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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

247 replies

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:29

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 21/03/2023 12:02

This all sounds so depressing. His birthday does sound awful but that’s his fault as well as yours. Are you sure he’s usually nice?

lazycats · 21/03/2023 12:02

Plus he didn't do shit for mother's day either.

An annual celebration (that many accept has dubious origins anyway) isn't really comparable to a once in a lifetime birthday milestone.

However, as the OP has suggested, it sounds like the husband's just pissed off he failed to organise anything for himself and taken it out on her.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/03/2023 12:03

MiddleParking · 21/03/2023 12:02

This all sounds so depressing. His birthday does sound awful but that’s his fault as well as yours. Are you sure he’s usually nice?

Why does it sound awful?

IWasFunBeforeMum · 21/03/2023 12:05

What a prick.

BreviloquentBastard · 21/03/2023 12:06

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:59

Maybe he just meant I sit with the baby in the living room. Thing is I came back with elevenses, then I said do you want to go into town and he said yes. So we had a really nice few hours with the baby in London, grabbed a take away lunch came home and watched a film. He never said he wanted to be on his own at any point! Lol.

Show quote history

He's just using it as an excuse for being useless on mother's day then. What a prat. Tell him he's 40 years of age, if he wants something he needs to use his big boy words and ask for it, not agree to everything happily and then passive aggressively take it out on you later because you're not Mystic fucking Meg.

Unluckyfourpercent · 21/03/2023 12:07

BreviloquentBastard · 21/03/2023 11:54

Why do you and baby have to be out of the house for him to sit around on his arse playing with Lego?

I’m guessing Lego could be a code word for watching p0rn and having a wank 🤣

emptythelitterbox · 21/03/2023 12:08

BreviloquentBastard · 21/03/2023 11:54

Why do you and baby have to be out of the house for him to sit around on his arse playing with Lego?

Probably so he could watch porn and wank all day.

pictoosh · 21/03/2023 12:09

He’s just doing that thing of deflecting his wrongdoing and making it about yours while he assumes the role of the poor soul instead. It’s to make you question yourself and most importantly, shut up about his unreciprocated lack of care.
It has worked too because here you are feeling guilty and small about his birthday despite actually going to quite some effort for him.

2013isback · 21/03/2023 12:11

His birthday was disappointing in large part because of bad communication and unclear or differing expectations, not because you forgot about/ignored it or didn't make any effort. But Mother's Day is really for the children to do something for you. As they're too young to organise something on their own, his role as their dad is to help them out/do it for them, at least in the baby's case. It's not just you that's impacted when he doesn't bother at all.

Appleass · 21/03/2023 12:14

You sure he hadn't turned 14 not 40 !!!!

TempNCforthis · 21/03/2023 12:15

To be honest I think any man who doesn't treat his wife well on mother's day, particularly when she has young children, even more particularly if she has a new baby, is a very selfish and unkind man.

gamerchick · 21/03/2023 12:16

What does he do for your birthday OP?

MiddleParking · 21/03/2023 12:18

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/03/2023 12:03

Why does it sound awful?

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A pile of what sounds like stocking fillers, £200 in cash and a lie in until 9:40am is a bleak 40th birthday present in my opinion. But then I wouldn’t want my kids and spouse away from me on a big birthday, I’d want to do something special as a family.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 12:20

My eldest DD asked him to get me a cake for Mother’s Day… she’s 5. He did not.
He is nice normally. I’m not feeling guilty but I am feeling hurt he could say something so mean.

Maybe it’s a drip feed but in two years I’m 40 and my twin sister asked if I wanted to go skiing with her for a few days midweek after our 40th. Obviously we’ll see closer to the time how the kids are as youngest will be 2 but he has his parents to help him (my family don’t live nearby). And the older ones will be in school, 2 year old with childminder during the week so it might work out.

But he’s throwing that in my face saying I’ll be going skiing for my 40th and he just got little presents. But I will be organising the ski trip myself and stuff and only if he is okay with the kids!

The thing that’s annoyed me the most is it’s all we’re going to remember about his 40th now… how shit he thinks it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 12:21

MiddleParking · 21/03/2023 12:18

A pile of what sounds like stocking fillers, £200 in cash and a lie in until 9:40am is a bleak 40th birthday present in my opinion. But then I wouldn’t want my kids and spouse away from me on a big birthday, I’d want to do something special as a family.

Show quote history

On Sunday when we went to pick up the kids we had a birthday meal and another cake, then he’s out with his best mate all day on Friday.If he wanted a better 40th though… what did he want me to do about it.
He doesn’t like extended family gatherings, I’m not texting his friends about the pub… so he got what he planned, which was nothing, and a few presents from me.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/03/2023 12:24

Sounds like he was expecting a surprise gathering/trip.

I take it he doesn't do bugger all for your birthday then

TempNCforthis · 21/03/2023 12:25

A pile of what sounds like stocking fillers, £200 in cash and a lie in until 9:40am is a bleak 40th birthday present in my opinion. But then I wouldn’t want my kids and spouse away from me on a big birthday, I’d want to do something special as a family.

She is on maternity leave. It's clear she doesn't have the money for a bigger present. She has a four month old baby as well as other DC. He got a lie in which is more than she's getting, I bet. He couldn't even be bothered arranging to go out to see his own friends.

CantFindTheBeat · 21/03/2023 12:31

TempNCforthis · 21/03/2023 12:15

To be honest I think any man who doesn't treat his wife well on mother's day, particularly when she has young children, even more particularly if she has a new baby, is a very selfish and unkind man.

I agree with this.

OP - what did he do for you on Mother's Day?

CovertImage · 21/03/2023 12:35

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/03/2023 12:03

Why does it sound awful?

Show quote history

Because a birthday banner, balloons, cake, a shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle does sound a bit shit for a 40 year old's birthday. Not that he deserves anything better by the sound of it

TheHouseElf · 21/03/2023 12:37

gamerchick · 21/03/2023 12:24

Sounds like he was expecting a surprise gathering/trip.

I take it he doesn't do bugger all for your birthday then

I get the impression that he wanted something 'bigger' for his 40th too - either a surprise party, or you organised an event like a lad's golfing day, or maybe you got him a Red Letter Day type thing.

He's maybe is saying its shit as people are bound to ask what he did for his 'big birthday', and its pretty samey to any other birthday.

JennyDarlingRIP · 21/03/2023 12:40

I think it's really odd to give your spouse money for a birthday. Surely he has his own money? I think you should've planned something nicer even if it was a meal out for a couple of hours while baby was looked after, or even asked him what he would like to do with his birthday. You could've booked a weekend/night away for when baby is a bit older.
Stocking fillers, a 'lie in' until half nine and some cash isn't exactly an amazing birthday. Skiing will cost a lot more too, so it doesn't feel like an equitable use of family money.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/03/2023 12:45

I'm a little Hmm about the money thing. You have three kids together yet have separate money? I don't understand how that works.

If he wanted something specific for his 40th he should have said. Someone uptrend said a party but I'd be pissed off if I got a party so the only way to know what someone wants is to talk about it.

Ktime · 21/03/2023 12:46

He’s a knob head OP.

Please don’t do anything for Father’s Day.

And organise your 40th so he takes care of the DC and you have a fan time skiing with your sister.

cheatingcrackers · 21/03/2023 12:47

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/03/2023 11:45

I think he's angry at himself for not organising anything with his mates but projecting it onto you. He's probably embarrassed that he failed at Mother's day and so instead of reflecting on it has just gone straight for the defensive.

I think a calm discussion about expectations is a more constructive approach than ignoring father's day.

Totally agree with this. I find special occasions can be tricky for adults when clear expectations aren’t set. Too often someone has something in mind and wants their partner to be a mind reader.

Catspyjamas17 · 21/03/2023 12:48

We have separate money and a joint account for bills and other joint expenses. Quite normal.