Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

Equally, maybe single people with no experience of being responsible for a child, or abandoned by that child's father and left with all the day to day care, should not tell women they are lucky that he contributes towards the financial costs!

There are so many factors that parents have to consider when looking after children that a nrp is freed from - the rp cannot just live where they want, they must consider childcare availability, school catchment areas etc, whereas a nrp is free from all those constraints. A rp cannot always be flexible in work and that's a massive drawback to career progression for many women. All their annual leave has to be meticulously planned for to cover school holidays. And their child's dad can at any moment shack up with a woman who also has a child or can have more kids himself and then reduce his child support, as if that first child suddenly costs less to feed!

All the stress and responsibility is on the rp, who can't just decide she cba with this anymore and opt out!

Equally, maybe single people with no experience of being responsible for a child, or abandoned by that child's father and left with all the day to day care, should not tell women they are lucky that he contributes towards the financial costs!

Yes to all of this.

I'll go against the grain here. Your friend may have over reacted a bit for personal reasons, if I were you I wouldn't have walked off but changed the subject. But I never discuss finances really . Yes 900 is a lot and you take home a good wack too. However for for all we know he may take hone 6k ( havnt read all the posts on here so apologises if you've mentioned his salary). Men shouldn't get away with not paying just because a women does well...it should be a proportion of his salary. Clothes amd food are one thing, if you chose to take the piss and live in a 6 bedroom house then no you can't expect him to pay for it, but if you are being fairly modest and paying rent or mortgage as well as other things, I don't think 900 is too much
If his take home pay is for arguments sake 2k then 900 is top much
It all depends on his earnings.

Sorry but I'm with your friend on this. £900 a month?!?! Good lord. That is completely unnecessary and I too am a lone parent since my DH died when my child was 1

Nobody is saying that because you earn a lot that he should pay the minimum. My comment was completely regardless of your income. Even if you were on minimum wage, £900 maintenance is ridiculous and completely unnecessary

I think if anything you were a little insensitive to your friend's situation. However, just because you earn a decent wage doesn't mean that you are not entitled to maintenance from your child's father. Surely he is paying the correct percentage of his wages? You both being high earners does not negate his responsibility to his child. Are you supposed to refuse maintenance because you're better off than many? Let him get away with paying less because you don't "need" it? Forget that. You can't see the future, your situation may change- his situation may change! I would just suggest that you learn to read the room a bit better before you divulge any financial information.

You have a lot of money,which,from your post,seems to be important to you.
don't rub it in people's faces.yabu,count your blessings.

As I said on page 1, I think you were wrong to strop off because your friend was iffy with you. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with how much maintenance is correct.

It sounds like it’s important to her to be able to afford a good standard of living for herself and her child, and not to be the one paying the majority of costs for a child they both decided to have. She’s already doing all the parenting.

It also sounds like she hoped she would be able to find support in her friend, as she would equally offer support, without said friend making it about herself.

Is that what everyone does? Take a look around the group and think oh I best not discuss that? Ime that doesn’t happen. I can’t afford lunch out or nice weekends. It’s been about ten years since any sort of holiday. Everyone at work knows I’m a single parent and can’t afford things. Yet I don’t make snarky comments about how lucky they are to go on holiday, posh restaurants, nice clothes lunch out, be gym members.

OPs friend was wrong to comment. And if dad is a high earner then £900 isn’t a lot to him.

Why shouldn’t you get that much? Ex can afford it and it’s not a huge amount. Yes, some poor kids have very frugal lifestyles but it’s not a race to the bottom. If, when your child goes to school and you have less to pay out (hopefully) then maybe take your child on nice holidays or set up a savings account for them.

The OP's income is irrelevant.

The NRP should - morally - pay half the costs or their child. This includes housing, heating, food, clothes and childcare.

I've had similar comments OP. My son's father pays what CMS recommend plus £750 each month which is half the childcare costs, despite me being the higher earner. Because he's a decent human.

How is it unnecessary? So higher earner dads get away with not having to pay their fair share while the mums have to do all the day to day stuff.

What the heck! £160 per month? That is atrocious!

I was a single mum of two, in childcare and I got no maintenance at all. I worked FT in a demanding job too. If a mum had moaned about costs and ex doing nothing whilst getting £900 in maintenance, I expect I would have found it hard to keep quiet.

Your friend had a point. Not worth losing a friendship over it. You can both apologise and move on, but maybe think twice before moaning about things.

She thinks you’re lucky that the child’s father provided the minimum legally required child support? Is she normally such a misogynist? I’d say the father of the children is far more lucky to have you do most of the parenting for him🙄

So because the man who fathered your children is an even shittier father, women like the OP are lucky?! No, that’s all arse about face, Its the men getting off lightly here.

@SavedByDogs I think you scoffed at me suggesting mediation as a way forward for OP and ex…

Evidently those who refuse are going to be dragged over coals in future as they are clogging up family courts.

Splitting parents face fine for refusing mediation https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-65049700

So because the man who fathered your children is an even shittier father, women like the OP are lucky?! No, that’s all arse about face, Its the men getting off lightly here
No, my point is that you sometimes need to think twice before moaning when your situation would overall be considered lucky by most in the same situation.

@vivainsomnia exactly.

Is it?
I get letters sometimes that I should be getting £7 per week for my 3 children and as he is self employed they can’t make him pay me. Not that I actually would bother for £7

The lesson is keep your finances private.

No, because that lets men off the hook. Direct your anger at them and their shit parenting, rather than focusing on other women who are also struggling.

Im 24 years into my career I work bloody hard in high stress environments where there is no lee way to be off my game if I was struggling . I earn 2200 and get 900 from partner so I'd be less than sympathetic to you earning so much

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