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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

247 replies

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:29

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 21/03/2023 13:28

He's a spoilt fucking brat and I'd tell him that too.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 13:28

I was fully set to be on your side and say your DH was being an arse - but the key thing is ... 40th birthday.

That's rubbish for a 40th birthday.

However, he needed to have said broadly what he wanted - a family get-together, a meal out, a big party or like you, a trip away. Then you both could have worked out logistics

Equally, moaning like this isn't on - he's an adult & you've small DC.

But I do think you should have made more effort to mark it.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 13:31

I’m not texting his friends about the pub…

To me this is a bit odd. Usually the spouse does organise the party or celebration - ok not darts & pints down the pub but the event itself.

But again, he needs to give you enough of an indication that this is what he'd like.

MiniCooperLover · 21/03/2023 13:32

I think you did a perfectly nice day for his 40th, he's got three small children. It was never going to be party night at the Palladium with a big band to celebrate (unless that's what he actually requested and it's your type of thing of course). Yes it's his 40th and if he really wanted something other than family stuff, then he should have organised it. You've said there was a family meal. Is there a chance he's fed up with his friends for not putting the effort in and organising something for him and he's taking it out on you? Either way he's being a brat.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 13:38

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 13:28

I was fully set to be on your side and say your DH was being an arse - but the key thing is ... 40th birthday.

That's rubbish for a 40th birthday.

However, he needed to have said broadly what he wanted - a family get-together, a meal out, a big party or like you, a trip away. Then you both could have worked out logistics

Equally, moaning like this isn't on - he's an adult & you've small DC.

But I do think you should have made more effort to mark it.

Can you let me know what you would’ve done?

If he told me not to organise the night with his mates, and he told his Mum not to organise an extended family do, what would else could I have done?
If I get some good suggestions maybe I could organise it next month to make up for his shit birthday?

OP posts:
swuidge · 21/03/2023 13:42

Sounds like a silly man! The fact that some people think that he’s had a rubbish birthday for his 40th is just ridiculous. Giving £200 as a gift regardless of it form (cash (no matter from whom)or otherwise) should be welcomed not shunned.
You have a 4month old baby for goodness sake, plus other children. If he wanted a party planned where were his friends?
I am definitely a firm believer that if you want something specific, then ask for it. No pussy footing about and making people guess, you’re a adult.
But to then go out of your way to use your misery to make someone else miserable on another special occasion is super petty, childish and plain rude.
Be straight with him and tell him he should have been specific if he wants something and pull him up on his behaviour; would it be fair if you had done the same to him if he had planned the same for you?!

topofbighill · 21/03/2023 13:43

Was it his 5th birthday?

lazycats · 21/03/2023 13:44

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 13:38

Can you let me know what you would’ve done?

If he told me not to organise the night with his mates, and he told his Mum not to organise an extended family do, what would else could I have done?
If I get some good suggestions maybe I could organise it next month to make up for his shit birthday?

Show quote history

If he explicitly told you not to organise anything then no, yanbu. I suppose maybe you could have arranged a babysitter and gone for a meal or something but then it sounds like he wouldn’t have even wanted that?

PaperLanterns · 21/03/2023 13:44

Firstly, I can’t believe the rudeness of some of these posters. “Stupid banner” “crap presents” “stocking fillers”. What on earth are you supposed to buy a grown man who, let’s be honest, probably has everything he wants/needs? So rude!

OP, I really struggle with birthdays. My parents made a huge fuss of us on our birthdays, saving up and getting us really nice presents. There wasn’t loads of money when I was growing up so my mum did everything she could to make the day as special as she could for us. I now find as an adult, I get the same anticipation for the birthday and because it can’t actually be a brilliant massive event - which I would hate anyway - I always feel a bit letdown. My best birthdays have been in lockdown because the pressure was taken away.

Maybe speak to him and plan a whole day out together doing grown up stuff when you can leave the baby. We do this for our Christmas present every year and have done mini golf, west end, bars and fun restaurants!

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 13:44

@Led921900 family trip to LegoLand

RobertsRadio · 21/03/2023 13:46

Well as he told you and his Mum not to organise anything with his mates or family and did not organise anything himself, then he only has himself to blame. He sounds like a stroppy teen (Kevin).

I think not buying a cake for Mother's Day after his 5yr old daughter specifically asked him to, is extremely spirited to you and his daughter, what kind of father does this? Not a good one.

lazycats · 21/03/2023 13:47

What on earth are you supposed to buy a grown man who, let’s be honest, probably has everything he wants/needs? So rude!

To be fair if a man came on here saying that about a woman’s 40th he’d get an earful.

But I’m with the op - he sounded determined to do nothing then be annoyed by it.

Conkersinautumn · 21/03/2023 13:47

Childish idiot. Parties just aren't necessary or likely when you have a young family. Book him soft play next year.

RobertsRadio · 21/03/2023 13:48

extremely spirited , Should say extremely mean spirited.

harriethoyle · 21/03/2023 14:01

MasterBeth · 21/03/2023 13:04

I'm sorry, but it all sounds a bit grim. The cash exchange. The not wanting to go out. The not wanting to spend his birthday with you and his children. No Mother's Day celebration. The way he spoke to you. The boxes of unmade Lego. You planning your big birthday in two years' time without him.

The more you post, the more miserable it all sounds. Like you're living separate lives.

I totally agree with this. It sounds miserable. I am another poster who cannot imagine giving my husband cash... that's what we do for nieces and nephews at christmas so we don't have the mental load of shopping. Also sounds like you're going all out for your 40th.

That said sulking and being a dick on Mother's Day is not cool either. It just seems rather grim all round.

MasterBeth · 21/03/2023 14:02

Honestly, if you're happy that his idea of 40th fun is to be left alone with his Lego, then the best present you could have given him would have been to clear off for the whole day and leave him to it.

MasterBeth · 21/03/2023 14:02

(And spend the £200 on yourself and the kids to have a nice day.)

Dodecaheidyin · 21/03/2023 14:08

Thing is I came back with elevenses, then I said do you want to go into town and he said yes. So we had a really nice few hours with the baby in London, grabbed a take away lunch came home and watched a film. He never said he wanted to be on his own at any point!

Beware the man who appears to enjoy himself only to later tell you your efforts were 'shit'. Sounds a bit gaslightly to me. Can you not do anything right quite often, OP? Or is him trying to justify not acknowledging mother's day a one off? Did he do anything for his mother, do you know?

ThreeblackCats · 21/03/2023 14:14

@Mortimercat . Op organised gifts, a lie in, time away from the children including the baby! I’m saying no more, I don’t want to be banned from Mumsnet because you choose to be argumentative.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 14:18

@Led921900

I'm sorry, I did read your posts before I posted, and I've now re-read them - I can't see where you said that he told you he didn't what something with his friends and not to organise. Maybe I've misread something.

I'm single but when I was married & it was my (D - then!)H 40th, I had a toddler & was expecting baby no 2. I knew he'd love a surprise party so I organised this with his friends, did all the cooking & baking, and we held it in a friend's house so he wouldn't know about it. It was a lot of work but he loved it. (He was horrible in the aftermath but that's because he was actually an abusive prick and I didn't realise it at the time - not relevant to this story!).

I also organised a family lunch with my folks & his, which you also did.

Now, by the time I was 40, our marriage was over & I was in an awful situation. I dreaded being 40 & basically did nothing for it & no-one suggested a party, which was fine.

My point being, it needs to be what the individual would like. I do think for a 40th birthday this doesn't sound special. But equally, it sounds like he wasn't clear enough with you about his preferences? Which isn't fair for you.

He's being horrible to have done nothing for Mother's Day, regardless.

I think now you need to ask him honestly what he expected, explain your POV and see what he says. If he is fair and explains why he is disappointed that's ok - then you can work from there. If he's stroppy & won't discuss, then that's not ok & he's being immature for the sake of it.

IndigoLight · 21/03/2023 14:18

Yanbu, the crux of it is you have a 4m old and you did the best that you could. I was pregnant with a difficult pregnancy and did half of what you did and my dh was so grateful and happy with us for his 40th. I also turned 40 last year and we went low-key as well, and my dh gave me money! He also bought me 2 very expensive gifts which I returned. Your dh sounds like a brat, and spiteful as well to get you back for Mother's Day. I have a 5m old and tbh wouldn't have taken my baby out, in fact my dh would have been upset at the thought of us going out to 'give him a break'. You did the best you could given the circumstances and he is very ungrateful.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2023 14:19

as he told you and his Mum not to organise anything with his mates or family and did not organise anything himself, then he only has himself to blame.

On this basis I agree. I just didn't see this in OP's posts so apologies OP if I missed it first time round.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/03/2023 14:19

He sounds like a complete bellend and I’m astonished that people think his behaviour is reasonable.

I would be out.

Wexone · 21/03/2023 14:25

I am with him sorry, it does sound a bit grim. I have just had a big birthday, money is tight as my husband not working. We went out on the Friday night to a restaurant we had a voucher for, on the Saturday night we had a party at home with friends and family, ordered takeaway and people brought drinks and snacks we saved up to pay for the food. i was a dreading it a bit at 1st however ended up having a brilliant night I don't understand though how can you afford to go skiing when you are short of money? Apologies if i have missed it? If he didn't want anything really i still would have organized something like diner for just the two of us or even a night away, plus a birthday cake. If you say he normally a good bloke then i would have a serious heart to heart about this. The whole mothers day thing was a bit crap though

GrapesAreMyJam · 21/03/2023 14:27

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