Paid back money but was wrong

[marchella]

Hi
This is a very quick summary but basically my MIL gave some money to my DH as an advance on his "inheritance". I knew nothing about this until he paid off my credit card ( roughly 5000 pounds). I wasn't happy as I hate owing people money.
That was about 5 years ago.
Recently I was talking to her about a completely different thing regarding her sons behaviour and mentioned that I have financially supported him for years.
SHe said " that is not true" and mentioned the unwanted money that my DH used to pay off my credit card.
I am super sensitive about being called a liar and would not borrow money unless I was desperate.
So I got my DH to get her bank account details and repaid it that night via bank transfer. In the section that asks for an invoice or reference number I wrote " so Marchella doesn't feel beholden".
They are now not speaking to me.
I think I've fucked up , but I have a thing about being called a liar , or taking money.

I've not called her a bitch, although I think she was totally and utterly U! Again, it's nothing to do with her DH, he's not on trial here, she is.

She was petulant, rude and hot headed, he wasn't in the equation.

Well ok that’s your take on it. Yes I agree op lost the moral high ground when she sent the money to MIL with a pointed message. She says herself “I think I fucked up”

if we’re talking about op being on trial then I’d argue about mitigating circumstances; namely being pissed off with a dh who doesn’t contribute financially (?)
and being told by MIL she cannot say that about her son because 5 years ago she bunged him a few thousand quid for one of op’s bills.

I think I’d say something I might regret if I had that thrown in my face when having a conversation about feeling financially unsupported in my marriage.

Who doesn't contribute financially.... apart from pay a £5k credit card bill?

I don’t know- op’s husband allegedly

Op: I’ve been financially supporting him for years
Mil : that’s not true, I gave him money 5 years ago to pay one of your bills.

I'm not too sure what you expected to happen?

@SmileyClare exactly you've no idea, the two things are in complete contrast.

The facts we know are, that DH did pay the £5k bill, that's fact.

I support him financially is totally subjective, you appear to assume that this means totally paying for anything. I could've used the same term when taking about my DH, because I'm the higher earner, however I would never have said that, because it was family money. It's irrelevant to me who was the higher earner.

That seems an odd way of describing the higher earner in a relationship (providing financial support) but it could be that.

I’m happy to be proven wrong

Well your not being proven right currently!

Test

Ok. I've just read all this. Thanks for the responses. The one that stood out to me was that I should have repaid DH rather than his mum. That would have been much smarter.
FOr all the other questions ( I can't remember them all)
Yes I fully support him except for when he occasionally gets a job. Last one lasted 3 weeks.
I have also had to repay child benefit as he won't do his tax return.
The behaviour was a neighbour walking up to us in the street and asking why one of us had blasted the horn at her newly licensed son . Apparently he was terrified.
Just a hint - it wasn't me. I even said maybe it was me, and my car has a very loud horn, and then she said her son said it was a man.
I do not live in the UK - I used pounds as it was easier for most people as it is a UK site.
No I didn't have the money to repay the money immediately. I have since had to sell my home and move to a much cheaper one. So I did have the money , but I wasn't in a great rush to repay it as I feel I have more than done my bit.
Yes, I shouldn't have rung her, but I was angry.
The equivalent of 5000 pounds does in no way cover the fact that I have supported him ( basically - he lives in my home I owned outright since before I met him over 15 years ago : and pay all bills)
Yes the advance was considerably more but he used it to pay off his debt - no idea what that was for , probably a failed business.
I understand she was defending her son.
I will probably email her and apologise for the reference.
Oh and yes you can do more than 18 characters with my bank. What a random thing for people to get worked up about. I'd post a screenshot but it has my actual name in it and all the nasty souls on here will think I faked it anyway.
I wish I was that tech lit.
I will have a think about the situation as I am becoming resentful , hence ringing his mum. Not good.

@SmileyClare
You have it in a nutshell! Ta

Perfect summary.

I still don’t understand a couple of things. Why does he have to complete a tax return if he doesn’t earn anything?

why have you had to sell your house and move to a smaller one?

why, if you are married, do you not know what debts he has and why he has them?

why do you talk as if you are not married or in a couple? “I have since had to sell my home and move to a much cheaper one.”

We are not married.
I say my home as it has been mine for 20 years, had to sell it as was running out of money - that's why the credit card bill.
He had to do a tax return for all of the odd occasions he has worked. This was after him not completing one for years. He was probably owed money. Just couldn't be bothered finding all of the details.

I recognised your situation because unfortunately I’ve been in a similar one myself, which is hardly a badge of honour.

My partner was almost consistently out of work despite grand ideas about being self employed, and took advantage of my kindness and his mum’s.

I had a not dissimilar conversation with his mum; Id had enough of him not helping out and she wouldn’t hear it- she said she knew we were both bad with money (what?!) and that I should be more grateful that she’d been helping us both out to pay our bills.
I tried to correct her, and tell her a few home truths about her son, and she refused to speak to me for weeks.

The truth was he was tapping his mum for money on the pretext that we were struggling as a family. He was spunking most of it on cocaine, beer and online gambling and couldn’t be arsed with a real job.

We split up, he was a very charming charismatic man but inherently selfish, deluded and highly skilled at manipulation. His mum died blissfully unaware of the truth.

Your situation isn’t quite the same as that sorry tale but it feels familiar. All I’ll say is;
-he won’t change and
-you deserve better than this x

OP, sorry but you sound like you make your own life really hard through your own decisions.

Being with a man who is that useless is a choice you are making

Being angry when he finally does something positive like pay off your credit card debt is weird.

Talking to his mum to moan about her son Is just asking for trouble.

Interpreting her as saying you are lying when she is simply reminding you of a fact to add balance to what you are saying is self-destructively over-sensitive

Returning money when you are sore about being the sole provider and not receiving enough money from him is cutting off your nose to spite your face....

Time to take a breath and start acting in your own interests, or you'll be angry with yourself and others long term.

Thanks so much. Very similar except for the drugs. It's just laziness and gaming. He is super smart and people love him. He will chat to the person at the checkout and then get in the car and start swearing. He is nice , and has helped me a lot, ( big back story from before I met him but isn't really relevant) but I'm thinking I'm being taken for a ride now.
And all you " marchella is an ungrateful cow " posters. WOuld you really not be pissed off if you financially supported your family for years and then your MIL throws it in your face because she once paid off your credit card? Unasked for. Nicer people than me obviously.
I need to have a hard think.

Soz - forgot to add - thanks for your kind words @SmileyClare Nice to know I'm not the only one.

My ex was just the same- brilliantly funny, everyone loved him- a sort of Peter Pan character who loved a good time but took no responsibility for himself, his work, his money so you end up frustrated and angry and onlookers say stuff like “oh he’s such a nice bloke, I thought he had his own business” 😂
On the rare occasion he did have some money, he was the most generous person in the world, literally throwing it about.

It is hard to explain why you put up with them isn’t it? Unfortunately supporting a partner like him wears thin and you start to resent them.

OMG. We should start a support group! I've noticed he is very generous ( with my money) - he has my debit card in his wallet everytime we leave the house. So he's buying his parents dinner and drinks and what a bitch I would look like if I stood up and said "THAT"s MY MONEY".
All of his relatives are the same. "Oh I see "my DH " has a new car or I can't believe your pool is bigger than mine "my DH". I just sit and smile.

Still no idea what to do. This thread has made me realize it's not my MIL's fault. And I need to apologize. Beyond that I'm a bit lost.

End your relationship with the useless cocklodger?

Not so easily done. Our DS adores him. And weirdly I do too.

It’s not easy.

But it’s doable. Plenty of us have left useless and/or abusive men.

I very much loved exh. It still wasn’t a good environment for the kids to be in. Your ds has a good chance of growing up just like his dad.

if it’s got to the point you want to moan to your partners mother about them, then it’s usually over.

@marchella honestly, I think you need to get counselling. This man sounds like a wastrel, he's making you act irrationally. Which then is reflecting badly on you.

Once you have had counselling, you'll hopefully have the strength to leave and have a less stressful life.