts and Uncles when the Uncle is the wife of their blood Aunt and vice versa and no one bats an eyelid about this. I don’t consider my dad’s wife my step mum, she’s his wife - don’t like her that much tbh, but to DD she’s her grandma and that’s fine. The more people she has in her life who love her, the better.

I suppose its up to your husband really but I think it's quite sad he's reacted like that. Are there issues between him and his step dad? Or has he not been in his life that long?

My daughter has 3 grandads, one of which is DHs SD and she adores him. I'd be quite sad if DH didn't want her to call his SD grandad