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Original poster

To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

247 replies

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:29

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

OP posts:
KickHimInTheCrotch · 21/03/2023 19:51

I will never understand why grown adults expect a big song and dance about their birthdays. So what he's 40. Big deal. A card, a bit of cake and maybe a pint with his mates. Job done. People expecting others to care about their birthday after the age of 21 are pathetic.

saveforthat · 21/03/2023 19:54

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 19:22

If all money is joint are you not just buying your own present?

Show quote history

Well you could see it like that but we have our own credit cards and the present is purchased secretly and a bit of effort is made so it's a surprise. We may both be buying our own presents but a big thing about birthdays is the effort and thought not the money.

gamerchick · 21/03/2023 20:11

Novatherova · 21/03/2023 19:26

Totally agree with this. Talk to him.

But the punishing bit is awful.

It sounds nice what you did but unremarkable. Maybe he wanted something exciting to have been planned.

But young children and 4 month old and you not being mind reader, what could you do.

Show quote history

He wanted the OP to piss off out with the kids for the day so he could play with his.lego. he just didn't communicate that to the OP.

Sometimes I wonder if people just read the first page before commenting.

People are also weird about money on here as well. Sharing an income doesn't work for everyone.

MummyJ36 · 21/03/2023 20:11

He’s a knob. If my DH did that I’d be livid. I’m sorry but you had a FOUR month old. A four month old that I’m assuming he helped create?! When my DH was 40 our DC1 was young so you know what?? He planned a party for himself and I helped out and got him some presents.

He’s a dick. And I would be telling him that.

piesforever · 21/03/2023 20:22

Midlife crisis from him..."where is my life going" "it's not how I thought" projected on you! Have a rant at him and book a meal out with friends to celebrate. Then move on. Men unfortunately are crap at organising stuff.

Rheia1983 · 21/03/2023 20:27

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 19:41

I don’t think I’ll go on a holiday for my 40th now, it’d probably make him feel like shit again about his.
Will ask my twin if we can just catch up for an afternoon tea instead!! Probably should save the money for something else too.

Show quote history

Why are you pandering to the immature, selfish idiocy of your partner and denying yourself something that you'd enjoy to make him feel justified in his idiocy?

MMUmum · 21/03/2023 20:30

This!

Time4achangeagain · 21/03/2023 20:32

pinkthree · 21/03/2023 11:45

It's probably because it's his 40th and often for milestone birthdays like this people will have a party

Agree with PP it doesn't sound like much was done for his birthday, sorry I know you must be busy with DC but I don't think he is being unreasonable to feel upset

What did you do for the rest of the day after you got back in the morning?

Why didn’t he organise it then?? OP has done loads!

wingingit1987 · 21/03/2023 20:32

I do think it sounds a bit underwhelming for a milestone birthday. The year we both turned 30 we had a 2 year old and a new baby. We went on trips for each of our 30th’s plus got each other fairly “big” gifts.

That being said, he was petty about Mother’s Day.

Whostoleallthenames · 21/03/2023 20:33

@Led921900 ,

I’m sorry you had a rubbish Mother’s Day. I’m guessing you were quite disappointed and expected something, even if it was just a card with handprints and something to open.

Obviously you know you’re husband better than I but I’d suggest, as someone who’s a similar age, extremely introverted and would love a day on my own to play with Lego, the reason he said his birthday was shit was because of the expectation that he’d get time alone and the disappointment that it didn’t materialise.

I think only one other person in this entire thread has noted that some people need time, some more than others. Your husband didn’t want a big party, nor did he really want to see his friends on Saturday night. He wanted to potter around his own space without anyone bothering him.

I think it can be hard for some people to accept that their loved ones don’t want them around. My wife still knows intellectually that I need space but emotionally still feels like rejection.

Having said all that, clearly he was a total bellend telling you his birthday was shit and dropping the ball on Mother’s Day, no question there.

But I wouldn’t cancel plans for skiing for your birthday, if he’s generally decent like you say, I doubt he’d begrudge you going away and enjoying yourself.

Lineofbestfit · 21/03/2023 20:34

I’m quite shocked at the fuss some people clearly expect for birthdays nowadays. Surely a little family gathering and the balloons/cake/banners etc are fine!

I think you did great, the kids saw you make a fuss and he’s having a day with his mate in London. He’s being pathetic.

FYI my husband turned 40 when our second DD was 3 weeks old. That was his present as far as I’m concerned! They are a considerable effort!

Codlingmoths · 21/03/2023 20:35

What?? Just go on holiday for your 4th for fucks sake. He’s being a pathetic child. He had a 4 month old, you did lots, he was petty and deliberately didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day, and your solution is to decide you had better never do anything nice because it might make him realise he’s being pathetic. Go with your twin. Tell him nice things happen to people who get off their bum and organise them, you’d have HATED it if I’d organised you a party so if you wanted something you should have used your words. I really tried and frankly you treated me like crap. That’s not happening here for my birthday as I’m looking after myself.

martyrs never get the fun stuff, just get to sit in their misery. While if you go be an amazing person and demand fair treatment from your partner they might respect and appreciate you more.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 20:43

Whostoleallthenames · 21/03/2023 20:33

@Led921900 ,

I’m sorry you had a rubbish Mother’s Day. I’m guessing you were quite disappointed and expected something, even if it was just a card with handprints and something to open.

Obviously you know you’re husband better than I but I’d suggest, as someone who’s a similar age, extremely introverted and would love a day on my own to play with Lego, the reason he said his birthday was shit was because of the expectation that he’d get time alone and the disappointment that it didn’t materialise.

I think only one other person in this entire thread has noted that some people need time, some more than others. Your husband didn’t want a big party, nor did he really want to see his friends on Saturday night. He wanted to potter around his own space without anyone bothering him.

I think it can be hard for some people to accept that their loved ones don’t want them around. My wife still knows intellectually that I need space but emotionally still feels like rejection.

Having said all that, clearly he was a total bellend telling you his birthday was shit and dropping the ball on Mother’s Day, no question there.

But I wouldn’t cancel plans for skiing for your birthday, if he’s generally decent like you say, I doubt he’d begrudge you going away and enjoying yourself.

I do understand his introversion I am a bit myself. He does have fun around people but it uses up all his energy and isn’t a ‘rest’ for him.
what bothers me is he asked for a lie in… and for me not to organise anything. I did both those so I thought his expectations had been met. Us all clearing off this Saturday has cheered him up and hopefully he’ll get a chance to recharge from all the family stuff (though I do wonder when I’ll get a chance to recharge myself!).

The skiing stuff might be taken out my hands, my twin suggested it with my older sister coming too… shes got a lot more money than we have so I think she wanted to maybe pay for it? But she’ll clear everything with DH first. She can’t ski… she just likes the apres ski scene! Which sounds up my street for a 40th!!

OP posts:
Blackbird2020 · 21/03/2023 20:44

He punished you for having what he thought was a “shit birthday.”?!

Why are you focussed on whether it was ‘shit’ or not, when it’s completely subjective and not really the problem.

The problem here is your husband’s calculating punishment of you. What a disgusting man. I know children who wouldn’t even stoop to those levels…

Chismeando · 21/03/2023 20:46

Depending on how you said it up him, it sounds like you're both whinging at each other.
For him to try and lay all the 'shit' birthday on you though is totally unreasonable and immature on his part.

derbylass81 · 21/03/2023 20:47

MiddleParking · 21/03/2023 12:02

This all sounds so depressing. His birthday does sound awful but that’s his fault as well as yours. Are you sure he’s usually nice?

His birthday sounds "awful"? Hmm

This place is like another planet sometimes.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 21/03/2023 20:53

Not sure why this keeps coming up. He wanted an iPhone or a Lego set. So I gave him money towards it. He needs to choose his own… what if I got him an iPhone he didn’t like or Lego he already has?

This doesn't make him sound any less of a teenager to be honest.

Whostoleallthenames · 21/03/2023 20:56

You need to take time to recharge yourself, though I know that’s a big ask with a four month old and the others.

I really feel for you. We’ve got 2 kids and even at 5 and 3 they just suck the energy from you. Adding a tiny one as well is beyond my comprehension. Especially as you don’t have family nearby as well. It’s just not the same with the in-laws.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 20:57

Blackbird2020 · 21/03/2023 20:44

He punished you for having what he thought was a “shit birthday.”?!

Why are you focussed on whether it was ‘shit’ or not, when it’s completely subjective and not really the problem.

The problem here is your husband’s calculating punishment of you. What a disgusting man. I know children who wouldn’t even stoop to those levels…

Not sure it was punishment per se. I asked why he hadn’t got me anything for Mother’s Day, especially after I’d tried to make his birthday special and he just said “but my birthday was shit.” So not cause and effect directly.
It was a total surprise to me he thought his birthday was shit, I thought we’d had a really nice weekend. He’d got his lie in and presents he wasn’t expecting.
I guess a normal adult birthday would be a lie in-cake-card and a couple of presents. He made me feel like a right twonk after I’d been running around in the rain with the buggy wrangling presents, wrapping paper and big ‘40’ balloons I thought were fun 🙈.

OP posts:
Whostoleallthenames · 21/03/2023 20:59

I’m curious here.

Is it the Lego or iPhone that makes him sound like a teenager?

What would make him sound more manly?

Isthisit22 · 21/03/2023 20:59

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 19:41

I don’t think I’ll go on a holiday for my 40th now, it’d probably make him feel like shit again about his.
Will ask my twin if we can just catch up for an afternoon tea instead!! Probably should save the money for something else too.

Show quote history

Don’t be such a martyr! You did nothing wrong and I’m amazed at all of these responses.
a woman came on here complaining she got something she was actually allergic to for a present from her DH and the handmaidens on here told her she should be grateful. Now people are telling you you should have done more than cake, presents, etc. ridiculous.
I don’t think you should have given in to his sulks and arranged more. You’ve just rewarded him for treating you like shit on mothers’ day.

Hellybelly84 · 21/03/2023 21:00

MasterBeth · 21/03/2023 11:38

Honestly, it doesn't sound amazing for a special birthday. You gave him cash like he was a teenager? You two and the baby have done somethign really nice together on the big day with 200 quid.

What a horrible message!

Sign of the times when doing lots of little thoughtful things to make it special (plus a big amount of money of £200 which he asked for) plus encouraging him to have a night out isnt enough. It sounds like she went to lots of trouble and he couldn’t be arsed to text a few friends to sort a night out and is now in a grump.

Do nothing for his next birthday/Fathers Day unless he apologises.

Isthisit22 · 21/03/2023 21:00

Blackbird2020 · 21/03/2023 20:44

He punished you for having what he thought was a “shit birthday.”?!

Why are you focussed on whether it was ‘shit’ or not, when it’s completely subjective and not really the problem.

The problem here is your husband’s calculating punishment of you. What a disgusting man. I know children who wouldn’t even stoop to those levels…

This

ort1gia · 21/03/2023 21:03

How can you 'give' your own husband money?? This makes no sense.

Codlingmoths · 21/03/2023 21:05

Not sure it was punishment per se. I asked why he hadn’t got me anything for Mother’s Day, especially after I’d tried to make his birthday special and he just said “but my birthday was shit.” So not cause and effect directly.

I’m sorry what? How is that not DIRECTLY cause and effect?!