Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

Going against the grain here but how much anyone else gets in child maintenance from their ex is irrelevant. Yes, you might get more than many and to them if seems that you’re being unreasonable but in my opinion you’re absolutely not. I wish everyone could receive the highest amount for their children but sadly that’s now the way it works. You definitely shouldn’t be made to feel bad, by a ‘friend’, that you are receiving more than her. There’s also more to child maintenance that childcare and I totally understand your frustration - he’s avoiding a lot more of the costs than you are. It’s reflective of your personal situation, not anyone else’s. If you were to have stated this if percentages rather than monetary value I think you’d have a more sympathetic response. Which is rubbish because that’s how it should be viewed regardless!

I am totally with you OP.

Yanbu. I don't think all the 'I get £70 a month from my kids dad's is all that relevant to this particular discussion (although I do feel for those in that position). When a high earning parent walks away, and doesn't see their child, they shouldn't have to pay proportionately a lot less to raise their child as they did previously while the resident parent pays a lot more. How would that be fair? What the OP earns is not really relevant, as even if she didnt 'need' the money she could still save it or use it to benefit the child. And when the child is older there will be wraparound, uniforms, clubs, holidays etc. I appreciate these arent all essentials but if the dad would be paying this if they were still together then it's fair to continue if they've split.

Also as others have pointed it out, children cost a lot more than childcare. I live in a bigger house, have bigger bills, go on more holidays in peak time, have a bigger car, etc etc than I would if I didnt have children. It would be hard to measure the actual cost however I've heard that the average total cost per child (a few years ago) was £250k, which works out around £600 a month from 0-18. But the average family doesnt use full time childcare which will bump it up loads as will living in a more expensive area etc. So £900 doesnt sound mad.

YABU. He is paying what the CMS has calculated he must pay isn’t he? I don’t see the problem. He also presumably has a large gas bill so not sure why you’re moaning about that.

My friend who is a single mum lives on a monthly sum of £400. For everything…..

she, like many others, gets nothing from the father. This is for her 4 kids!

And about the argument with your friend - yanbu to feel it's all on you...as it is! The responsibility can be stressful. And I don't think yoi should feel 'lucky' to have a partner who walked out and pays the legal minimum and likely what he would have been paying if you were still together. That should be the norm and the minimum standard not a 'lucky' situation.

Saying that though, context is key and it's probably never a good idea to talk detail about money to anyone else especially if they may be struggling so I'd suggest you maybe over shared here

How just how?

but then everything is relative. The more you have, the more expensive your life is.

I get it OP. I am a hjgh earner and I don,'t "need" CM. ExDH gets away with £50 when he wants and contributes £150 - 200 for winter/summer clothes twice a year which is nothing. When I was on £3k DC's nursery bill was £1500 for 4 days, nw Im on almost double my salary back then but still no contribution bc he refuses to work. I would unapolegetically take £900 and not be bothered by anyone's opinion. It's his contribution to the household expenses for DC & CM formula is extremely favourable to non-resident parents.

YANBU but it sounds like you’re both listening but not hearing each other.

It’s completely understandable an unexpected huge energy bill would be stressful for you - most people budget so it’s always alarming. It also sounds like you’re relatively new to single parenting and still adjusting to having sole responsibility for DC, which goes far beyond money and is a shock when you thought you’d have a partner to share the load. I find it interesting your friend talks about having your own separate home and money for child related costs like this is a benefit of the breakup, I’d prefer a shared home with a partner (where possible) because it means I need to contribute a bit less in every sense.

You don’t tell us very much about your friend’s situation - who does she live with? Do you know her financial situation? Has she seemed uncomfortable speaking about money before? It sounds like she’s really feeling the pinch and is sensitive about money which is also understandable.

It’s hard because we all need to vent sometimes but in the current climate you need to be self-aware. My partner and I both earn good money and I try to be careful about how I talk about rising costs with friends because whilst everything costing more is inconvenient, we can afford it and a lot of people can’t. Worrying about how you’ll find the money to survive is incomparable to any other money worries!

If you’ve been friends for a while this seems like a silly thing to fall out about - can’t you have an open conversation now you've both had time to reflect (without wine involved) to try and better understand each other’s point of view?

I think it's very weird and rude of you to go off in huff when all she did was offer another perspective on your situation. Are you used to her just nodding smiling and being sympathetic while you moan about things? If you value her friendship you should contact her and apologise, and don't complain about money to her again.

It is perfectly reasonable for a high earning man to pay £900 a month for his own child.

It is also perfectly reasonable to think this is a lot, because it is

Neither of you are wrong but I can see where the 'my energy bill is high because I hya small child ' might irritate. You don't have a new born and most people want to be semi warm and are facing high bills.

You were insensitive she overstepped the mark in sharing her opinion on your financial affairs. You should both apologise

Is that after rent/ bills? I mean you'd get £250 inchild benefit Nearly £900-1400 in UC depending on when they were born. Plus help towards housing costs if renting.

I don't begrudge benefits but no one in this country in raising 4 children on £400 a month.

£480 a month just on your energy bill?!! Have you ever considered economising at all?

She hasn’t got a clue and should be supporting you regardless unless you are hurting yourself in any way of course.

I tend to find people who make these type of comments are either childless or married so have the full benefit of two incomes.

She has £900 a month because obviously her ex is wealthy.

The whole point of maintenance being a percentage of earnings rather than a base rate is so that children can enjoy the benefits they would enjoy if parents were together. Not so that women can scrape by on the bare minimum.

So what if other people don’t get that much - it’s not a race to the bottom

The cost of having a child is WAY more than childcare.

God the bar is so fucking low for men isn’t it

Utter tosh

This with really loud bells OP. Your salary alone is decent. And so is your CMS

Your child care bill won't last forever and a good chunk is paid for with the 900. God forbid but if anything happened to your ex you would have to manage without the 900 or maybe as little as £250 a month. I suspect your friend was fed up of your lack of awareness!

I agree with you. But at least you have some awareness and prospective that you are in the minority getting that much money. OP is failing to realise... it should of been her friend that upped and left the conversation.

Your child does deserve a fair amount absolutely but you can still appreciate its a decent amount at the same time.

Have you claimed UC top up for those childcare costs? Even a small amount and the cost of living payments will kick in. You should definitely claim it if you pay rent.

That’s a big utility bill have you contacted an energy centre for advice?

Your DP has been left less than 2 months and already pays £900 maintenance, perhaps your friend has reason to think you are lucky (financially).

While I think your argument is basically right i.e. child maintenance is rarely enough to cover 1/2 the costs of raising a child, you were insensitive and rather crass to discuss actual figures with your friend (or anyone really).

Your financial situation certainly makes many aspects of being a lone parent easier than it is for many, but the 'all on you' part is there regardless. I presume when you say he abandoned you, he doesn't see his child at all i.e. you get no down time?

It's hard for people who are not lone parents to empathise I think, but I think you need to separate that from your financial concerns.

Who cares if op gets 900 a month and it's a lot of money etc. Child's father fucked off. Now everything is up to her to sort, pay, organise, full time. The poor bloke could have.. not fucked off.... then he'd not have to pay/pay as much as he does now.
Your friend saying you'll be making money off your child soon is just bizarre.

Childcare is only one of the expenses there is in looking after a child. If you take off £700, as half the childcare, that leaves you with £200. When you add up the cost of clothes, nappies, food, extra cost of heating etc. plus other household expenses the £200 doesn’t seem a massive amount.

The OP’s ex seems to have a decent wage, with maintenance being £900pm. Do you think that if he earns a lot more than the OP (say £6k pm), it would be fair, for him not to pay at least half the costs of looking after his dc?