He's not a grandparent?

[biankss]

Yesterday I took DS to the park, and uploaded some pictures of him onto facebook. In the midst of comments my DH saw a comment from his step-dad saying something along the lines of "My beautiful grandson, whom i love very much". He never really says this, perhaps scared to overstep a boundary. However, MIL always encourages him to call himself grandad or when DS is over she says "go to grandad".

I've really got no opinion on it really, I've seen families where this happens and children have 4 grandparents and they're all very happy, including the biological grandparents. But, I noticed yesterday by DH reaction to the comment he wasn't happy and said something like "My mother really needs to stop telling Paul (not actual name) to say things like this". I could tell he was getting annoyed.

Part of me thinks he's in his right to think this, perhaps he's not comfortable with DS having another grandparent, when DH and his dad have a perfectly good relationship. The other part of me thinks maybe it's not a big deal, but I guess it's also dependent on DH's dad and how he feels in this situation.

I also don't think I should speak on the matter, as it's really none of my concern. I guess just looking for someone's perspective and maybe address with DH to avoid conflict, he's got a bit of a fiery personality, and would hate for there to be a falling out because everyone simply adores our DS.

I think it's harsh tbh, but depends on how long Paul has been around. I have 2 SCs - since they were 2 and 6 - and I'd be gutted if they reacted like this.

If its his mums boyfriend who she's been seeing for 6 months then it's not OK. If he's been part of the family for many years then I see no problem with him being grandad. As pp's have mentioned above, lots of posters complaining that the step grandchildren are treated differently!!

My children call my MIL's husband grandad. He is so lovely and such a great grandad to them. He treats my husband like his son too. It would be strange to me for my children to call him by his name as he is such a huge part of their lives.

Saying that though, my FIL has also re-married and my children don't call her granny. But that's because she has no involvement in their lives whatsoever and has only met them once. She never comes with FIL to visit us or see our children so I wouldn't allow them to call her granny.

On another thread, a MIL is being (rightly) roasted because she expects her DIL to sign her mothers day card. Lots of "but you're not her mother!" posts.

If DH doesn't see his stepdad as his father, that translates to him not seeing step dad as his children's grandfather either. And it's okay for him to feel that way.

The trouble is that there wasn't a conversation about names when the baby was born or OP was pregnant. It's too late now to address it without causing hurt to both his mum and stepdad.

So your DH is getting annoyed that someone loves and cares about your DC. He needs to get some perspective and get a grip. How lucky your DC is to be loved by so many people

@saraclara

If DH doesn't see his stepdad as his father, that translates to him not seeing step dad as his children's grandfather either. And it's okay for him to feel that way.

I don't agree with that either. My Dad died a few years ago. If my Mum remarried I wouldn't see the bloke as my father and it would hurt to hear my children calling him Grandad, BUT if he was nice & would be a good grandad to them I'd be fine with them calling him Grandad (but I'd use a slightly different title (pops/grandpa or whatever) to ease my pain a little.

you need to put the children first, not the adult

@biankss ^^this is why I think your DH is wrong, he should have said, 'well we have Grandad already, so let's say 'Grandpa' instead Mum. Or Grandad 'relevant fact'

kilked me when my exes nieces and nephews started calling his mum Nana Trout! She was a completely nasty bitch, and the title was as fitting as you could allow!! But actually it was because they lived near a trout farm! Still made me smile!!

On another thread, a MIL is being (rightly) roasted because she expects her DIL to sign her mothers day card. Lots of "but you're not her mother!" posts. sooo not the same!
It's normal isn't it for a long term live in partner or husband of the grandparent to be called grandparent? They are a grandparent by marriage not blood, which is same as calling the wife of an uncle your aunt. You don't have to be blood to be family. Unless there is a back story of step dad being unpleasant, then its lovely, and how its should be, that he looks at your ds the same way as his blood gc.

My husbands grandchildren call me by my name (I'm too young to be a nan yet!) but when at a family meal we heard their Nan calling her husband 'grandad name', which DH found a bit weird. I would say it is up to you and your DH what your children call him, what is DH's relationship like with Paul?

I think your DH isn’t thinking about his children but about his own feelings here and it might do no harm to suggest he tries to look at this from his children’s point of view.

Being honest, I have a better relationship with the DGC who has always known me as Granny than the one who was told by oldest step DC to call me by my name and sends cards to Granddad and Julie (not real name). It’s sad but I think the child has picked up on this difference and is afraid to hurt their parent’s feelings.

Step DC’s mum died years before their dad and I met so she’s not pushing this agenda.

I actually used to feel closer to oldest SDC but I think younger SDC’s partner has taken the lead here as she has divorced/remarried parents so already has two other sets of grand/parents on her side and is keen to treat us all equally. Her mum wanted to be known as Nanny so I said Granny or Grandma is fine with me.

I think your DHs opinion is the only important one here. He doesn't like it. He needs to speak to his Mum.

My dad’s wife (they married when I was an adult so I’ve never thought of her as my step mum) is known as ‘Granny (her name)’ to my kids. I’ve never thought anything of it.

If DH doesn't see his stepdad as his father, that translates to him not seeing step dad as his children's grandfather either. And it's okay for him to feel that way.

It's OK for him to feel that way, but he doesn't get the final say imo. My mum never saw her step dad as a father figure, always called him by his name and declined his offer of adoption but she allowed me to define my own relationship with him. He was my Grandfather in every way that mattered. My mother's brothers took the same approach and my cousins also saw him as their Grandfather. We all adored him and him us.

I would say whether they are or aren’t called a grandparent is entirely down to the parents and should always come from them first, not be assumed that they are. In my situation my husband effectively has a step mum and step dad although has never called them that as they weren’t with his parents when he was young. Both sets just assumed the step person would be referred to as a grandparent which I feel is crossing a bit of a line. I feel like if they’d asked we’d maybe then say yeah whatever but just to assume feels a bit wrong. It wasn’t until my friend, who’s in the same set up, had a baby and said they don’t call the step people grandparents that I realised how much it was strange that they’d just assumed. We’ve never referred to them as that and on one side I don’t mind it so much but with his mum’s partner I really grudge it as he does absolutely nothing with DS to act like a grandparent so I don’t really see why we should be calling him one 🙈 I’ve taken to just saying his name when talking to my son if they’re both there, to highlight that’s what he’s called

I think a good bond with a grandparent (or any older person) is a wonderful thing for a child - so the more the merrier! Unless there's some big back-story and your DH step-dad is actually a monster, I don't see why your son can't have an "extra" grandparent. You can't be loved too much.

Strictly speaking, my husband is a step-grandad but we've been married since before our grand-daughters were born and as far as they're concerned he's just their grandad. They're actually much closer to him than to their biological grandad as we have always done childcare for them which my ex has chosen to never do.
Does your husband realise that your children will only benefit from having MORE loving people in their life?

I think this is quite normal at GP / GC level. The GC are initially too small to understand so they are just granny and grandad and by the time they are older it has stuck.

I wouldn't have called my step parents on each side anything other than their first names (plus the odd unkind word) but to my kids they were always granny and grandad. My step dad treated all his grandchildren the same whether blood relatives or not. My step mum less so but not worth making a fuss about.

I think it's harsh tbh, but depends on how long Paul has been around.

I think this is key, really. My MiL has been with her partner for 3 years so he's just the man she lives with to us. I've met him maybe 8 times. When DD was born she tried to push 'Grandad Charles' but we just kept using his first name and she gave up.

My dad's wife is not called a grandparent name. My children adore her regardless of a title. The kids would refer to them as their grandparents. My step mom would refer to the kids as her grandchildren which is fine by me.
Children aren't confused if people have titles or not.
For those of us who have step parents our relationships can be complicated. We can have worked through it or not. It can take a life time to do so. It's okay for your husband to not want your son to actually call 'Paul' grand-anything.

A child never suffers from having more people who love them.

I think you need to establish why your DH feels that way. Does he have complicated feelings about how his step-dad became his stepdad? (like an affair). Does he feel like he is betraying his own dad by accepting his step-dad?
Does he not like his step-dad? If not, why?
He could have very real reasons for it.
I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable.

My parents and DH’s parents are divorced. My DCs have seven grandparents as a result - they see them all regularly and love them all. My DH’s stepdad and my DH’s stepmum both have biological grandchildren - they don’t treat my DCs as “less than”. As someone said, he can’t have his cake and eat it too, would he be happy if his stepdad treated your child as lesser than his biological grandchildren? He loves your child - having a problem with that is only going to hurt your child. Who would benefit from that attitude?

Growing up my nan was with my 'gampy' they've never married he's amazing and put more effort into the relationship with me and my brother than our actual granddad ever did.
My aunts/uncles never encouraged a relationship with him they called him by his first name ect their kids missed out and don't have as much of a relationship with them now.

If your dp is that worried about him being called grandad pick a new name for him
Gampy was called that because I couldn't pronounce grandpa and it stuck

My stepmum has always been 'granny' to our dc, she's been in my life 36 years and my dc since they were born. The only one who had a problem with that was my mum, but she was firmly reminded that her issues were her own and GRANNY was the only way the gc had ever known my stepmum. We don't use 'step' when referring to grandchildren or grandparents.

I suppose it reflects more on the relationship between your dh and his stepdad. If he doesn't want stepdad to use that term then he needs a quiet word with his mum, and THEY BOTH need to respect your dhs wishes as the parent of the (s) gc.

Completely normal for step grandparents to go by their name only, also completely normal to be called grandma /grandad.

I personally think parents should be asked by grandparents. MIL partner, who to be fair I cannot stand, is refered to as a grandad type name. I wasnt asked, he isnt a grandfather to him and should they break up, we will never see him again. I am annoyed I wasnt given a chance to veto. DH doesnt want to upset his mum.

On the other hand, my step mum is nanny. But they are married and should they split up, I would still see her as would my kids.

This. If there's any chance this is how he would act, then he really needs to wind his neck in here.