To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

[Led921900]

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

I don’t get what’s confusing. Plenty of couples have separate money. We do as do most of our couple friends, some have kids and some do not

I would never go into a relationship where money was totally pooled. But that is for a different thread.

I did read it. But that's the only thing I can think of for him to be acting like an idiot because I'm thinking he still could have done the lego even if they were there. She said they were in different rooms??

Because I hate to say it, even if he’d had a fab 40th, don’t think I’d have got anything for Mother’s Day either.

Just seemed worse in the context of the effort I made for his birthday he made none.

I’m baffled by the handmaidens on the thread pandering to the tantrums of a 40 year old man.

If someone had organised birthday banner, balloons, cake, chocolate, socks, puzzle and £200 cash for me I’d be bloody grateful! Not whingeing.

He didn’t get off his arse to organise darts for himself so he’s blaming OP and playing the victim.

She probably wanted it to come from her own pay, so took it from her maternity pay. And he asked for it for a phone.

I have shared bank accounts with my Husband and a seperate one. If im buying a present for him, it comes from my own money (ive earned) and from my own bank account. I gave him money towards a very special present he wanted for his 40th (along with other family members too).

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Social media has warped and distorted people’s perceptions to the extent that op is being dissed for absolutely lovely, very generous and fun gifts. And with a 4 month old and 2 kids!! People literally falling over themselves to compete with what they woulda coulda shoulda done for a 40th birthday. We look at mirages on Facebook or instagram, hungry ghosts staring at other hungry ghosts’ carefully curated confections of style and no substance. Insane. What happened to it’s the thought that counts?

Did he just turn 40 or 4?

If you had given him nothing on his bday then him comparing his so called shit birthday with your non-existent Mother’s Day would be ok.

I’ll tell you what’s shit, his logic.

Why do you put up with this?

Perhaps OP should call up their wives and clear it with each other to let the men go out for a play date🙄

You completely misunderstood what I was saying. I didn't get the first part of your post either due to the typo but no need for this snark. It wasn't what I was saying at all.

Last year, my husband had to work on my birthday, I had a six month old and the older two were in school/ nursery.
I got a similar haul to your husband, cake balloons, cards, banners, a few smaller gifts and a £200 gift card for our local shopping centre.
I dropped the kids at school and took the baby with me shopping. I had a lovely lunch and spoilt myself with my gift card.

It was honestly one of my favourite birthdays. I loved the quiet solitude of going where I wanted, alone (almost- six month old was sleeping) and eating what I wanted as slowly as I wanted, going in shops I like without being nagged to go to the toy shop. It was bliss.

Basically your husband is being an ungrateful arse. You gave him a perfect foundation to make the day exactly what he wanted it to be but he was too lazy to do that and instead blamed you for not managing every millisecond of his day.

Sod him.

I think he might be having a ‘fuck me I'm forty and what have I become’ self indulgent, naval-grazing moment and he’s taking it out on you. Hopefully it passes! You’ve been great and done night wrong!

Your further posts come across that you don’t like him very much at all.

I agree with this. I've been quite confused reading your posts.

I didn't think you did anything wrong, exactly and I did think your DH behaved childishly.

But your posts confuse me, with references to 182 days alone & a list of all you did for his birthday, it really doesn't sound like you like him at all.

What an AH.

So he wanted you and the kids out of the way for his birthday, didn’t get you anything for Mothers Day bitched about his birthday even though you’d gone to a lot of trouble to bake in nice even though you’ve not long had a baby AND you’re going skiing in two years and you’re already freaking about him looking after the kids. He doesn’t sound amazing, if I’m honest.

Because I hate to say it, even if he’d had a fab 40th, don’t think I’d have got anything for Mother’s Day either.

If that's the case, how does it make him a 'kind' husband as you've described him.

That's horrible of him, and is not a one/off, or connected to his birthday, it's how he is always.

So confusing

Off to bed soon.
I obviously do like him or I wouldn’t be with him! I could go into his good points but sure they’d be picked apart.
At the moment the things he’ll do that I appreciate is settle baby after a feed at night so I can get more sleep, make me breakfast, take the baby on his lunch hour. Does loads for the 2 year old who is full on… in fact in the midst of potty training and he’s doing most of it etc etc.
Presents and cards are a blind spot, it’s something his Mum has done on his behalf for ages, I don’t think he’s ever faced the consequences of not doing it before. She obviously didn’t kick him up the arse this Mother’s Day!

Just for clarity OP, who will be paying for your skiing trip?

I doubt he'll be giving you £200/anything towards it.

Presents and cards are a blind spot, it’s something his Mum has done on his behalf for ages, I don’t think he’s ever faced the consequences of not doing it before.

See this feels like a drip-feed - if he's totally rubbish at presents, so much so that his mum 😳 has done it for him so far, surely you factored that in in terms of what you did for him. No way would I be making a huge effort for someone that never does it for me - so in a way, your question becomes moot.

Equally, the no present for Mother's Day wasn't linked to his birthday - it's just what he always does (or rather, doesn't).

I don't know, you say you like him & give examples of why, but there's a lot of under the surface resentment I think.

I really think you both need a proper discussion about where you are both at; it doesn't sound great.

Oh, and of course go skiing for your 40th!

Well you know what to do next year for your man child's birthday,leave him alone all day with his toys and go have a lovely day without him.

To be honest I'm not sure how much effort you really went to.... it's not just a birthday it's a milestone one. DH and I don't normally do much for birthdays, maybe just get a take out for dinner or if we can find someone to babysit maybe grab lunch or dinner child-free and a small token gift / something funny or useful.
However our circs are pretty similar to yours and I feel like you're using the baby as a bit of an excuse tbh!
I arranged a get together of family & friends at a local pub. It wasn't exactly wild and was family friendly but was an opportunity for him to celebrate and it was a surprise so something nice.
This year he's got a big gift (Jewellery) as I wanted to get him something to keep as it's a special birthday. On the day we're going out as a family which I've organised.
Of course it's different to before we had the kids but having two young kids (3 and 6 months) shouldn't stop you planning something.
You knew he'd be turning 40 so you could have saved some money for the gift before your mat leave - that's how I've managed.

Not sure you’ve read my posts. I’ve never said the baby stopped me planning something- it was my dh asking me not to. He also asked his mum not to. I’m not going to organise a party for someone who told me not to, I think it’d be really disrespectful and possibly ruin their birthday for them.

We had a meal with immediate family on the Sunday for his birthday.

Savings are prioritized at the moment on our mortgage and bills as I’m going on SMP and it’s a huge whack to our income. £200 is a lot to give him at the moment. Anything we’re buying is draining our savings. We obviously knew that when planning a third child but being extravagant right now isn’t really feasible, not until I’m back at work. SMP is £600 a month, if I’d bought him an iPhone that would’ve been my whole months income on a present.

I've just had a read through most of your comments and to be it sounds like your husband is playing the martyr!!
You are not being unreasonable to be feeling how you are when he throws all your efforts back in your face, telling you his birthday was shit!
I do think it could be because some things that he may have wanted to happen, didn't, for example the darts thing. That's on him to organise. Just because it's a 40th birthday, doesn't mean people have to organise everything on somebody's behalf! Some things the birthday boy/girl should organise themselves when it comes to mates, or the mates organise it, not the spouse!
You say he didn't want a party etc, I'm wondering if deep down he did and is sulking as it didn't happen. You went off what he said and you know your husband and that he wouldn't have liked this.
He's being really childish in this situation to be honest. Moaning as you were back 20 mins early!! If he wanted alone time to do lego then he should have got up while you were out! I don't like the fact he would have liked you to have gone out for the whole day with a 4 month old, whilst he practically played with his toys!!
I get it's a hobby but when you have 3 young kids, you don't get to do what you want, when you want.
For somebody not wanting anything planned for their birthday, he has done well with the day out, family meal and meeting his friend in London. For an introvert I would think that's more than enough!
I think there is too much pressure to make a big fuss over birthdays sometimes.
He was an arae for not acknowledging you on Mother's Day and ignoring your 5 year old request to sort a cake! That's just mean and childish and doesn't set a good example to your kids.
I'm glad he's helpful usually, seems like he has just had a bit of a moment and spat his dummy out. Seems a case of you can't do right, for doing wrong.
I would go on your skiing trip with your sisters! He has over 2 years notice and just because he doesn't like a fuss, doesn't mean you should miss out. Like you say his parents would help with the children and he would get a couple of days alone time to play with his lego!!

It really does sound bare minimum.

I'm guessing you have lions share of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, childcare.

He's rather cheeky expecting to be fawned over on special occasions but refuses to do the same for anyone else.