He's not a grandparent?

[biankss]

Yesterday I took DS to the park, and uploaded some pictures of him onto facebook. In the midst of comments my DH saw a comment from his step-dad saying something along the lines of "My beautiful grandson, whom i love very much". He never really says this, perhaps scared to overstep a boundary. However, MIL always encourages him to call himself grandad or when DS is over she says "go to grandad".

I've really got no opinion on it really, I've seen families where this happens and children have 4 grandparents and they're all very happy, including the biological grandparents. But, I noticed yesterday by DH reaction to the comment he wasn't happy and said something like "My mother really needs to stop telling Paul (not actual name) to say things like this". I could tell he was getting annoyed.

Part of me thinks he's in his right to think this, perhaps he's not comfortable with DS having another grandparent, when DH and his dad have a perfectly good relationship. The other part of me thinks maybe it's not a big deal, but I guess it's also dependent on DH's dad and how he feels in this situation.

I also don't think I should speak on the matter, as it's really none of my concern. I guess just looking for someone's perspective and maybe address with DH to avoid conflict, he's got a bit of a fiery personality, and would hate for there to be a falling out because everyone simply adores our DS.

My kids have a step-grandad and I suppose for me it's a bit more sensitive as my dad died when I was 16. My parents were childhood sweethearts and happily married at the time of my dads death. My mum remarried 3 years later. My kids never met my dad but know lots about him. My SD treats my kids as his own grandchildren and they call him gdad. It actually fills me with joy that he behaves this way as it's not overbearing but genuine love. However, I don't call my SD, dad. I call him by his name but acknowledge that he has been a father figure to me during my adult years X

Your husband should try to view his own relationship with his stepdad as being separate from your son's relationship with the stepdad/grandad. Your husband doesn't need to see him as a father figure for your son to be able to see him as a grandfather. The two relationships are separate.

The fact is, he is a grandfather to your son, he's presumably been around since birth, is married or partnered with the grandmother, and from the facebook comment, clearly loves him. That doesn't take anything away from your husband's father. The more people who love a child, the better!

@RudsyFarmer thats what I would assume aswell.

I had a wonderful gorgeous step grandmother, much lovelier and kinder than my real one. She was a beautiful, kind Dutch lady. I loved being around her. In a world with so much hate and friction, why not let the stepfather be a loving grandfather to a small child? I mean technically he is. How wonderful if the little one can have 5 grandparents and not just 4.
There are plenty of cultures where people are liberally called uncle, auntie or granny as a general designation.

It's up to him how he sees it his relationship with Paul but if your little one has the role of grandad filled by two different people is that such a bad thing? We have the same set up, my husbands parents are both married to other people and I love how many people my little one has to love her, her step grandad absolutely dotes on her and watching their relationship develop is my favourite thing.

Son in law's mother remarried so dgd has a 'Grandad X' whom she's known all her life. Technically a step-grandad. Her other grandad, 'Grandad Y' is my father, her great grandfather.

I think the title of the primary carers is important, less so of other family members. I've introduced a number of people to my kids as uncle/aunt (including their godfather/godmother, work colleagues, friends...) - it's a way of telling them this person can be trusted.

I think if Paul is happy to consider the child as a grandchild, and the child has a good relationship with Paul, it's totally fine.

If your husband has a problem with it he should :
1- think about why exactly it's a problem for him
2 - either deal with it or communicate effectively with his mom about it
3 - if he asks her to tell Paul to stop he should be ready for some feelings to be hurt, rightly or wrongly and no matter how nicely he asks.

I grew up with 3 sets of grandparents, my mum's parents divorced and remarried before I was born. So I technically had a step grandmother and a step grandfather but just called them nana/grandad. I think this would only be an issue if your husband doesn't get along with his mum's partner. Otherwise I can't see the problem.

Exactly. He isn't your DH's dad, and he isn't your childs grandfather. It's fine when people feel like steps are the same as non steps, but its also fine when they don't.

If everyone else is insisting he is grandfather, and your DH isn't ok with that, it's not on. The rest of you don't get to create his reality.

I'm of the view that the more people that love a child the better. It's always a good thing I think to have positive role models in a child's life.

There's no right or wrong to this - if your DH doesn't like it then his step-dad should respect his wishes first and foremost, but if they get on otherwise it seems a bit churlish.

Your husbands being daft, IMO.
How long have the been married and does your DH get along with him?

I think it's strange you haven't established what step parents are called when you have children. I have a step mum and step dad. My children call them by their names so grandad and Sarah for example. Nana and John. Obviously not real names. As it happens John is far more of a 'grandad' figure than DC grandad but that's a whole other story. He was more of a father to me but I never called him dad. You need to establish what you're going with and stick to it

My stepgrandfather was a FAR better Grandad than my blood related Grandfather.
My SGF showed up time and again when my "real" grandparents didn't. He was one of my biggest cheerleaders and adored my children.

My mother took a similar view to OP's husband in that he had no place calling himself a Grandad because she felt disloyal to her Dad I suppose.

My kids now have a Step Grandma as well as their 2 Grandmas and a Grandad. As far as I am concerned, if my StepMum treats us with love as she does, then she is earning the moniker of Grandma and the more positive relationships my kids have, the better

I think it's fine to still be called granddad even if someone doesn't see their step-parent as a parent.

For many children, their 'grandparents' have been there, together, their whole lives and there is no difference between their nanny by blood one one side and then their nanny by marriage on the other - they don't know. If they have loving relationships with the children then it seems unnecessary and even a bit mean to ensure the children differentiate just for the sake of the parent's preference.

I think the title of the primary carers is important, less so of other family members. I've introduced a number of people to my kids as uncle/aunt (including their godfather/godmother, work colleagues, friends...) - it's a way of telling them this person can be trusted.

I agree with this too, but wasn't sure how to phrase it. Almost every adult who sees DD regularly is "Uncle" or "Aunt". I don't think it means as much when it isn't mum or dad.

My step dad IS my children's grandad.
I think it has to depend on the relationship between the child's parent and their step parent.
On the other side my dads partner is not my children's nana or grandma because she's not been around near as long. (And my dad has forced everyone one of his multiple relationships with women into them being called nana before I stamped my foot down hard!)
My dads partner has come into my teens lives and they really like her but they are happy calling her by her name. Whereas my stepdad has been in their lives since they were born.

It sounds like a simple expression of love and closeness.
My kids have step grandparents who they call grandma and Grandpa. I am happy for them to have loving relationships with all family members who care about them
It seems a bit petty of your dh but I guess it depends on the relationship and circumstances.
I would be v cautious about rejecting any family members who genuinely love your kids.
In my limited experience children can understand and cope with complicated but happy family set ups far easier than we expect.
There are so many sad threads here about people longing for grandparents to take an interest.

I had a step grandma who was just grandma to me, she'd brought my dad up (his mum died when he was little) and he called my grandma mum too.

My DS called my DH's Dad Grandad, meaning he had three grandads. My DH has been in his life since he was 2 though, so he's never known any different! He doesn't have much to do with his Dads dad, but he's still grandad.

I'd like to think that DH will have a grandad type name when DS has children. Whilst DS doesn't call him Dad (he has one already!) DH is very hands on with him and always has been. I'd be a bit sad inside if DS didn't want him to have a name.

So true! Any close friends of my parents were called aunt and uncle. In our culture it's a sign of respect.

Yes but they don't have to be given names that they actually aren't, when people who matter don't like it.

Your husbands feelings are valid.

My dad is dead and there is no way I’d allow my step dad to be called grandad. Your MIL is out of order and while I don’t think it’s your place you say anything, you should support your DH in doing so.

@jenjenlinks Isn't it true that the child's reality is different to the Dad's reality?

Your DH is unreasonable and petty.

Its another person to love and cherish your child - you cant have enough of them in my opinion. He should be delighted "Paul" takes an interest.

Not really, the man is not in anyones reality his biological grandparent.

A lot of people don't and can't understand this. The DH likely feels that by everyone insisting Paul is the childs grandfather, he is the DH's father (because that is literally how it works). And he's not his father, he has one.

Why can't he just be Paul, and love the child just the same?