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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The death taboo in England.

186 replies

Fifi1010 · 20/03/2023 19:23

I did a training session on dying well and wow so many people are so uncomfortable with dying even mentioning it . I have a will and life insurance. I have informed my family of my current wishes and I have written this down. If I change my mind I will update it. I don't think of death a lot but I see it as inevitable and a transition.

It saddens me when people haven't done the planning so decisions are made in crisis when emotions are high and people might not get the end they would want. What could be done to ease the taboo of death?

OP posts:
CharlotteMullen · 20/03/2023 19:25

I don’t know, OP, but it’s made worse by people behaving as though death is something like haemorrhoids— slightly embarrassing, only affects a minority and shouldn’t be talked about.

MissyB1 · 20/03/2023 19:28

As a nation we are far too squeamish about death. I wonder if that happened as people became less religious? When I was a child in the Catholic Church, I saw dead bodies in the coffins and went to lots of funerals.

Anyway we do need to talk about end of life, what would be appropriate in terms of care, and what our personal wishes would be.

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 19:30

I can talk about the wishes I have for my funeral and my positions but I can't deal with the idea of leaving my loved ones behind. It's something I really need to sort but I can't comprehend it.

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 19:30

Possessions not positions Grin

Dacadactyl · 20/03/2023 19:32

Yes I think it's to do with the decline of religion and the rise of medical advances.

Anyone interested in the subject should read Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal". It is all about this topic and how we are living longer etc and I'd highly recommend it.

MissyB1 · 20/03/2023 19:38

Dacadactyl · 20/03/2023 19:32

Yes I think it's to do with the decline of religion and the rise of medical advances.

Anyone interested in the subject should read Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal". It is all about this topic and how we are living longer etc and I'd highly recommend it.

Yes I’ve read that, it’s a wonderful book.

Abracadabra12345 · 20/03/2023 19:40

Another one who’s read “ Being Mortal” (twice so far)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2023 19:42

My mum died on Friday, and my sister and I are currently beginning to sort out all the arrangements etc. My mum had written us a letter, in 2020, that outlined her wishes for the funeral, and for the disposal of some of her possessions - books, particularly - and it has made a difficult time that bit easier.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 19:44

The main stories I remember from Being Mortal are about surgery, have I got the right book? I think he wrote a few.

re death, I don't know. I am scared of old age and I think people should plan better there so their loved ones don't have such a mare dealing with them.

I suppose people do shudder if I say I don't want a long life. Perhaps more honesty about old age would help. But then people get angry and say their gran is running marathons at 94.

CharlotteMullen · 20/03/2023 19:45

MissyB1 · 20/03/2023 19:28

As a nation we are far too squeamish about death. I wonder if that happened as people became less religious? When I was a child in the Catholic Church, I saw dead bodies in the coffins and went to lots of funerals.

Anyway we do need to talk about end of life, what would be appropriate in terms of care, and what our personal wishes would be.

I don’t notice much less squeamishness in Catholics in the UK, to be honest.

I once asked one of my undergraduate seminars (who were being vocally taken aback at a scene in an Irish novel in which children see their grandfather’s body at his wake) which of them had ever seen a dead person, and they almost all thought I was asking if they’d seen someone who had been killed in a violent crime! But they hadn’t seen their grandparents’ after death, those who had lost them…

KnittingNeedles · 20/03/2023 19:47

Sorry to hear that @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius . My dad is currently on an end of life plan and likely to sue very soon. I am very grateful that there’s a file at home where he’s laid out his wishes. Both he and mum have also made wills.

KnittingNeedles · 20/03/2023 19:47

Die very soon. Obviously.

drpet49 · 20/03/2023 19:47

Not the case in my family or social circle. Death is widely talked about.

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 19:48

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2023 19:42

My mum died on Friday, and my sister and I are currently beginning to sort out all the arrangements etc. My mum had written us a letter, in 2020, that outlined her wishes for the funeral, and for the disposal of some of her possessions - books, particularly - and it has made a difficult time that bit easier.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 20/03/2023 19:48

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2023 19:42

My mum died on Friday, and my sister and I are currently beginning to sort out all the arrangements etc. My mum had written us a letter, in 2020, that outlined her wishes for the funeral, and for the disposal of some of her possessions - books, particularly - and it has made a difficult time that bit easier.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Dacadactyl · 20/03/2023 19:48

Being Mortal is about mortality in the modern age. What it's like to get old and die and how medicine has changed all of it. And how our ideas about death and old age have changed. He mentions something in it about how for most of human history, it didn't matter if you were 5 or 45, each day was a genuine risk to your life. People were surrounded by death until less than 100 years ago.

He draws on his own family experiences as well as those of patients to examine how even doctors don't always get the conversations about death right. I found it very interesting.

limitedperiodonly · 20/03/2023 19:50

Who knows? Perhaps people are different to you OP? As you have all your arrangements worked out it's not going to trouble those you leave behind.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 19:51

Ah, thanks
I read "Better". I also met him at a publishing do and he is so sweet, I feel guilty I forgot which book. Now I see he has written a few!

sorry, going off topic..as you were.

lipstickwoman · 20/03/2023 19:51

I've lost both parents and my only sibling. All young.

If you've experienced traumatic grief (I do understand all grief is awful) then death and thoughts of death can be all consuming.

Making practical plans is the easy bit ime

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 20/03/2023 19:51

Death is part of life, l have no problem discussing it openly and honestly, neither do my sons, but we are in the minority.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 20/03/2023 19:52

be Irish. ☘️

Dacadactyl · 20/03/2023 19:53

AbsoIutelyLovely · 20/03/2023 19:52

be Irish. ☘️

True. IME, the Irish are good with death.

WhenDovesFly · 20/03/2023 19:54

I'm a funeral arranger and the number of times a family comes in and says "I don't know what to do", or has no idea of what their loved one wanted. It causes them so much additional anguish.

I'd advise everyone to write a letter of their wishes, or take out a pre-paid plan, or just sit and discuss it with their families.

Also, if you have to arrange a funeral and you have older teens/young adults, then consider taking them with you when you make funeral arrangements. They'll learn that funeral homes are not scary places, and will have an idea what to expect when they have to take the lead themselves.

Xrays · 20/03/2023 19:58

I don’t know… I’ve got no relatives now, everyone in my family has died of bowel cancer. I’m 42 and I have a lot of health issues myself so I can only hope I am around for a long time. I used to be really terrified of death after nursing my Gran and Mum etc through bowel cancer and seeing how they suffered. I have no faith in medicine after their cancers were only diagnosed on CT scan after many missed opportunities, or the idea of dying peacefully. I don’t think that really happens for most people, even when people say they did. But that’s just based on my experiences. I just hope I randomly don’t wake up one day when I’m really old.

I think people don’t like to talk about death because they want to naively believe they’ll live forever, it’s like it won’t happen to them. And in some ways if that’s what works for most people to get them through who cares. To worry about dying is to be afraid of living.

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 19:58

WhenDovesFly · 20/03/2023 19:54

I'm a funeral arranger and the number of times a family comes in and says "I don't know what to do", or has no idea of what their loved one wanted. It causes them so much additional anguish.

I'd advise everyone to write a letter of their wishes, or take out a pre-paid plan, or just sit and discuss it with their families.

Also, if you have to arrange a funeral and you have older teens/young adults, then consider taking them with you when you make funeral arrangements. They'll learn that funeral homes are not scary places, and will have an idea what to expect when they have to take the lead themselves.

This made me think
I'll tell my sister direct cremation.

I used to have things I wanted at a funeral but I don't now, so I will tell her that, but she will be annoyed I've mentioned it. I don't want her fretting over readings and such like though.

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