Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

Ok so it’s over half the childcare bill… what about half the cost of keeping a roof over the child’s head, half the cost of her food, half the cost of her clothes, half the cost of keeping the child warm etc?

Not helpful but I get £150 a month for 2 kids if it makes you feel better

If she was a true friend she wouldn't begrudge you a penny....

Kids cost money. Why don't you do 50/50 with your ex? There will be no maintenance due then of course.

Yes thats a lot of money but kids cost a lot of money and jobs can come and go in a heartbeat you could always save it in the future for that brief period when costs go down

OP I hate it when my friend discusses finances. She constantly tells me how l
’little’ she has, when in fact she’s better off than she makes out and pays 60% less in rent than me. I’ve had to gradually start changing the subject because she’s totally ignorant that I struggle. I hate talking about money particularly when she tells me she can’t afford bills but manages to spend nearly £1000 on a dog. Perhaps you’re over sharing and she is upset that you’re complaining when she might struggle. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get CM but perhaps leave out the explicit detail if it’s being shared.

I don’t think the cost of a child is just childcare costs. It’s the difference in what you would of spent as a single adult and what you spend as a parent on accommodation and bills then add on cost of their food, clothes, activities, childcare, difference in price of holidays etc. Tot that up and divide in two and I’m sure for the OP it’s over £900.

Not to mention the opportunity cost in terms of work/ promotions as you have challenges that require flexibility from your employer.

What a stupid post.

This.

You earn quite a lot and that's a LOT more than most people receive in maintenance (often unfairly - but it still more than a lot of people get.

Regardless of whether he pays fairly or whether you worked very hard for your job (and I'm sure you did), you have £3900 a month for you and an under-1 year old. That's a big chunk of money - even two people earning the average UK salary 'only' would make £4,400 a month between them, so you're not doing badly. So you're really quite well off compared to some people - what you were saying might have come across as kind of insensitive if she's in a worse position.

Obviously no amount of money can replace feeling like parenting is on you the majority of the time, but unless you're very sure the person you're talking to isn't worse off than you whinging about money (when you're in a relatively good position) is generally likely to provoke weird, hurt or defensive reactions from people.

Considering I’ve had DCs in a combination of both for over a decade, I’m well versed in the costs of this, thanks My childcare bill was £2600 a month at one point. £1200 per child. One a toddler, two in primary school. Same setting for all 3.

How so? Children cost money. The op seems surprised by this.

I kind of see where she is coming from. When people moan about how they can barely survive and are getting £900+ maintenance I do eye roll but that’s probably because my ex was only ever ordered to pay £7 and he doesn’t even pay that!

Never discuss salary or income with friends-and certainly complaining about how expensive things are when you are probably earning a lot more than her is v insensitive.

900a month is a decent amount you on a combined amount of 4k a month. This is completely tone deaf to those genuinely struggling. I'm with your friend on this.

This thread is not going to go well.

Look op, you live to your means, as does everyone else. But perhaps deploy some self awareness around the fact your means are significantly higher than average in future.

In fairness, if maintenance is 900, and the OP matches it, that's 1800 a month to be spent on the child.

If childcare is 1400 a month, that leaves 400 for everything else. Given costs of living, that's not totally unreasonable if OP and her DC are the only people in a property that requires paying for.

That said, when nursery is no longer in the equation, yes, you'll really see a benefit. But don't count your chickens with regards to receiving that amount forever, maintenance has a habit of changing...!

£900 is a LOT of money towards a one year old. But in context of your childcare expenses it’s fair. Maybe just don’t mention it to friends, you wouldn’t share your salary would you? I think discussion of money is a bit classless and someone always ends up upset etc.

So you’re very recently single (less than 2 months?) and were feeling anxious about the cost of living as a newly single parent? Your friend took exception and came across as frustrated and judgemental. Is that correct?

Do you want to make amends? If so, perhaps get in touch and explain that you were feeling anxious for the future and that you were hoping for some emotional support? Hopefully you can sort it out and clear the air x

What op earns is totally irrelevant. The father should be paying the CMS calculated money towards his child. If that all goes in savings, or even on fun holidays or whatever, so what?

It’s his child and his child deserves supporting by him. Especially in the absence of him actually giving a shit.

As a single parent who gets nothing towards my three children I would feel annoyed about your large child support payments

£900 is a LOT of money towards a one year old. But in context of your childcare expenses it’s fair

totally irrelevant. All the CMS looks at it his salary and his dependents and gives a percentage to the parent actually looking after the child

As a single parent who gets nothing towards my three children I would feel annoyed about your large child support payments

you would feel annoyed she is getting what’s mandated because you are not? Sisterhood in action there

Mumsnet is the wrong place to ask this question OP. Unfortunately most posters are unable to separate their own reaction and situation to offer objective advice. It’s hard being a single parent and you have a lot of bills and are hardly a millionaire and have also had to make a big adjustment and shift from a dual income to a single income. Clearly your child’s father was a high earner so that’s a tricky adjustment to make as well.

No one posting can say that you were being insensitive as they don’t even know your friend’s income levels!

I would have been offended if I was venting to my friend and they told me I should count myself lucky to be receiving a fair amount of child maintenance too. Especially as the reality is that you are now footing the bill for a lot more of your child’s expenses than you were before.

However people often put their foot in their mouth and say things that are insensitive and don’t even realise. I’m sure you’ve said things that are insensitive without realising before too and your friends would have given you grace and forgiven you. She may have even been trying to make you feel better by being positive/tough love.

So perhaps just chalk this one up to different perspectives on money and find someone who understands you better to discuss this with.

It sounds a lot, but only because CM is so low for so many people. I didn't get any CM but I don't begrudge you what you get and a moan about the injustice of it all.

However, don't leave things like that with your friend. Good friends are hard to find and not to be thrown away lightly

It is absolutely right that your ex pays whatever he should pay based on his earnings. Your income doesn't change that. If you both earn well, why shouldn't your daughter benefit from that!
However, it was insensitive to complain about the unfairness to anybody when you are so much better off than a lot of people are at the moment, even factoring in nursery fees. Particularly, a single person who doesn't have anyone to share the burden of the increasing bills with is going to find it a hard pill to swallow. Money talk makes people uncomfortable. I also don't think what she said was something to walk out over.

(Besides, I'd much rather have my son and pay more than my ex does, than see him every other weekend!)