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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

247 replies

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:29

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 21/03/2023 17:01

I'm curious. What constitutes a non-shit birthday?
M m

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/03/2023 17:08

I think the OP isnt responding to the replies disagreeing with her as those replies are based on 'that sounds like a shit birthday, you should have done [something he specifically told the OP not to do] or had a big bash / party [which the OP has said would be her introverted husbands idea of hell]

OP you dis everything you could with 2 kids and a baby and a husband who didnt want you to do anything.

To quibble about a lie in that's 20 min less than promised and then not get you anything for mothers day as a punishment for doing what he asked is mean and petty in the extreme. And the 'making up for mothers day' now you've 'made up for his birthday' is pathetic. I think you need a proper chat about this and to make him understand how much he has upset you

Prettybutdumb · 21/03/2023 17:10

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:50

Lego. It’s his hobby and he has expensive sets he hasn’t built. 🙈

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You married a child, a really selfish one. He turned 40 and you ruined his dream birthday - playing at home alone. Bloody hell!

Ibizamumof4 · 21/03/2023 17:11

Aww it’s hard knowing what to do for a big birthday I know it makes me feel a bit weird. I think he just didn’t communicate or know what he wanted I agree it would of been nice for you to actually do something even if just lunch out or a takeaway with friends around maybe try and plan something for in a few months time when baby is a bit older.

Theseliesdontcunt · 21/03/2023 17:14

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/03/2023 12:45

I'm a little Hmm about the money thing. You have three kids together yet have separate money? I don't understand how that works.

If he wanted something specific for his 40th he should have said. Someone uptrend said a party but I'd be pissed off if I got a party so the only way to know what someone wants is to talk about it.

Agree with this.

AllOfThemWitches · 21/03/2023 17:14

Singularity82 · 21/03/2023 16:47

Then that’s a real shame. I’m glad my relationship isn’t like yours.

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My partner would never behave like OP's , I pity you if yours does !

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 17:15

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/03/2023 17:08

I think the OP isnt responding to the replies disagreeing with her as those replies are based on 'that sounds like a shit birthday, you should have done [something he specifically told the OP not to do] or had a big bash / party [which the OP has said would be her introverted husbands idea of hell]

OP you dis everything you could with 2 kids and a baby and a husband who didnt want you to do anything.

To quibble about a lie in that's 20 min less than promised and then not get you anything for mothers day as a punishment for doing what he asked is mean and petty in the extreme. And the 'making up for mothers day' now you've 'made up for his birthday' is pathetic. I think you need a proper chat about this and to make him understand how much he has upset you

I think he’s realised. His Mum is upset now too as our two eldest had the run ragged when they took them for the weekend to give him a break (they’re 2 and 5). She feels like he hasn’t really appreciated that. So he’s upset his wife and mum and could’ve all been avoided.

You’re right the posts I’d agree with would probably be “OP his 40th sounds a bit shit, why didn’t you take yourself and baby away for two days too then he would’ve been completely alone for his 40th” which sounds like what he wanted. 🤪

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/03/2023 17:15

There's nothing wrong with wanting the house to yourself. Acting like a spoilt child because nobody is a mind reader is. Punishments and all that shit is out of order.

I'd be having stern words about the future and communication.

Singularity82 · 21/03/2023 17:15

Never did I claim to know your husband better than you. In your OP you state he’s usually a kind husband. Your further posts come across that you don’t like him very much at all. What a mess.
”AIBU to think DH should have appreciated his birthday?”
Yes IMO you are.

Singularity82 · 21/03/2023 17:17

AllOfThemWitches · 21/03/2023 17:14

My partner would never behave like OP's , I pity you if yours does !

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Mine would never act tit for tat and give me a shit Mother’s Day. But I’d never give him a shit 40th so 🤷🏻‍♀️ there you go.
Also we communicate with each other, and are considerate of each others feelings. Unlike you and yours by the sound of it. What a shame for you.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 17:21

Theseliesdontcunt · 21/03/2023 17:14

Agree with this.

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I find ppl really weird about money on mumsnet.

We have a joint account and we each put a proportion of our wage into it to make up our monthly outgoings. That covers- mortgage, bills, childcare, food, monthly disposable income. The proportion is based on what we’re both bringing in.

Then I put some of the rest of my money into a savings and holiday account, he has access to that account. The rest we have is our disposable income to spend on ourselves. That way I don’t criticise the money he’s spending on Lego etc, he doesn’t criticise the money I spend on myself. It’s not much might be £100-£200 we end up keeping for ourselves each month. It’s out of effectively my own money he got his birthday money. Our joint accounts were not touched.
If I tried to buy Lego for him I’d have no idea what sets he already has/wants etc.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 21/03/2023 17:22

Singularity82 · 21/03/2023 17:17

Mine would never act tit for tat and give me a shit Mother’s Day. But I’d never give him a shit 40th so 🤷🏻‍♀️ there you go.
Also we communicate with each other, and are considerate of each others feelings. Unlike you and yours by the sound of it. What a shame for you.

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Oh dear, why do you feel the need to come onto mumsnet and bang on about your supposedly amazing relationship? I smell bullshit.

Oldnproud · 21/03/2023 17:26

OP, imo there is no excuse for your OH's reaction over his birthday/mothers day. I think that what you did for him was perfectly ok in the circumstances.

So, not an excuse for him, but a possible explanation: reaching 40 hits some people very hard. However young you still feel, you know deep down that you're nor really young any more. It isn't a big milestone for nothing.
Could he have been feeling genuinely depressed about it, and taken it out on you?

RobertsRadio · 21/03/2023 17:30

I'm still fuming at him refusing his daughter's request to buy a cake for her mummy for Mothering Sunday. Fuck him and fuck his 40th birthday.

DonnaBanana · 21/03/2023 17:30

Most couples with young kids see their birthday as a family occasion

Does it heck.. spa day please and no kids. I want a break on my birthday not more of every other weekend.

JMSA · 21/03/2023 17:32

It sounds like a very mediocre 40th to me - sorry OP.

Singularity82 · 21/03/2023 17:34

AllOfThemWitches · 21/03/2023 17:22

Oh dear, why do you feel the need to come onto mumsnet and bang on about your supposedly amazing relationship? I smell bullshit.

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Being considerate of each others feelings is “amazing”? Nope, pretty normal amongst people I know irl. Raise your standards, love.

Sapphire387 · 21/03/2023 17:34

All of you saying it sounds like a shit birthday sound like really hard work, honestly.

DappledThings · 21/03/2023 17:38

Sapphire387 · 21/03/2023 17:34

All of you saying it sounds like a shit birthday sound like really hard work, honestly.

Agreed. He got presents, a small fuss as he wanted (OP has confirmed more than once he didn't want a big party), he's had some time on his own, now getting more time on his own just as he's wanted and had a lunch with family. I have one friend who had a big 40th party, everyone else has done normal stuff like OP.

I don't get anyone thinking it's an underwhelming effort. Especially when he's said all he wanted was time off from his family.

AllOfThemWitches · 21/03/2023 17:41

Singularity82 · 21/03/2023 17:34

Being considerate of each others feelings is “amazing”? Nope, pretty normal amongst people I know irl. Raise your standards, love.

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It's sweet that you're so concerned but in my relationship, it's the everyday things that count. My partner is happy spending his birthday with me and doesn't throw a tantrum when he doesn't get a cake and a party. 😆 Thankfully, many on this thread agree that OP's husband has behaved like a twat so i know I'm not in a parallel universe.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 17:43

Oldnproud · 21/03/2023 17:26

OP, imo there is no excuse for your OH's reaction over his birthday/mothers day. I think that what you did for him was perfectly ok in the circumstances.

So, not an excuse for him, but a possible explanation: reaching 40 hits some people very hard. However young you still feel, you know deep down that you're nor really young any more. It isn't a big milestone for nothing.
Could he have been feeling genuinely depressed about it, and taken it out on you?

Maybe. I’m dreading my 40th but having a twin helps, you’ve literally got someone going through everything with you at the same time (or in our case 6 minutes later!)

OP posts:
PenguinLove1 · 21/03/2023 17:52

I know you are saying what else could you have done, but you did mention in your first post you ran about for a week before which sounds as if it was all a bit last minute.

My family are big on presents so we would have bought a more meaningful present and went on holiday for a big birthday.

Would he have like a night or weekend away, voucher for a trip somewhere , theres a star wars convention in London in April could you have bought him tickets for that? Or lego do personalised kits of peoples faces, you could have got a kit of him, or the kids!

I know its hard with young kids and a baby but it probably just felt a bit flat on the day for him, thats more a normal birthday and he maybe didnt realise until the time that a fuss would have been nice. No excuse for being rubbish to you on mothers day though.

raspberrywine · 21/03/2023 17:56

MiddleParking · 21/03/2023 12:02

This all sounds so depressing. His birthday does sound awful but that’s his fault as well as yours. Are you sure he’s usually nice?

It's not the OPs fault he couldn't get his arse into gear with regards to going out with his mates. The rest of what the OP did sounds nice. She did her best.

Geppili · 21/03/2023 18:03

Manchild

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 18:07

PenguinLove1 · 21/03/2023 17:52

I know you are saying what else could you have done, but you did mention in your first post you ran about for a week before which sounds as if it was all a bit last minute.

My family are big on presents so we would have bought a more meaningful present and went on holiday for a big birthday.

Would he have like a night or weekend away, voucher for a trip somewhere , theres a star wars convention in London in April could you have bought him tickets for that? Or lego do personalised kits of peoples faces, you could have got a kit of him, or the kids!

I know its hard with young kids and a baby but it probably just felt a bit flat on the day for him, thats more a normal birthday and he maybe didnt realise until the time that a fuss would have been nice. No excuse for being rubbish to you on mothers day though.

He’s got tickets for April already.
I didn’t know Lego did sets of faces that’s hilarious!!! I’m not into it myself so don’t really know. I’ll see what I can do there.

The kids sleepover and family meal were all arranged in advance and he just asked for a lie in. He knew he was getting some money towards an iPhone/Lego. The other presents basically were me running around trying to make it as special as possible with a dh who didn’t want any sort of party or event organised 🤷🏻‍♀️.

OP posts: