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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH should’ve appreciated his birthday?

247 replies

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:29

DH turned 40, and our youngest is 4 months old so was always going to be quiet.

I ran around the week before, got a birthday banner, balloons (kids like them), cake, a nice shirt, chocolate, star wars socks and puzzle etc. wrapped them all up.
On the day itself he got all that plus I gave him £200.
His parents took our older children for the weekend after his birthday and on Saturday morning me and baby snuck out for two hours to give him a lie in. We came back about 9:40am.

He was going to organise a dart night in the pub with his mates but couldn’t/wouldn’t sort it so it didn’t end up happening.

He’s just told me his birthday was shit. That he wanted a whole day to himself not just the morning (where was I supposed to take the baby?) And that I said I’d be home 10am and actually came back early.
The context is I asked him why I didn’t get a card/present from the kids on Mother’s Day given all the running round I did for his birthday and he said “but my birthday was shit.”

He’s normally a kind DH who pulls his weight with the house and kids. Felt like a real gut punch.
I guess he’s annoyed he didn’t have a night out but that’s not on me?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 21/03/2023 12:50

Stocking fillers, a 'lie in' until half nine and some cash isn't exactly an amazing birthday. Skiing will cost a lot more too, so it doesn't feel like an equitable use of family money.
Presents don't sound like stocking fillers to me, they are proper presents. And why is it for OP to guess what he wanted to do for a bigger celebration? Based on his reaction it sounds like he'd have said it was the wrong thing whatever she did.

DH wanted a big meal out with lots of friends for his 40th so that's what he organised. I'd have organised it for him if he wanted but he was happy to. On the actual day we went to the cinema with the children to watch Shaun the Sheep.

We spent loads more on his 40th than mine because that's what we both wanted. If he didn't want a big birthday and OP does want to organise a trip that costs more for hers then why shouldn't it be an unequal spend. Sounds like money would have been put to a big party if he wanted it but he doesn't like them.

SparkyBlue · 21/03/2023 12:51

That sounds like a lovely birthday. I personally don't get the drama about milestone birthdays we had very young DC when we had 40ths and no one had the energy or headspace to be doing things but for a random birthday literally just before Covid we went to a swanky destination Michelin star place. Having the older kids looked after would have been exciting enough for us at that stage lol.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2023 12:54

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 11:51

Think he’s defensive about being crap on Mother’s Day and probably annoyed he didn’t actually sort out a few drinks with his mates.
when I called him out on Mother’s Day think he’s tried to justify it. 🙄

If he's genuinely not normally a total dick, I'd try and talk to him.

You were out the house at circa 7 am on a weekend with the baby so he could have a lie in. Nice presents of stuff he wanted. Time to do stuff as a family. So he's being ungrateful.

But even if he did think it was shit having to spend his birthday with his partner and children, his response is to PUNISH you like a naughty child by doing nothing on mothers day.

It's the punishment that would get me.

You were bad wife, he will punish you until you do better. Presumably you'll have to prove yourself on fathers day or else he'll with old Christmas presents?? That's not how mature equal relationships work.

Harriyet · 21/03/2023 12:55

Surely if he wanted to go for a meal/have a party etc etc, then he could have sorted them himself? It's not about the presents, I do agree that it doesn't sound any different to a 39th in the sense that no party or gathering or meal, but that's on him if he wanted that. What a child he is.

xogossipgirlxo · 21/03/2023 12:55

I think you could dance on your eyelashes and he wouldn't appreciate it, because he wanted to go out with his mates/have a big party. He didn't want nice day with you, he wanted you and children to be out of the picture for a day.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 12:55

JennyDarlingRIP · 21/03/2023 12:40

I think it's really odd to give your spouse money for a birthday. Surely he has his own money? I think you should've planned something nicer even if it was a meal out for a couple of hours while baby was looked after, or even asked him what he would like to do with his birthday. You could've booked a weekend/night away for when baby is a bit older.
Stocking fillers, a 'lie in' until half nine and some cash isn't exactly an amazing birthday. Skiing will cost a lot more too, so it doesn't feel like an equitable use of family money.

When I’m at work I’m the higher earner. I pay for all our holidays so can certainly shout myself a few days skiing after three kids and three years breastfeeding.

To be clear he literally told me not to organise anything including his dart night and stopped his Mum organising anything with extended family. I can’t anyway it’s a member club that needs to be reserved by a member which I’m not. So what more he expected I don’t know.
The £200 either towards an iPhone or for some Lego, he gets to choose. No doubt if I got him an iPhone or Lego it would’ve been the “shit” one anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 12:59

Going to give him the benefit of the doubt and think it’s nothing specific about the 40th but with three young kids it was never going to be an extravaganza anyway and that was his point.

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 21/03/2023 13:00

To be honest his birthday does sound like shit. What adult wants a stupid banner, Star Wars socks and £200! I mean who on earth wants money from their spouse on their birthday. I would be beyond disappointed if my husband handed me cash.

That said, very strange that his 40th birthday of choice is a day to himself.

ThreeblackCats · 21/03/2023 13:02

Your massive efforts were not appreciated. At least you know now not to bother for future birthdays. A shop bought cake, a card and a dull gift will do next year.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 13:03

Don’t really get the pile on about the money. If he gave me some money plus thoughtful presents (and he loves Star Wars, technically the socks weee from DD2) I’d be chuffed!

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 21/03/2023 13:04

ThreeblackCats · 21/03/2023 13:02

Your massive efforts were not appreciated. At least you know now not to bother for future birthdays. A shop bought cake, a card and a dull gift will do next year.

Massive efforts? WTF. She chucked him some cash and socks. How low is your bar if you think that is a massive effort.

MasterBeth · 21/03/2023 13:04

I'm sorry, but it all sounds a bit grim. The cash exchange. The not wanting to go out. The not wanting to spend his birthday with you and his children. No Mother's Day celebration. The way he spoke to you. The boxes of unmade Lego. You planning your big birthday in two years' time without him.

The more you post, the more miserable it all sounds. Like you're living separate lives.

Sundaefraise · 21/03/2023 13:05

TempNCforthis · 21/03/2023 12:15

To be honest I think any man who doesn't treat his wife well on mother's day, particularly when she has young children, even more particularly if she has a new baby, is a very selfish and unkind man.

You see I just don’t get this. It’s essentially another commercialised day and she’s not his mother. If the kids have made a homemade card, great, if not why should the dh’s run around buying stuff? Same in reverse for Fathers Day. I do know I’m in the minority on this one though.

Harriyet · 21/03/2023 13:05

Mortimercat · 21/03/2023 13:00

To be honest his birthday does sound like shit. What adult wants a stupid banner, Star Wars socks and £200! I mean who on earth wants money from their spouse on their birthday. I would be beyond disappointed if my husband handed me cash.

That said, very strange that his 40th birthday of choice is a day to himself.

Your husband should be beyond disappointed at how ungrateful you are!

DappledThings · 21/03/2023 13:07

Led921900 · 21/03/2023 13:03

Don’t really get the pile on about the money. If he gave me some money plus thoughtful presents (and he loves Star Wars, technically the socks weee from DD2) I’d be chuffed!

I don't think there's been a pile on. It's just odd for a lot of people when you're married. If I gave DH cash I would be walking to the cashpoint to take out notes from the joint account which he could then use to buy something he would have bought from the joint account anyway as we both put all our money in the same place. Lots of people keep separate money but lots don't so it does feel weird to lots of people.

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 13:08

It is a bit shit if he got socks and you're getting a ski holiday. You clearly see a 40th as a big thing but didn't actually even make any plans for his.

GobbieMaggie · 21/03/2023 13:09

MasterBeth · 21/03/2023 13:04

I'm sorry, but it all sounds a bit grim. The cash exchange. The not wanting to go out. The not wanting to spend his birthday with you and his children. No Mother's Day celebration. The way he spoke to you. The boxes of unmade Lego. You planning your big birthday in two years' time without him.

The more you post, the more miserable it all sounds. Like you're living separate lives.

I agree, this thought struck me too. It's all a bit desperate.

redskylight · 21/03/2023 13:10

Mortimercat · 21/03/2023 13:00

To be honest his birthday does sound like shit. What adult wants a stupid banner, Star Wars socks and £200! I mean who on earth wants money from their spouse on their birthday. I would be beyond disappointed if my husband handed me cash.

That said, very strange that his 40th birthday of choice is a day to himself.

When I had young children, my ideal day would have absolutely been a day to myself to indulge in my own hobbies that couldn't easily be done with children about.

I don't think it's that strange.

Dracuuule · 21/03/2023 13:11

Your older kids were off at grandparents, you and the baby had to disappear for the morning. Then he doesn't give a shit about you on Mother's Day?
It all sounds a bit uncaring.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/03/2023 13:11

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 13:08

It is a bit shit if he got socks and you're getting a ski holiday. You clearly see a 40th as a big thing but didn't actually even make any plans for his.

If you read OP's update you'll see he didn't want a party, didn't want OP nor his mum to organise anything so what was she supposed to do?

OP is organising her own 40th, maybe he should have done that?

mn29 · 21/03/2023 13:18

I would have made sure he had some kind of 'do' to celebrate his 40th, whether that be a big party or a small family meal out or anything in between, but would have asked him what he wanted to do to mark the occasion. So I can understand to some extent why he felt it was a bit of a non-event.

I find the 'tit for tat' of not doing anything special for you for mothers' day really immature, especially as it's supposed to be about making you feel appreciated by the kids (and him) for the effort you put in as a mum and him helping the kids understand it's important to show appreciation for you and the things you do for them, even in small ways such as a card, flowers and a cup of tea in bed. This sort of game playing in a relationship is totally alien to me.

cheatingcrackers · 21/03/2023 13:18

Sundaefraise · 21/03/2023 13:05

You see I just don’t get this. It’s essentially another commercialised day and she’s not his mother. If the kids have made a homemade card, great, if not why should the dh’s run around buying stuff? Same in reverse for Fathers Day. I do know I’m in the minority on this one though.

Show quote history

I don’t know, I think it can get a bit OTT but a) one of the kids is a baby who is too young to make anything for the Mum and b) the 5 year old asked to get the Mum a cake and the Dad refused. That is really shit and sends a pretty horrible message.

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 13:21

@Cigarettesaftersex1 she could have organised 100 things that aren't a gathering. She could have booked a weekend away, or a day trip somewhere, or bought him an experience. Giving someone cash requires 0 effort.

AllOfThemWitches · 21/03/2023 13:21

What a childish prick.

Original poster
Led921900 · 21/03/2023 13:26

mn29 · 21/03/2023 13:18

I would have made sure he had some kind of 'do' to celebrate his 40th, whether that be a big party or a small family meal out or anything in between, but would have asked him what he wanted to do to mark the occasion. So I can understand to some extent why he felt it was a bit of a non-event.

I find the 'tit for tat' of not doing anything special for you for mothers' day really immature, especially as it's supposed to be about making you feel appreciated by the kids (and him) for the effort you put in as a mum and him helping the kids understand it's important to show appreciation for you and the things you do for them, even in small ways such as a card, flowers and a cup of tea in bed. This sort of game playing in a relationship is totally alien to me.

If you read my posts we had a family meal on the Sunday including his parents, sister and niece.

OP posts: