He's not a grandparent?

[biankss]

Yesterday I took DS to the park, and uploaded some pictures of him onto facebook. In the midst of comments my DH saw a comment from his step-dad saying something along the lines of "My beautiful grandson, whom i love very much". He never really says this, perhaps scared to overstep a boundary. However, MIL always encourages him to call himself grandad or when DS is over she says "go to grandad".

I've really got no opinion on it really, I've seen families where this happens and children have 4 grandparents and they're all very happy, including the biological grandparents. But, I noticed yesterday by DH reaction to the comment he wasn't happy and said something like "My mother really needs to stop telling Paul (not actual name) to say things like this". I could tell he was getting annoyed.

Part of me thinks he's in his right to think this, perhaps he's not comfortable with DS having another grandparent, when DH and his dad have a perfectly good relationship. The other part of me thinks maybe it's not a big deal, but I guess it's also dependent on DH's dad and how he feels in this situation.

I also don't think I should speak on the matter, as it's really none of my concern. I guess just looking for someone's perspective and maybe address with DH to avoid conflict, he's got a bit of a fiery personality, and would hate for there to be a falling out because everyone simply adores our DS.

My dh’s parents have both remarried but they’re not our dc’s grandparents, in the same way they aren’t dh’s step-parent, they just happen to be married to his parents. They have no parenting role at all so don’t get to call themselves that. Keeping the boundaries has been tricky at times especially with mil as she tried with the ‘grandpa’ thing for a long time but we’ve been very clear it wasn’t appropriate. So I’m with your DH on this one.

If he is involved in your sons life then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. The more people there for DS the better surely?

My husbands step-dad was in no way any sort of 'dad' to him. My husband was an adult when his mum met step-dad. Step dad was only 12 years older than my husband.

BUT: he was married to Granny when DD was born, and he was the best Grampy a kid could ask for. He died (young) last year and we are so lucky that DD got the time she had with him.

I don't think the grandparent relationship is dependent on the parent relationship.

Your DH is being unreasonable

Both of my parents are remarried and both of their spouses are grandma and grandad. The kid will know the difference when they're old enough. But they're family... unless DH doesn't think his parents should treat you as family? As you also married in.

I really think your DH needs to give his head a wobble! My nephew (6) hasn't had ANY grandparents for the last 2 years! He won't remember any of them when he grows up, only from photos. My Dsis is slso a single parent and he is an only child ( & we live 140 miles away from them) his only cousins (my kids) are 15 & 19 so there's a massive age-gap. Any child who has lots of family/grandparents should count themselves VERY lucky & stop morning imo!

*moaning

My aunty has grandchildren and great grandchildren, both step and biological and she treats them all the same and doesn't differentiate between them. Her son has 2 step daughters who were very young when he met their mother and then had a son with her. They lived with my aunty for a year or so and the girls (now adults in late 20s) definitely consider her their nanny although their mother is no longer with him.

In lots of cultures relatives of a certain age are called grandad or grandma. Dh is greek and I used to be confused when he'd talk about his papou Christos as Christos was actually his great uncle. It was a mark of respect. Would your dh want ds to call Paul 'Paul'? I'm of an age that that seems too familiar for a child to call a much older adult.

I can see why he feels as he does but this isn’t about him it’s about his DS. Does his DS call this man grandad? If he does then I think it’s more harmful to be rejected and told you’re not a real grandson so don’t call me that. It can be hard for parents to get heir head around things but your DH needs to remember that kids don’t choose to be involved in these situations and they should do what’s comfortable for them unless there’s a specific reason they shouldn’t.

I have a step granddaughter and she is too young to know about step families.

I'm just one of her three nans.

I'm sure her biological nans don't see me as her real Nan but I see her as my granddaughter and she sees me as her Nan. I'm not bothered what anyone else thinks. As she gets older she will understand and I doubt it will make any difference.

I say that as I have a step dad and he's just my dad. His mum accepted me and loved me as her granddaughter when I was four. She was just my Nan.

I think your DH is wrong on this one. It's just splitting hairs.

Your Ds is loved! And his step grandad is proud and wants to tell everyone so. How is that anything to be upset about?! It should be celebrated and cherished really,

My stepdad has been in my life for over 30 years and although me and my sister's call him by his first name, my DS calls him Papa. He is also my DS's only proper grandad as I am estranged from my biological dad and my DP's dad is also out of the picture. My DP's DM has a boyfriend but as they've only been together a few years, my DS calls him by his first name.

My son and his partner were clear that my DH, sons step father, was not granddad. The children got older and they decided that was what he was and were puzzled that they weren't supposed to call him that. They said when they talked about things we were doing they always referred to him as granddad to their friends.

Kids eventually make their own decisions and I felt it was unfair that they had to hide their relationship with him.

As far as I'm concerned the more people my children/grandchildren have that love them the better. My kids always called my step father granddad, I never really got on with him but he had a good relationship with them and that was their relationship not mine.

Look, if you think you love someone more or less because of what name you call them, you're all cracked.
If Paul decides not to be as nice to the kid because he's called Paul and not Grandpa, he's a dick anyway. And the kid doesn't care what he calls the person he loves and has fun with, unless other people make a fuss about it. I doubt he's an idiot who can't understand that Grannys husband is a great adult who loves him but isn't called Grandad because he's not a grandad.

Why so much fuss?

That's great except my GC wanted to call my DH granddad but their parents didn't let them. Didn't change their relationship, didn't mean my husband treated them differently but the children wanted to call him granddad and as I said above they told me that was how they always referred to him to friends but they had to remember not to in front of parents. Why do that to kids?

Would your husband really prefer for Paul to have said “My wife’s beautiful grandson, whom i love very much”?

I called my step grandad Uncle.

It's the meaning behind being asked not to use the name. If you make a point of saying to someone "I don't want you to be considered grandad so I don't want you using that name" it wouldn't be unreasonable of them to not see your kids as their grandkids, as a result.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not calling step parents grandparents but it's highly hypocritical to them kick off when they don't consider the child their GC as so many on here do.

My DSS calls my mum Nana - he has grandparents both side but adores my Mum as well and it was very natural. My DP has no issue with it and loves that my Mum loves his son so much. I can see why if someone doesn’t like it then it’d cause issues but if he loves his son and is nice to him I don’t see a problem.

My kids adore my stepdad and he’s just as much of a grandparent as my mum and my father in law. My kids started with 5 grandparents and now they’re down to 3. Having an extra grandparent is a blended family bonus, I feel really lucky to have him.

They're not the same people, obviously. Theres no hypocrisy

I had a step grandad, I called him grandad. My father wasn't close to him at all and the relationship became very hostile after my grandmother's death. ( classic step parent will situation, learn from this and never re marry!). But he was a good grandad and what else would I have called him? I think it was actually my grandmother who made a point from quite a young age of clarifying he was not my real grandfather. Interesting dynamics occur in remarriage situations though and it's not ideal but as long as the child is loved and cared for does it matter what they call each person representing a grandparent?
My children don't have any grandfather's at all and sadly have no concept of having a grandparent set with a grandma and grandad. They do notice and my DD is rather fascinated by her friends having these grandad people in their lives.
Your son is very lucky to have people who care about him, maybe look at a compromise on the name Grand John etc so everyone is happy. But please let your son enjoy a set of grandparents.

This! Some people can’t win.

It's ridiculous to suggest that its either one or the other, it so petty.

If hes the kind of man who would be "fine, if I'm not called Grandad I will ignore this child I say I love and lavish my others instead", then you don't want him around your child at all, do you?