Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

Really can't understand what I'm reading here. Whether or not OP earns "a good wage" or not, the child's father is obliged to pay child support. The money is for the child, not OP. If she can cover their living expenses in the future then the excess can be saved for her DC.

I wasn’t referring to the friend being jealous and bitter, but some of the commenters on here. Some are quite unpleasant towards the OP because she gets that much.

Re: housing costs in that argument, OP should still pay half of the child's half surely? So 75%

Sorry YABU

Your maintenance amount is more than my entire income.

If I got £900 a month off ExH I'd not need to work or pay childcare. As is I get £50 a month, and I'm more than happy with that.

I have a child that needs heating on due to a medical condition so I do get the high energy costs but I manage because I have to.

But he is. Half of 1400 is 700. She then gets another 200, or 50 quid a week, if she matches it, then it’s 100 a week just for an infant, if she’s spending that she’s doing something wrong. He’s more than paying his share for his kid.

op it’s child maintenance, not you maintenance,

But she pays the other half! And she pays for a home for her child too.

No she does not lol. The child lives with her. She’s not paying for a separate house 😂😂😂

CMS is such a shitty system. My ex had to pay a miserable amount depending on in earnings and how many other kids (belonging to him or not) he lives with.

I have to pay what my child costs, no matter how much I earn, no matter how many other children are in my house... sorry I can't pay for my childs groceries/electricity/child care bill/school dinners because I only earn this much... no I have to find a way to pay no matter the cost.

But I can't simply work more hours, because then my childcare bill rises more - I could bring home as much or more money than my ex except there is a massive cost for me to work, and he can go to work for free.

Your ex paying 900 a month is a more accurate figure towards what I child actually costs, regardless of his earning. Absent parents should be paying according to the costs of the child, not their own earnings. It's irrelevant. Single resident parents have to find a way of covering the costs no matter what i take home - for me that's often been skipping meals to make sure my kids eat.

And God forbid you claim benefits or work part time because of the benefit trap or the price of childcare costing you out of working full time. The benefits for single parents would not be so high if non resident parents had to pay a fair amount towards the cost of their child.

I don't begrudge you a single a penny of your 900 - he should be paying half of what your child costs - housing, heating, food, clothing, childcare, everything - you're salary is definitely irrelevant, and I'd strongly argue his is too

I agree with this, I’d work on your self awareness and sensitivity for future conversations.

Besides your friend has a point, childcare is expensive now but in a few years in won’t be and you’ll have lots of disposable income and be able to live quite comfortably. More comfortably than you’re already living. That’s probably quite a bitter pill to swallow for us normies on minimum wage that get £7 per week child maintenance.

Agree - I mean £1400 is a lot but fairly standard.

half per parent per month is £700…. So he’s paying his share of the childcare PLUS £200 towards maintaining that child.

on top of a 3k take home I think that’s more than ample and a damn sight more than most people get. I think friend did find the comments from op in bad taste and I don’t blame her

How ever much you earn, you're allowed a minor whinge about rising fuel costs. And I understand that your "it always falls to me" isn't just about sucking up the cost, but it's the planning and balancing. You can't only think only of you, which a non resident parent doesn't have to the same degree.

I also think we're allowed moans to our best friends without them being arsey. I don't agree with everything my friends moan at me about, and they almost definitely don't agree with mine sometimes. But that's what your close friends are for. To murmur and pay your shoulder.

My friend got £120k in her divorce and “friends” told her she should be grateful banana they couldn’t comprehend getting that much from their deadbeat exes. Actually her ex hid money during the divorce and a year later sold his company for £3m. He built up the business while she did everything else - raising dc, being his unpaid work PA and more. He gets £3m, 3 homes, 4 cars and she gets £120k and a 12 year old car and would be grateful?

my advice be, do not share this much financial info in future. Nobody needs to know what your ex pays.

Yeah sorry but your wage alone is way above national average. I always find you need to be so careful discussing money even with close friends!!

Well if your childcare is 1400 a month and he’s coughing up 900, then I guess you’d have to work out all your extra childcare costs and both your incomes and how much time the child spends with him to work out if the extra 200 covers 50% of the remaining costs.

I am guessing it doesn’t right now, but you will be better off if he kept it up in future, but you seem to believe he won’t?

Anyway no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but you aren’t badly off - if she is a much less well off single parent then you were being a bit tone deaf.

If this is the case why don’t you ring her up saying you were just feeling your situation that night but you don’t want to fall out over it?

Yep. Proper race to the bottom.

And the friend was also right, when free nursery hours kick in the op will be coining it in.

op you sound grabby. The father is paying his contribution. As said it’s support for his child. He’s not paying for you.

You haven’t said what your friend’s circumstances are, but on the face of it she is making a valid point - you don’t feel like £900 is a huge contribution now, but when you’re not paying £1400 a month childcare it probably will be. I don’t understand what has put your nose out of joint.

I’m sure you know there are many resident parents who get not a penny in maintenance, because the other parent has disappeared off the face of the Earth, or plays the system, or can’t pay because of their circumstances. You’ve lucked out a bit in having an ex partner who can afford to pay £900 a month, and actually pays it.

I think you need to message your friend, apologise for the awkwardness at your last meeting and invite her for coffee or lunch or whatever you do, to smooth things over. You don’t want to lose a friend over something so trivial.

Well I think non resident parents should pay properly and what the resident parent has isn't relevant. The fact that some dads are shit at paying decent maintenance doesn't make your ex an angel. I think your friend was being daft. Maintenance is to contribute to the cost of raising a child- housing, feeding, clothing, keeping them warm, keeping them in school etc etc. 900 per month for a high earning NRP is fair enough and if he shuffled things around to pay less while still earning the same then he'd be a prick. And frankly the responsibility of being the resident parent, on call 24/7 is worth more than anything.

He is paying for her to raise their child because he can't be fucked and has buggered off. Why should she be scrapping by while he sods off to live a much easier, responsibility free life of Riley? He should be paying half the costs for the child he fathered, regardless of how much OP makes
... or even he makes.

I’m assuming you know them then or did you make some wild assumptions whilst running round your living room in fury?

This

Shouldn’t matter if op was a millionaire, the non resident parent should pay a fair amount to support their children.
the op child is entitled to that maintenance .
just because many don’t get a fair maintenance doesn’t mean another child should miss out!

I'm not sure they are cheaper when they start school. You start doing activities and clubs, swimming, music lessons, dance classes, present for friends' parties, birthday parties for your DC.... then later it's school trips and camps, gym etc etc. Plus holiday clubs or however you sort the school holidays.

Babies are much cheaper apart from the childcare. And under threes are usually free when you go anywhere.

But as a PP said - if you do have spare, save it for when they are older. And maybe be more reticent when talking finances to friends......

You've not mentioned what your friend's financial situation is like. If she's worse off than you, then I think YABU. It's very crass to complain about finances to people worse off than you.

Ultimately, this is the answer!