Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

He's paying what he's been told to pay. It covers 50% of the childcare costs (and you're well able to pay your 50% share) and leaves you with more than enough to pay for anything a one year old needs (without you having to spend an equal £400 your own - so he's basically paying for all your child's non-childcare needs).

What are you complaining about again?

Not really the point of your thread but £490 in energy when I presume you work full time with a nursery bill that size so not in all day
i your own fault cut down line the rest of us if you can’t afford it
house of 4 heating on 5 hours a day washer on at least once a day dishwasher on daily and all usual appliances ours was £310

The child maintenance is a red herring in my opinion.

She is hurt because she isn't as financially favoured (for want of a better word) as you are, and you are hurt because you feel judged. It couldn't come to this over your salary , an inheritance, a bonus. A bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss. And keep up your career path, CM can change suddenly and dramatically, so don't ever rely on that money.

All those saying that they would be annoyed at you for getting 'so much' child maintenance are bitter from their own experiences with the CMS, so don't take it personally. It's not your fault that they don't get what they are owed for their children.

Exactly this.

im a single parent- ex stopped paying maintenance 3/4 years ago and I hate how little I have.

However it is not a race to the bottom. Your ex should be paying maintenance according to his income. Your income is irrelevant.

I’m lost with a lot of the responses.

I spent earlier this week with my friend who has a much bigger house, more savings, bigger income etc. she was complaining and food prices, energy costs etc. and I sympathised? Just because she has more money than me doesn’t mean she can’t be frustrated about financial things? I don’t judge her because she’s my friend. I am not jealous of her being better off because she’s my friend?

Lots of jealousy and bitterness here. oP wasn’t bragging. Silly to be angry at friends for their personal situations. I don’t get the headspace at all.

If you are raising the baby alone then £900 is a bargain for your services

however is your friend poor or struggling financially at the mo?

Your friend was bang out of order. Don’t feel bad, you have higher expenses caused by your child and that’s that. Your ex has to pay his share and it’s not your so called friend’s place to comment.

Isn't maintenance based on the other parents income to reflect what would spent on the child if you were still together? So it's irrelevant if the OP ends up with double my monthly income, it's based on the partner's personal circumstances

And actually I do see your point, it's currently not making a dent in your childcare costs alone.

I think your friend was rude and you were rude to just walk off.

Hi OP,
Not sure what type of property you're in - age of property, size etc, but that is a huge amount to heat a house.
I have a 1500 sq feet house and my gas bill was £113 last month, the highest ever bill, but I have a very efficient boiler and thermostat set at 17 or 18oC.

I think £900pcm when you consider housing (and utilities) clothes, food, care is possibly not enough, but if that's what he can afford, then it's what he can afford. Your income in many respects is irrelevant unless you earn a lot more than he does.

You were being insensitive talking about money, so call your DF and apologise. She may well be feeling the pinch whereas you probably aren't.

I don't think anyone is right or wrong. I dont think she was saying you're in an enviable position. Who would want to be a single parent? I think shes saying youre 'lucky' or doing ok finacially because you had a child with someone who presumably earns good money and is responsible. At the moment, because of childcare costs you are paying the bulk of caring/supporting your child. When child starts school and childcare costs reduce this won't be the case and it'll likely be your ex paying all the costs.
In my circles £900/month for one child with no childcare needs would be plenty to live on however it depends what you mean by support. I'm assuming your child has a room of her own as do you, so let's half the mortgage and utilities because half the house is for their use. Now let's look at all of the outside of work hours care you provide. Let's be exceedingly generous and say you only charge £10/hr with no increases for night hours or BH etc. ...see where I'm going...oh and the hit your career might have taken, oh and half the cost of 9months womb rental....OK I'm being a bit daft here but you are both reasonable for your child. He may or may not get that. She doesn't.
I think walking out was an odd thing to do. It doesn't sound to me like she's accusing you of anything or judging, just stating facts. You will be considerably better off and should be able to have 'change' from £900/month...but you weren't able to think on your feet and add to the conversation.
Before you listen to posters saying its non of her business, we'll you made it hers by discussing the intricacies of your finances. It's a bit unfair to expect her to just be a receptical for your thoughts. I also have no idea why you conclude she's single and perhaps feeling alone. Lets say she was, how is that relavent to her thought on your child support arrangements?
Does she know you flounce? Don't lose an otherwise good friendship over this. Next time you meet her tell her you were hurt by her comments but be prepared to expand and explain why. I'm neutral and I'm not sure why

I agree with both of those posts. And I haven't had maintenance for 10 years now.

It may have been insensitive if you know she’s struggling on a lot less, but..

It’s not a race to the bottom!!

Why should the resident parent (usually a woman) have to be happy with contributions covering just 50% of childcare? What about providing a home, food, clothes, toys, doing all the pick ups and drop offs, bedtime, bathtime, having to pay for a babysitter if they want a rare night off? Having to push for a more flexible job to cover childcare or work part time?

Why do women most commonly get the worst deal? And why are women on here saying that this is fine because they could be worse off? So much for solidarity. A women getting the right amount of money from their child’s dad doesn’t make any other woman worse off?

OP I think you're being given a hard time here.

If your ex pays half of childcare, that's £700 a month. The extra £200 works out at £46 a week (£200 x 12)/52.

So if everyone agrees that childcare should be split 50/50 between separated parents (which I'm presuming everyone would) that gives you £46 a week to house, heat, feed, clothe, transport, and buy other essentials (nappies, wipes) etc.

If the difference between a 1 bed and a 2 bed flat is an extra £200 a month, then he's essentially contributing nothing to his half of the child's other costs.

Obviously a lot of factors are at play here, but we really need to get out of the mindset that just because so many absent fathers pay nothing or very little CM, the ones who do pay (& remember CM is the minimum required amount based on earnings) are due a sainthood and the mothers (who still have to juggle work and childcare and sick days and babysitters etc) should be grateful for whatever they get.

OP, you are getting the legally required minimum payment from your ex. That's the bottom line. No one should be making you feel bad about that.

I wish I lived where you live then!

Read again. Her friend said when her kids at school she'll be quids in. She's not at school yet so the support goes on childcare.

You should absolutely receive a proper proportion of his wage to support his child. It’s not a race to the bottom. Child support shouldn’t be based on the bare minimum cost of raising a child, if your child’s father is a high earner then your child should get a lifestyle which reflects that.

Having said that, pick your audience when it comes to financial worries. You have much more than most - do you have much more than her? Everyone is feeling the pinch at the moment, but the pinch looks very different at £4k a month than it does on £400 a month.

Wow that was not very nice of you .

Op.. I earn 1700 a month and receive 350 a month child maintenance for my daughter. I would feel royally lucky to receive the amount you do. Every day is a struggle and I often go without. Not sure I understand your childcare bill.

childcare costs are ONE cost. Then there’s clothes, food, activities, etc etc.

OP I think the point is that your friend likely has all of these expenses on less income and less support. It doesn't make either of you wrong.

If your dp left when your baby was 10 months and he or she is now not quite one, you are still in the early stages of coming to terms with the reality of being a lone parent.

That could change in the future though, of course.

I think you'd feel let down and left holding the baby however much maintenance to you were receiving tbh.

Look after yourself (and don't discuss finances with friends!)

Single parent here. I think you’re being unreasonable. You have a good income yourself and the maintenance amount is high. Just for context I have around £1800 take home pay and just over £200 maintenance. No childcare costs but even paying childcare you have more to spare than most people.

I don’t know what you are expecting from maintenance. You can choose to say it pays £900 of your £1400 childcare costs. Or it contributes a little towards your mortgage and utilities, your child’s expenses, or the general household. It’s an interesting question, you’re not together anymore so he’s not responsible for contributing 50% toward your household, I don’t know how you can separate out 50% of all child costs. It is a contribution, and a generous one.

@GovernmentID
But no one is being jealous or bitter. The friend has just correctly pointed out that (all things being equal) you'll be doing alright soon...look on the bright side. I wasn't there and there's no transcript but it doesn't sound like friend is criticising at all.

Yabu your friend is correct.

Everyone is too bitter about their own situations to look at this properly.
I think a true friend wouldn't begrudge you and your child £900 in maintenance.
He should be paying 50/50 if not more if he doesn't have the child at all.
Even when costs go down you can pop Savings into an account for uni or a car or just funds set aside for if dc father income reduces significantly.

I agree with a pp pick your audience. Talking about money is crass, especially when moaning about expenses when you have just under £4k a month to spend.

I have a friend like this, who has no social understanding, or is just used to bragging about the latest bonus with colleagues and it makes things very uncomfortable. I agree children are expensive but shock horror - even if you hadn't split up and had to be providing 2 houses, you may well have had to alter your spending habits to fund childcare.