To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

[Led921900]

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

This is what we do for birthdays

Several months before, we say that we would like to do X, Y, Z

We check the budget

We book time off work

Then we plan

Then we enjoy

No disappointments

Your partner is ungrateful

Okay, I have to ask: the Lego. Once these sets have been built... then what? Are they just displayed? Taken apart, and packed back into the box? Are they ever re-built? I don't get it.

You made no effort whatsoever!

I would find what you did insulting. I definitely would not be making any effort for Mother’s / Fathers Day if I had been handed cash on my milestone birthday. I can go to the bank and extract cash if I want it. Lazy, unthoughtful, uncaring. To be honest, the two of you seem to dislike each other thoroughly and I don’t even know why you are married.

Op you are getting a rough deal here. You recently had a baby, you have 3 kids and you are not a mind reader. If he wanted something specific he should have said . Also who wants to spend their birthday alone and not with those they love. If he wanted an afternoon to do lego surely he could have that separately. He sounds like an ungrateful git. And if it's feasible you absolutely should go skiing for your 40th. Why should you miss out on do what you want?

I spent my 40th birthday at home drinking champagne and eating hot dogs with a relative and was as happy as a clam 😳

Oddly enough that was my favourite ever birthday, just getting birthday wishes texts from friends.

OP it seems strange he was so grumpy, do his friends have more 'occasion' type birthdays? You need to talk to him about why he was so grumpy

Mother’s Day is unrelated to birthdays in my opinion. I think it was spiteful and childish not to get you cards from the children at least. It’s for you and them nothing to do with the his view of what effort you made for his birthday. He’s punishing the kids unfairly.

I think many of us have had big birthdays where we didn’t have the mental energy to arrange something and then regretted it after. Putting it all on you is unfair.

I also remember the 4 month mark with a newborn. I think we were at our rattiest and most tired and were hyper critical of everything and had started to slide into competitive tiredness.

by all means go skiing but I think you two could do with a weekend away from the kids even in 6 months time if you can sort one between family and/or a professional. Or somewhere with childcare on tap for a few hours so you can do both.

*You made no effort whatsoever!

I would find what you did insulting. I definitely would not be making any effort for Mother’s / Fathers Day if I had been handed cash on my milestone birthday. I can go to the bank and extract cash if I want it. Lazy, unthoughtful, uncaring. To be honest, the two of you seem to dislike each other thoroughly and I don’t even know why you are married.*

You OK hun

No effort! Surely you're joking.

She could have completely forgotten about his bd and sent him a belated oopsie hb text the next day like many many men seem to do and that's perfectly fine.

Good grief!

Please don't let this sulky manchild ruin your future birthday.

I can tell by your subsequent posts he's really done a number on you.

By sulking and criticizing your effort he's been rewarded with an extra day this Saturday all to himself.

Meanwhile, he's still done nothing for your mother's day and has zero intention of doing anything. And also, he's nearly succeeded in thwarting your birthday trip with your sister than hasn't even happened yet and is 2 years away!!

These are not the actions of a nice man!

I'm guessing this is just the tip of what he's really like.

So, we had another chat this morning. He’s said he’s going to book a day off work rather than have Saturday off as that way it’d be a normal day for me and the baby and he would get some time to himself… and he wants to join us on our Saturday plans (we are going to the lambing day at our local city farm).

He’s sorry he dropped the ball on Mother’s Day and asked to make it up to me but I’ve said no because it would feel a bit fake now, but told him not to feckin do it again because of the fallout!! He’s mortified I think it’s some sort of retribution for his birthday, apparently it wasn’t.

He’s happy with whatever I decide to do for my 40th and knows it’ll be different in 2 years as kids will be older etc. He was talking about going for a weekend to Rome at Easter in 2 years as a combined 40th trip for both of us but we’ll need to see how feasible that is with the kids (or without them!).

He made the point that we’ve been surviving the first 4 months of three kids and that if we can we should make time to give each other a break. Not a break to do laundry or cook a meal but an actual few hours off everything, every once in a while, whilst the other takes the lead for a bit. I have to agree with him on that one. The last 4 months have been a blur.

Hope the birthday and Mother’s Day drama can blow over soon!

I'm glad you've talked and he's apologised OP. That's really positive!

Fingers crossed for Rome 2025!

Sounds good OP.

Comments defending his behaviour are part of the problem when it comes to men behaving like man children.

Glad he’s apologised. Let’s hope he’s not expecting a red carpet on Father’s Day though like he was for his birthday 🙄.

He made the point that we’ve been surviving the first 4 months of three kids and that if we can we should make time to give each other a break. Not a break to do laundry or cook a meal but an actual few hours off everything, every once in a while, whilst the other takes the lead for a bit. I have to agree with him on that one. The last 4 months have been a blur.
great talk op, although you should have taken him up on the Mother’s Day redo. It’s good practice for him to actually make an effort.
BUT, re the above about you should both get a break, when is he planning to give you a break? Or does he really mean another round of no fair I wanted more, so you need to put in more effort and give me more of a break? At 4 months I started to be able to leave baby for a couple of hours and go out, I’m just saying…

I guess since I've been single for almost a decade and the last time a partner has done something meaningful for me for my birthday was decades ago - this sounds like a nice birthday to me. And I don't know why because it's his 40th it has to be done any different than any other birthday. I would've loved that some thought went into it, but again I've not had anyone celebrate my birthday in many years so I may be too easy to please.

It sounds like you made a good call with the gift. I see no issue with cash if it's towards something specific (me and my partner also have separate accounts). He needs to grow up and realise if he wanted something particular he should have told you as you're not psychic and being with a small baby, have little time to think about such things.

Oh don't martyr yourself op. He isn't going to get PTSD if you go on holiday with your sister and I think it would make you a pretty crap sister

Yo sis, y'know how we WERE going skiing? Well, DH didn't like his birthday present so let's do afternoon tea!

If he let's you do this, he actually is a dick.

What?! No. Don't be ridiculous, don't be a martyr. Do what you want to celebrate your 40th. Go away with your sister if that's what you want to do.

If he's jealous and resentful about it, that's his problem. He could have organised something for his birthday and didn't.

I don't know why you're not more angry with him tbh.

Does he often make you feel as you can never get things right and don't deserve what you want (Mother's Day card, trip away, etc)?

@AnotherEmma at least read her latest update

See this is what DH is like normally… Dd 5 wants the Barbie twinkle lights doll that’s being advertised. We said she could save up for it in by earning money going to her swimming lessons (she’s really gone off them recently) and help in tidying her room.
So tonight he’s made her a tracker poster she can keep in her room and a little heart marker with blue tack that we can move up. Impromptu of nothing. (DD’s name blacked out).
So normally he is quite sweet!

Oh that's so cute @Led921900!!!