To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

[Led921900]

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

I hate people who expect other people to organise loads of fun things and events for the birthday. If you want to party or something organise it yourself. He’s not a child although he does sound like it!!

What a little jerk your h is. And why give him a wad of cash and so many presents and everything else you did? That was a mistake on your part.

He didn’t even care about Mother’s Day. Then he complained that your very presence ruined his birthday. What in Hades??

He needs a metaphorical kick in the behind. You need to correct this imbalance in your relationship, Op.

Ergh. He sounds like a spoilt brat with a guilty conscience about doing nothing on Mother's Day. You have a small baby and two other children. He needs to suck it up!

It sounds like he wanted to be disappointed. Did he know about your 40th plans before his birthday? I wonder if he's jealous that you've already made long term (albeit vague) plans with your sister and he wishes he had done the same. So he might have had the mentality that an extended family gathering or darts night wouldn't be as good as skiing and therefore he didn't bother. That's on him.

I don’t get this expectation for huge dos for 0 birthdays. Do most people really expect other people to arrange big things for an every ten year birthday.

I must go and argue with Dh as we are a curry take away for my 30th the mean old party pooper clearly.

He said don’t do anything, he told his mum do nothing. He got cute from kiddie presents and £200 from his wife. £200 to pick any Lego or whatever he wants or to put towards a new phone and it’s shit??! People live on other planets I swear.

Also ops planning something with her twin sister for her 40th so you know taking the bill by the horns unlike the childish husband who wanted nothing but then complained.

If I arrange a big do belatedly now for his 40th it wouldn’t go down well. Does anyone here think a Star Wars loving Lego fanatic sounds like the life of the party?! Believe me when I say he is not 😂😂😂.

If I were to make it up to him it would be me and the kids clearing out for the day so he had some time to chill but that might be a struggle with all three of them.

We’re meeting his parent Saturday afternoon so I might suggest I take the kids on my own and he can fill his boots playing Lego.

for Day to day stuff he is thoughtful, settles the baby for me after a feed, gets the other two up and dressed whilst I’m feeding baby and puts my breakfast and coffee out for me etc. He works from home and on the lunch hour takes the baby off me so I can have a break…
He’s rubbish at cards/gifts so Mother’s Day was a let down but somewhat predictable. But didn’t mean he had to put down his birthday stuff.

I don't think I'd bother trying to make it up to him now.

He obviously felt unappreciated from what he felt was a lack of effort on his birthday, whether you feel you made enough effort or not. So in turn he has done f all for Mother's Day to make you feel unappreciated.

I think it may be better to just have a honest chat with him about how you feel about the whole situation and how you can move forward. You can't go back and change what's happened and I think trying to now would be quite uncomfortable situation.

It's hard when you've got such young DC to make the other feel loved and appreciated but I think maybe this is what is lacking at the moment in your relationship and you should try and put some time aside for yourselves together if at all possible and reconnect

Just my opinion from what's been shared, I could be completely off the mark

From your last update OP, it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong at all then - as he wouldn't have liked a big do anyway.

If he's otherwise kind, is it anything to do with turning 40? I know it's a cliche but I genuinely did feel a bit despondent for a few weeks when I turned 40

Ive spoken to his parents and they’re okay helping me with the three kids on Saturday afternoon.
So for not getting me a Mother’s Day present he’s wangled himself a Saturday afternoon off. But time to himself is all he seemed to need for his 40th.

Hope he enjoys it! If he likes it enough he’s welcome to 182 days off a year 😆🤣.

It can be so hard when you have such young children to find the time or the motivation to make your birthdays a huge special event! If he wanted something specific to happen he should have said, but it sounds like he didn’t want you or his mum to organise anything, so what were you supposed to do?

For my 40th we had talked about a spa weekend away, no kids etc, but I was heavily pregnant with DC3 and in agony, so we just had a nice day together and lunch out. My husbands 40th the following year was spent looking after me and the kids as I had just had surgery, so we had a belated lunch out when I was up and about. But neither of us are overly bothered about doing anything massive for our own birthdays.

I would just ask him what had he been expecting for his birthday. If he was thinking a weekend away or doing a particular activity then you could look at organising that, or as you say he may just want a day alone (which sounds like heaven to me as well😄)

If he likes it enough he’s welcome to 182 days off a year

I know you put 😂 after this but what does this mean, exactly?

There seems to be a subtext that you're not happy with him (you're the higher earner, cash gift, etc) even tho you aren't saying this.

Do you mean you'd like to separate or am I getting this wrong?

I mean if he’s so desperate to have time on his own he’s welcome to it?! I think a few hours of me time on your birthday when you have a couple of kids is understandable after that not wanting to spend time with your immediate family on a special occasion seems a bit cold to me, and not what I want in a husband.

(BTW I don’t mind being the higher earner, his job brings in enough and he loves the company he works for, his job and his colleagues most of the time, you can’t put a price on that can you. Unless he was reckless with money -gambling it away, getting into debt- who earns what would not factor in my decision of wanting to be with someone or not.

I think he sounds like an ungrateful cunt, personally.

And what kind of a spiteful twat deliberately does fuck all for Mother’s Day because he’s in a strop for doing fuck all for his own birthday, after banning others from planning anything?

Yeah that’s what I thought but let’s hope that balloons, socks, aftershave, chocolate, shirt, puzzle, £200, take away, lie in, afternoon in London with me and the baby, a weekend off the older two, this Friday in London to have lunch with his mate AND a Saturday afternoon to himself is enough to make me worthy of a Mother’s Day present next time. 🙄

He's being a complete arse about it. I think what all you did was lovely with giving him a variety of thing including, gifts, money, time alone, dinner out.

If he wanted a party or trip or something like that, he could have said something ages ago. It's not like he didn't know his birthday was coming!

The part wher your DD wanted to get you a cake for MD and he refused was especially cruel to a little child.

Has he finished with his strop yet?

It's the fact he's labelled his ineptitude as your punishment that gets me. He sounds generally like a decent bloke, but punishing me for what he perceives as me not being good enough isn't something I could just let go.

Really? Or isn't a sorrow, it isn't a party that needs complex logistics, it's him going down the pub with his mates.

Perhaps OP should call up their wives and clear it with each other to let the men go out for a play date🙄

Yeah don’t you think it’s a bit desperate if I text them and say “will you go out with him?” I think that’s why he didn’t want me organising anything.
In talking about it all it’s not an ‘event’ he feels like he missed out on but the alone time. An event is a red herring. He’s perked up now he’s got Saturday afternoon off. Of course then he said “I guess it’s a bit late to make up for Mother’s Day then.”
Yes, it fucking is.

He’s perked up now he’s got Saturday afternoon off. Of course then he said “I guess it’s a bit late to make up for Mother’s Day then.”
Yes, it fucking is.

Why is it? You're making up for his shit birthday so let him make up for your shit Mother's Day.

Why have you asked here if you’re so convinced you’re in the right? You’ve had a real mixed bag of responses, OP, but only seem to be taking on board the ones agreeing with you.
I think responses will be split largely between people so “do” birthdays and people who don’t. Honestly? His 40th sounds shit, and IMO what you did was a bog standard birthday, not a huge milestone.
You’ve asked “what would others have done?” Personally, I’d have invited friends round to the house and done a party at home. Much more of a low key event than a proper function but still made a fuss and made it special, get some food catered, good music and wine and beer flowing.
You day your husband didn’t want a party or a fuss…well obviously he did.
If I were you, and I usually had s good relationship with my husband, I’d be heartbroken that he felt underwhelmed and let down by his birthday. I’d have a heartfelt chat and try and understand his perspective, and try and make up for it next year. My husband would do the same for me, I’m certain of it.

I think there has clearly been a lack of communication here somewhere about his expectations vs your plans.
But honestly, yeah I think I would be really disappointed with that for my 40th birthday. It is a real milestone birthday. I had a similar aged DC on my husband's 30th and we still went all out for it. But it is hard to judge as an outsider because I know people feel differently about birthdays and some aren't bothered. But personally, I would be hurt by the lack of effort/fuss. It sounds like the day passed with very little over and above a normal day out together apart from a few balloons and a bit of a lie in??

I'd be heartbroken that he felt underwhelmed

😆😆😆 I'd tell him to get a fucking grip and sort his own birthday out instead of expecting his wife to read his mind.

Then that’s a real shame. I’m glad my relationship isn’t like yours.

I think I know my husband better than you. He’s a real introvert. A house full of people would literally be his worst nightmare even if they’re his friends and family.
I have listened to dissenting posts, talked to him and to make up for it he’s asked for time alone. So I’ve arranged that on Saturday afternoon. Not something I had in place before posting this, and now he’s looking forward to his weekend so guess that did the job.
Previously he’s only asked me for a lie in, which he got. I’m not a mind reader I didn’t drag him into London for lunch on his birthday. If he wanted time alone instead he should have said then.