Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

Is she a single parent? What is her situation re. finances and maintenance. I think that is the answer. If she is substantially worse off than you then she might find it in bad taste.

I don't think anyone gets the reality of single parenting and maintenance, unless they are in it themselves. I wouldn't dream of disclosing details like this (then again I haven't many close friends!)

Why is childcare so much for a school aged child?

Wrap around care is about the same as day nursery in both cities that I’ve lived in.

@hexagon123 not sure what you mean? Dc is nearly 1

if this isn't a reverse then I think you sound quite naive and insensitive. You have a high take home salary + £900, so nearly 4k. Most single parents don't have this - which I think you know. Maybe your friend was just having a bad day, leaving her on the spot was pretty outrageous tbh.

I find that hard to believe! Nursery is over £70 a day where I live, the most expensive before/after school care is around £25 a day… obviously have to consider school holidays etc it’s still significantly cheaper when they’re at school

£900 is over half the cost of your childcare expenses. This is more than fair. I think you perhaps need to count your blessings and have a bit of a think on how you possibly came across to your friends.

You sound a bit insensitive.

You've a good wage and a fairly high level of maintenance.

What's her situation?

I do agree with her though.

Now I have little childcare (adhoc before and after school club) my DD doesn't cost a huge amount. Me and my ex split costs 50/50. I think the most a month has ever cost him has been £200 when all club fees etc are due.
On average we spend around £100-£150 each per month. So at £900 you will
be ahead on pure costs.

I know someone will come along and talk about rent/mortgages/bedrooms wtc. But £900 is a huge sum.

I think often your child costs as much as you have. They may want to do an expensive hobby or you travel with them. My take home was half what I’m on now when I was single and I felt loaded. Now I feel skint because children are expensive.

It’s an interesting way of looking at it; does the child need the money? Possibly not. Should the child be entitled to benefit due to one of their parents being a higher earner. Absolutely.

There are lots of people who don’t pay for their children so you are supposed to feel blessed and grateful that your ex pays you anything even if it isn’t half. I get £600 a month maintenance and it does make a difference but it’s not half.

I would once your dc starts school in a few years and childcare costs are reduced plan to save some of the maintenance to help pay for uni etc.

that ridiculous, cm isn't just for childcare costs. it for contributing to the household the child lives in! the food, the utilities the activities everything.

nonsense statement

I’m definitely not suggesting that I can’t manage etc. I was making a comment about the distinction between a resident parent and a non resident parent. Just because my income is sufficient surely doesn’t mean the father is allowed to pay the bare minimum? For context my energy bill was 480 last month.

You referred to a ‘school aged child’ in your OP.

Did your friend mean that in the future your child care bill wouldn’t be as large as your child would be in school, so the maintenance wouldn’t be needed for child care costs?

I mean it’s actually irrelevant what you spend the maintenance money on but I do kind of see her point that if child care costs go down in the future you’ll be better off.

If your DC is only 1 I'm not sure why you were so offended, as your friend was just pointing out that you will be better off once DC is at school.

So was his probably

@Changingplace oh I see. Yes she was saying that in future I will benefit so basically I should shut up.

I think you came across as out of touch to be honest. You're hardly struggling

To be fair, she has a bit of a point. Your combined monthly income is more than mine (after stoppages Inc pension) and I earn nearly 70k. So actually you have quite a huge income, regardless of childcare cost. Everyone is entitled to a moan about things, but you are hardly on the breadline at that amount.
And before the inevitable: yes, I am a single parent, so I totally get the "it's all on you" thing.

@Itsnotfairhuff childcare costs are ONE cost. Then there’s clothes, food, activities, etc etc.

You think she’s being unfair, she thinks you’re being insensitive. You’re probably still much better off than she is, pick your audience for airing your financial woes.

I’m with your friend on this.

You are certainly fairly comfortably off. If your friend isn't it's not surprising she was a bit put out by your moaning about your financial situation.

It doesn’t cost much to feed and clothe a one year old. And they don’t need activities. I don’t think you’re aware of how well off you are.

If your ex was on NMW you’d find a way to cope without the large amount he’s paying.

And £900, and the likelihood of this sum increasing, is an extremely good contribution towards those costs. The child is yours. You are also on a very good income and should also be footing a significant percentage towards the cost of its upbringing. Welcome to parenthood.