Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's not a grandparent?

157 replies

biankss · 22/03/2023 08:42

Yesterday I took DS to the park, and uploaded some pictures of him onto facebook. In the midst of comments my DH saw a comment from his step-dad saying something along the lines of "My beautiful grandson, whom i love very much". He never really says this, perhaps scared to overstep a boundary. However, MIL always encourages him to call himself grandad or when DS is over she says "go to grandad".

I've really got no opinion on it really, I've seen families where this happens and children have 4 grandparents and they're all very happy, including the biological grandparents. But, I noticed yesterday by DH reaction to the comment he wasn't happy and said something like "My mother really needs to stop telling Paul (not actual name) to say things like this". I could tell he was getting annoyed.

Part of me thinks he's in his right to think this, perhaps he's not comfortable with DS having another grandparent, when DH and his dad have a perfectly good relationship. The other part of me thinks maybe it's not a big deal, but I guess it's also dependent on DH's dad and how he feels in this situation.

I also don't think I should speak on the matter, as it's really none of my concern. I guess just looking for someone's perspective and maybe address with DH to avoid conflict, he's got a bit of a fiery personality, and would hate for there to be a falling out because everyone simply adores our DS.

OP posts:
Viewfrommyhouse · 22/03/2023 12:04

My DM got remarried 6 years ago. My Ddad is still very much alive and well. DS is 7yo and my DMs husband is called Grandad - they adore each other, they have a lovely relationship. My Ddad has no problem with it. I also had a 'step' grandad whilst my bio grandad was alive. No problems there either. Your dh is being a bit of a wally imo.

AuntieMarys · 22/03/2023 12:13

I am a step grandmother and am just called Mary. The children have 2 other grandmothers. When they were born, I just said what I preferred to be called.
Up to your dh to sort it out.

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 12:31

Viewfrommyhouse · 22/03/2023 12:04

My DM got remarried 6 years ago. My Ddad is still very much alive and well. DS is 7yo and my DMs husband is called Grandad - they adore each other, they have a lovely relationship. My Ddad has no problem with it. I also had a 'step' grandad whilst my bio grandad was alive. No problems there either. Your dh is being a bit of a wally imo.

YOU have it one way so any one who is different to you is "a wally"?

How very self absorbed.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 12:40

YOU have it one way so any one who is different to you is "a wally"?

That's not what she said though, is it.

Your child can have an extra grandfather without you having an extra father.

mondaytosunday · 22/03/2023 12:46

Really kids need as much love as possible.
My mil is the only blood relative of that generation still living. But I mostly talk to her husband, my late husband's step dad. He loves my kids as much as if they were his blood. And frankly I'm totally happy with that.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2023 12:50

What is your sons actual relationship like with "Paul" and his paternal GF? How long have MIL and Paul been together? What is your DHs relationship with Paul?

6 weeks, I think it's too much. Since DH was 6 months, I think your DH is being a bit silly.

Could DS be encouraged to call hi something else, like Uncle Paul or GrandadPaul vs just Grnadad who's DHs Dad?

Viewfrommyhouse · 22/03/2023 12:53

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 12:40

YOU have it one way so any one who is different to you is "a wally"?

That's not what she said though, is it.

Your child can have an extra grandfather without you having an extra father.

Exactly. I don't consider my DMs DH my step dad, as much as I love him. But he'll always be DS' grandad - he treats ruins him the same as his other bio grandchildren. That's the nature of their relationship and I don't understand how anyone can have a problem with it.

mindutopia · 22/03/2023 13:10

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect 'grandparents' (biological or not) to respect boundaries around children. If your dh is uncomfortable with his mum's partner calling himself 'grandpa', then that's okay and it's something that should have been discussed from the outset. As he literally isn't his grandpa.

Now we don't have relationships with either of our mum's partners (for good reason). But back when we did, they were called by their name ('Bob') or sometimes they might sign a card 'Grandpa Bob' but they were never Grandpa and they never considered our dc their 'grandchildren'. We just didn't have that sort of relationship.

Justmeandthedog1 · 22/03/2023 13:47

Is Paul a nice guy?
Has he knows your ds a number of years?
Is your son happy being called Paul’s grandson?

If yes to above then he’s ok to be step grandad and your DH needs to become an adult and speak to Paul if he’s unhappy.

Spanielsarepainless · 22/03/2023 14:04

I don't think there is one way for everyone. But every thread on MN about step-parenting says that step -children should be treated as bio children by step-parents. Now a step-grandfather wants to do the same for his generation. FWIW my step -grandchildren have only ever called me by my Christian name.

Maray1967 · 22/03/2023 14:17

Both my DC and my DNs call my step mum Nan - DM died years ago and both my DB & I are happy with this - I suggested it, not DF or DSM, and DB followed suit.

girlfriend44 · 22/03/2023 14:40

pathetic to worry about this. Just be pleased all these people love your son.

LlamaFace19 · 22/03/2023 14:46

DHs stepdad is very present in our DCs lives (in fact they see him more than their two biological grandfathers!). He treats them exactly the same as his biological grandchildren and DC adore him. I think it's wonderful your children have another loving grandparent figure.

Northernparent68 · 22/03/2023 15:21

people are being harsh on the op’s husband.

he’s not stopping his son knowing his mother’s husband, he just doesn’t want him to call himself grandad.

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 15:26

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 12:40

YOU have it one way so any one who is different to you is "a wally"?

That's not what she said though, is it.

Your child can have an extra grandfather without you having an extra father.

That is precisely what she said.

And no, you can't really. Your paternal grandfather is your fathers father. He is not the fathers father. He is not the grandfather.

IF the adults and child are happy for him to be a bonus grandfather, that's great. If they are not, they is not one.

Really failing to see how people are so confused by this. You don't get to decide you are a grandparent when you are not in fact a grandparent, unless invited to do so.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 15:31

@jenjenlinks he hasn't decided he's a grandparent. The OP's MIL has and nobody's corrected him.

The man loves his wife's grandson. Where's the harm in him calling him grandad if everyone's happy (except the OP's husband whose reasoning the OP hasn't explained)?

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 15:45

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 15:31

@jenjenlinks he hasn't decided he's a grandparent. The OP's MIL has and nobody's corrected him.

The man loves his wife's grandson. Where's the harm in him calling him grandad if everyone's happy (except the OP's husband whose reasoning the OP hasn't explained)?

The literal point of the OP is that he wrote "my beautiful grandson.." on his social media.
Helps to check you have the point before disagreeing.

The harm is that the childs father is not in agreement. He doesn't have to be. I know everyone likes to pretend that blended families are nothing but sunshine and rainbows, but people have complicated feelings. Lots of people are very uncomfortable with non-bio family members assuming names that are not theirs to assume.

You wouldn't (one hopes) tell a person he has to call his stepfather Dad. So you shouldn't dream of telling someone he has to call his stepfather Grandad either.

NalafromtheLionKing · 22/03/2023 15:50

I would personally overlook it, especially as everyone has (or had) four grandparents so adding another isn’t taking anything away from bio grandparents. DC is likely to get less special treatment if this is made an issue.

How much it will jar will likely depend upon the length of the relationship eg if Paul married Grandma last week, calling himself a grandparent may be a bit 🙄

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 16:48

@jenjenlinks yes he called the child his grandson because OP's mother in law has been encouraging it.

Nobody's forcing the child to call him grandad, except the same MIL who nobody's corrected.

BridieConvert · 22/03/2023 17:29

My mum married her husband when I was an adult so I have never referred to him as a stepdad. However he has been in my daughters life since birth and is the only grandad they know. He passed away yesterday and he was and always will be my kids grandad.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 22/03/2023 17:41

My DC has 3 grandpas and 3 grandmas…. I would never assume otherwise, they all adore the grandkids, and it’s normal
for us. and even tho I don’t consider DMs and DFs partners as my DSPs it’s still very okay.

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 17:50

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 16:48

@jenjenlinks yes he called the child his grandson because OP's mother in law has been encouraging it.

Nobody's forcing the child to call him grandad, except the same MIL who nobody's corrected.

It doesn't matter who encourages it, he is not the grandfather, and should not have taken it upon himself to call himself that on social media.

The parents of a child get to decide who can play grandparent to that child. No-one else, just the parents. And one of the parents here at least has said NO. End of story.

YOU or anyone else cannot make that decision for another family.

Soontobe60 · 22/03/2023 17:50

My grandchildren (under 5) have 3 grandmas and 3 grandpas. My DH is my DDs stepfather, she calls him by his first name but she always refers to him as ‘grandpa’ to her children. DDs father, my ex, recently remarried and his wife is called Granny.
Your DH is being a bit meh.

jenjenlinks · 22/03/2023 17:52

How are so many people unable to see that because a set up works for them, other people may not have the same feelings on it.

It's just so narcissitic. "I do this so theres something wrong with you because you don't",it runs through so many threads and is self-absorbed and rather dimwitted, to boot.

Whooyou · 22/03/2023 17:54

My granddaughter adores her step GD. And he adores her not having children himself, and she is a great bond between us too. I can't imagine trying to explain the ins and outs of adult relationships to her, and I don't want to! She is lucky to have 6 GPs who all love her

Swipe left for the next trending thread