To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

[Led921900]

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

You are getting a very hard time of it and the only reason I can think of is because it is a milestone birthday. I talked to my dh before his and asked what he wanted in terms of a smaller party with just us and his parents or a bigger party with his wider family and or a weekend away. He went for a bigger party and we went to the lake district for a few days. When it comes to mine in a few years I want a meal with my nearest and dearest and then a few days away.

I can understand you know your husband better than I do and it just sounds like he didn't communicate his wants very clearly. £200 plus presents is generous especially with you on maternity leave. If he had wanted to go out with his mates it was up to him to organise, not you. It might be hard for mumsnet to fathom but not everyone wants a massive party.

I can't understand wanting to celebrate my birthday by spending a good chunk of it on my own but it takes all sorts. None of this is a good enough reason to have not acknowledged mother's day for you. You've mentioned he can be thoughtful in other ways op which is good but this was spiteful and not really on.

Yanbu.

He’s not very in touch with his feelings- I’d say I don’t think he knew he’d be disappointed until he was.

Yes I think this really. I had a lovely 40th but then I decided what I wanted to do and had lovely time with my family.

Apart from the fact that he sounds like a spiteful ungrateful childish shit towards you, its really sad that your little girl wanted to get you a cake for Mother's day and he wouldn't let her. How mean to the child not to facilitate her wish to do something nice for you. I hope he treads on a really vicious piece of lego.

Manchild
and then you said he wanted to spend the day building Lego and my thoughts were proven true.

4 or 40 ?!

sounds like he got what he said he wanted and then didn’t think that was special enough.

entirely his own doing !

birthdays and Mother’s Day etc do not need to revolve around expensive gifts - it’s about thought and time.

you put in some effort (as did his mother) to deliver what he wanted, without over doing it to something he would hate! - or more specifically SAID he didn’t want!!

if you say you don’t want it, you can’t complain it was shit when you don’t get it!!

we don’t do gifts of any value. …. Other than my husbands 40th - when I spent A FORTUNE on 40 presents. It took all day for him to open them, crumbling about the cost and space they take up! ….. you can’t please some people!
post 40 normal service has been resumed and he gets a £3 chocolate something and a card!
for my 40th I chose some items and my daughter (tween) coordinated the purchase of them.
I got what I wanted and a few surprises (chocolates! & the kids made a cake).

I organised my own nights & days out and did several with different friends.

Why are you giving him money for his birthday? He's not a teenager.

He kind of sounds like one

Not sure why this keeps coming up. He wanted an iPhone or a Lego set. So I gave him money towards it. He needs to choose his own… what if I got him an iPhone he didn’t like or Lego he already has? He’d have to go back with a gift receipt and sort out what he wanted instead.

I’d be made up to get £200 to spend on myself guilt free as a present. I know his parents were topping this up (think new iPhones about £600)?

I also think that it's weird to give your husband money but all money is joint in our house. It's really sad that the best birthday present is to not have your baby around.

Yes. I thought that as well.
Small child - "Lets buy mummy a mother's day cake"
DH "No because I had a shit birthday - she gets nothing"

Taking it out on DD. What a horrible example to set and a massive lack of respect. Very ungenerous.
There is a whiff of Burning Martyr in all this..

Don't organise anything for my birthday.
I just want alone time.
I want to go out with my mates to the pub, but I want that to be organised for me. I will wait and see if anyone bothers. If they don't I will sulk.
I am ignoring all the things DW did for me and our day out together, as its not good enough for a milestone birthday
I will do nothing about Mothers Day until DW mentions it and then I will let her know that this is in retaliation for my shit birthday.
I will keep sulking about this until I get more concessions from everyone as they will feel so guilty and will try hard to make it up to me.
Serves them all right for not reading my mind in the first place.

What an absolute child.

Think @DuckbilledSplatterPuff has hit the nail on the head.

Lot of materialistic people here - it's quite grubby.

So is he making mothers day up to you? He really should.

He sounds like a bit of a ungrateful sod.

My 40th was during lockdown, I'm a single parent so it was just me and the kids with family all 60 odd miles away. Knowing this, I organised to have am afternoon tea delivered, friends did door stop drop offs and I weirdly enjoyed not having a huge pressure to go mad for a milstone birthday.
If he wanted to have a good night out, he's a big boy and could organise himself!

If all money is joint are you not just buying your own present?

Why would he want to spend his birthday without his family? How odd.

Totally agree with this. Talk to him.

But the punishing bit is awful.

It sounds nice what you did but unremarkable. Maybe he wanted something exciting to have been planned.

But young children and 4 month old and you not being mind reader, what could you do.

You understand she gave birth 4 months ago??

Honestly I would expect a bit more effort from a partner for a "big" birthday.

I find the £200 weird
It's not exactly a personal or thoughtful present and given you've got kids isn't your money household money anyway? So basically just giving him £200 of his own money back to him?

You've admitted that things like the balloons etc were more for the kids than him and stuff like buying a cake is pretty much the bare minimum for a partners bday! Nobody is going to get excited about socks as a present either!

I understand things might be limited with a baby but 4 months isn't cant be left alone tiny tiny - couldn't you have got someone to babysit for a few hours to at least take him out for the evening? Or you could have planned something for later in the year - £200 would buy tickets for a gig or a night away in a nice hotel or something!

But he has to accept some responsibility - if he wanted something else he should have told you and could have organised some stuff with his friends etc.

How rude!

I am not going to use the word shit but it does sound very underwhelming for a milestone birthday - and I am saying this as someone who had a lockdown 40th!

You get a skiing holiday and he gets socks and money, I can see why he is miffed.

Although the passive aggressive reaction to Mothers Day is a bit pathetic

I don’t think I’ll go on a holiday for my 40th now, it’d probably make him feel like shit again about his.
Will ask my twin if we can just catch up for an afternoon tea instead!! Probably should save the money for something else too.

I think that a lot of men see big birthday celebrations on social media and think "poor me, no one did that for me" with absolutely no understanding that people who have massive 40th birthday bashes either (a) organise it themselves, or (b) have the sort of reciprocal arrangement with friends or family that it's expected that celebrations are organised for the birthday person.

dont be ridiculous, you are 40 in 2yrs. You are planning your own birthday and your DH has nothing to do with it. He chose not to engage with his own- that is his choice. Once you start pandering to his moods you are on a slippery slope

um a little honesty and communication here! Dh I was snappy before because I’ve been upset. it is NOT too late to make up for Mother’s Day, how about weekend after next? I’d really appreciate you making an effort for Mother’s Day and better late than never.