Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

I guess it's the attitude you don't think £900 a month is anywhere near enough child maintenance. Yet its half childcare plus £200.
I think you learned lesson of not crying poverty to friends

Me and my ex bring home roughly the same amount of money (me with my uc top ups and child benefit on top of my wage - him about £50 more than me) - he only legally has to pay me £60 a week child maintenance, while the entirety of my income doesn't even cover the costs of my children and I'm often skipping meals. Childcare alone is 240 a week! CMS needs a complete reform. And the more non resident parents contribute, the less reliance there will be on UC etc to top up the wages of single parents, the more they'll be able to work and the better prospects both they and their children will have.

This thread has clearly struck a nerve with me, apologies

Blimey, my ex sends me 10% of that for two children with Sen who he hardly sees. I think you're doing alright. I keep our utilities as low as I can at £46 a month for gas and electric and we have enough food and I can run my little car. We have more than enough to get by. Your poor friend is probably sick of you moaning that you're poor. You're not.

I get £1000 for my kid based on what ex tells me he earns but I'd never tell anyone on real life for this reason. Your child is entitled to it, as they shouldn't have to forgo lifestyle due to the split, but I'd take this as a lesson not to talk so openly about money!

I don't feel bad at all. I work full time too and do all the driving, appointments, admin, cooking, cleaning and parenting for her. In fact, I think he has a pretty good deal considering. I earn well but like to think I'd have progressed more aggressively if I had all that free time and mental bandwidth...

Activities? Your DC must be a big eater and must be in a different club every day of the week to rack up costs of around £900pm. And I’m assuming more as you have your own wages I’m sure you dip into.

Im not begrudging you at all however I do find it hard to relate to you. Your friend was correct.

Half childcare plus £200 towards food, fuel, clothes, bills, activities, birthdays, christmases. Don't think men should have to pay for half of their kids costs?

As a single mum of many years, YABU. I had almost no CM when I was paying for nursery and managed. Once you get the 30 free hours your childcare costs will drop and then they will drop again once your child is in school, at which point £900+ will go a long way to cover other costs.

It's in the original post that he completely abandoned them

Wtf?!

because you get nothing you begrudge the OP what she is entitled to?

£700 of the £900 is half the monthly childcare cost. The other £200 has to cover half of all the other costs of raising their child, including providing the roof over it’s head.

I honestly can’t believe these responses. In one breath we want women to be recognised for their contributions when they’re a SAHM - all the childcare (school pick ups, bath, bed, getting ready for school), life admin, providing food (and the headache of planning meals, cooking, washing up), buying clothes and washing them, organising after school activities - the list goes on.

Here is a woman who has a good job, and would have hopefully had a 50/50 split with all these chores. Now has to do all these things on her own and only gets half the childcare costs and £7 a day to cover everything else (rent/mortgage on a bigger place she wouldn’t need of on her own and all the bills associated), no time for herself, no break from the routine.

Yes, a lot have it worse, but it doesn’t mean we can’t have sympathy for someone in this position. This shouldn’t even be the minimum to expect.

YABU to discuss finances.

You haven’t answered whether your friend is struggling or not.

People earning national minimum wage, working a 37 hour week probably don’t take home much more than £900 a month.

£7 a day to cover everything else

um it’s 7 pounds a day to pay half of everything else for the child . Who are you, daddy warbucks?😂

It's absolutely right that a high-earning dad should be paying a good chunk of his income to his child.

It's also a bit insensitive to moan about having an objectively high income at a time when lots of people are struggling.

You're obviously having a tough time at the moment and maybe overreacted a bit to your friend's comments.

She is obviously jealous as she probably gets a lot less. Presumably that is what the CMS has worked out he should pay. Almost £500 for energy is huge for one month even if you have a baby. Have you only just gone back to work as otherwise isn't your baby in childcare all day or do you have a nanny?

I wouldn't apologise but maybe don't discuss money with her again. I don't get why people should get annoyed if you get more or if you say you are finding money is tight. No one knows your full budget and £1400 childcare is a lot.

^^I agree with this too.

The £900 covers half the childcare costs with £200 left over. That £200 is supposed to pay (at least) half of the costs of housing, heating, and household bills, plus food, clothes, activities etc.

And OP hasn't mentioned how much contact the ex has with the child - potentially he should be paying more if he's not having much contact with the baby.

The trouble is, because the OP has a high income people are missing the fact that the ex should be paying his way, and isn't. Her income isn't the point - why shouldn't the father pay his way for a child that he helped to create? The fact that OP works too and earns a good wage isn't relevant. The ex very clearly earns an excellent salary too and isn't paying anywhere near enough to cover the full costs that he's responsible for.

I only earn a fraction of the OP does, and yes, it would be lovely to bring that home every month. But that doesn't mean that she's not entitled to feel pissed off about an ex who buggered off when their child was a small baby, and now barely covers half the childcare costs and not much else.

Exactly. £7 a day for contributing half of all that is ridiculous!! I’d be ecstatic if I could pay £7 a day for all that. Still be as ecstatic if I paid £30 a day!!

Kindly op. As a single mum I get 500 something a month for my dc. I then have to strive to work on top of that to try and scrape by abit of money on the weekends whilst she is with her dad as I can't even afford childcare during the week.

you arent just doing fine you are definitely living beyond comfort in todays current climate where affording the heating on and branded food is becoming a luxury.

I think If I heard your comment I would take it with a pinch of salt too

^^Absolutely this in a nutshell.

People are being blinded by the fact that OP earns a good salary. That's irrelevant because this is about the ex not paying his share of the full costs of raising a child.

YABU. You’re far from poor and you complaining about the £900 probably came across as thoughtless and out of touch. I think you were wrong to walk out on your friend for that reason, and also because what she was saying is true. In a few years you’ll be paying a lot less childcare out of that £900. It sounds like you were peeved because you wanted her to commiserate with you about how poor you are, but you’re not poor and in many ways you’re actually very lucky.

I’d apologise to her and blame the walking out on work stress or something personally.

I've read most of this twaddle. There may have been some sensible people who understand what emotions are playing out here in the bit I haven't read.

I'm a single parent with fuck all. Ex owes over £3k in arrears of maintenance and the rest before I got CMS involved.

My DC and I have lived on fresh air near enough.

Frankly she's not a very good friend is the bottom line. I would never begrudge any friend of mine receiving what is legally and rightfully theirs to receive. No matter what anybody's outgoings are, life is hard. Your mortgage etc are probably very high. Your child would have grown up in a wealthy household, possibly benefitting from private school, holidays and plentiful clubs and opportunities.

Except now they won't.
If your friend can't understand how stressful and emotionally challenging every single nuance of single parenting is, no matter the money involved, don't bother to pick her selfish arse up off the kerb.

I would never have judged you as a friend. Friends don't judge.

My friends are wealthy. Some are getting divorced and their money fear is no different than mine. Some stupidly don't bother checking the child maintenance levels they get from the dads because they earn a good wage and have been financially abused in marriage despite being wealthy.

Victims don't have to be poor.

I wouldn't begrudge the amount of maintenance you're getting as I believe every father should pay for their children and if theyre earning more then they should pay more. However I feel your comment was insensitive towards your friend. She was right r.e when your child is in school it will be cheaper. Activities aren't that expensive and you will still have plenty. You also don't need to spend loads on clothes and food. I spend around £30 on a food shop for my son and me and around £10-20 on top ups.

I earn significantly less than you and I manage to work nearly full time and send my son to 2 activities per week with enough left for a few treats (and no i dont get a shed loads of family support). We're not exactly going to be going on fancy holidays or redecorating the house or going on day trips every weekend but we get by.

The biggest worry is if you have an unexpected expense i.e car repair, oven/boiler breaks so I can see where she may be upset if she's worse off than you.

Don't let it ruin your friendship OP it's not worth it x

I have said this a few times but as soon as you mention being a high earner all bets are off on MN and there is no sympathy. Pathetic really.

OP the CM is to ensure your DC is well looked after and you can afford to go to work. Any saving you incur is a safety net for your child any real friend who was thinking logically would know this. YANBU at all, in regards to you friendship I don’t know if I have any advice other than tread carefully if remain friends.

Cannot believe this thread.

OP your friend is totally out of order. Once case in which I let it go is if she is a single parent and receiving significantly less that you. If that is the circumstance then you were insensitive and in the wrong. Any other circumstance and she is bang out of line, and not your friend.

sorry but i wouldnt have been complaining. I have a 3 and 4 year old with a total household income of £1550 to pay everything including rent and bills and i get by just fine without complaining.