The death taboo in England.

[Fifi1010]

I did a training session on dying well and wow so many people are so uncomfortable with dying even mentioning it . I have a will and life insurance. I have informed my family of my current wishes and I have written this down. If I change my mind I will update it. I don't think of death a lot but I see it as inevitable and a transition.

It saddens me when people haven't done the planning so decisions are made in crisis when emotions are high and people might not get the end they would want. What could be done to ease the taboo of death?

Was aged 19 your first experience of death though? I think the age you're first exposed to can make a difference.

I saw my uncle die of cancer at 12 and it was awful, for sure, but I'd already seen my great grandmother die and her body afterwards, when I was 10. I think it made it my uncle dying easier to cope with.

On top of this, my family are religious and we were always at funerals of people who'd died from Church or whatever.

Sorry I've just re-read and I can see 19 was your first experience of death.

I really don't care what happens to me after I die. I'd like my kids to give me the send off that works best for them. Whatever gives them the most comfort, doesn't cost too much or take too much stress to organise. I can't imagine dictating songs or readings or the type of box I'm put in. So I won't be leaving g instructions. I have a will of course but thats just for the finances.

But I'm not scared of death. I'd like to outlive my parents because they've already buried one child and I'd like to see my children settled and happy to whatever they want from life. But other than that I don't want to hang around longer than is comfortable. My grandmother is 94 and I know she gets very little joy out of life, despite being fairly healthy and independent.

I talk about death often. I encourage others to talk about death. Death is a fact of life.

Join yes. One friend's mum died peacefully reading a book, having had her normal, busy active day. My friend kept on about how traumatising it was to have it happen so suddenly, but I just kept thinking, I wish dad had gone like that. They were the same age. Again, you can't say it, but I'm not a fool, I can't be shocked by a parent dying at nearly 80, but the three months of daily hideousness before the death was the real problem.

which leads on to...what does talking about death mean?

yes, I'm definitely seeing why people don't talk about it. In fact, I shall hide the thread now but will remember to tell sis to do a direct cremation and then please just crack on with life!

My Dad died a year ago. I was with him and then me and my DSis dressed him in his favourite T-shirt gave him a flower to hold and we waited for the funeral director to come the next morning.

It was nice to leave him looking peaceful after a difficult few days dying of covid, but he was at home as he wanted.

I want to be put to sleep if I’m ever that sick. I’ve made it very clear to my DC and DH. I will take myself to Switzerland after a goodbye party.

I'm not sure.
It's denial rooted in fear with a helping of superstition ('tempting fate')

How do we stop people being scared of death? Of the unknown? Of possible pain associated with many causes of death?

I don't think anything short of scientists proving the existence of a beautiful afterlife would remove that primal fear of death.

I feel strangely okay about my own death, even hoping that i won’t get too old and decrepit. Possibly this is because I’m in my 30s and still feels distant.
But I get very very upset thinking about my mum’s future death.

The church we go to has forms where you can detail your funeral wishes. You don't have to go to that church; if you want you can just go in and get yourself a form, even if you never intend going to church again, or never have before. You can then use it as a guideline for your own wishes.
Not all churches do this as my friend from a different church was absolutely delighted with one of these forms (!).
I also wonder why we prolong lives so much, when people are so ill, old and uncomfortable, but as nobody ever mentions it, I thought I must be the only one who thought like that.
Still not sure what to do tho if someone died; do you ring the undertaker straight away or do you call the doctor or what are you meant to do?
And yes, the Irish seem to do it better - that episode of Derry Girls where Bridie dies and her body is in the house; the girls take it in their stride but English James is horrified by a dead body.

I made a will in my early 40’s after my divorce. I am now mid 50’s and have just completed my POA forms. There will be a lump sum for a funeral. My children know what I would like at my funeral & I have written a letter to them with these requests. I do know one thing for sure and that is I will die. Don’t know where, don’t know when. But I hope that I have helped my children deal with me with the minimum of fuss & complication

Yes. I am Irish. I have lived in England and Scotland but neither place has the same kind of openness.

The idea of not existing terrifies me. I genuinely have panic attacks sometimes. I haven't got any plans or anything organised because I don't have any wishes.

I had cancer a couple of years ago and when discussing treatment options with the consultant he brought up this programme called Predict and literally showed me the different probabilities for dying with each treatment plan. Actually having an open conversation about the possibility of death was so refreshing - everyone else had been pussyfooting around me but he just met it head on.

It’s extremely helpful when people write down their funeral wishes, my friend was so miserable agonising over what music he thought his mum would have wanted

Also… TELL PEOPLE where the will is!! My family member supposedly died ‘intestate’ despite having always said they made a will. A not very nice person ended uo with all the money.

I don't fear death. When the time comes I am certain I will embrace it. If I'm really honest, dare I say it....there's a part of me that looks forward to it. That's not because I'm suicidal- no! But I get to meet my maker; where He will welcome me home.

I also think that having a Faith helps when dealing with death.

I dont know the answe but I really wish someone would have the conversation with my parents (me and my siblings have, countless times) and they "Don't want to talk about it"

We have suffered a few tragic deaths in our family so really cannot understand why they won't sort it out, they are going to leave us in such a mess

@VariantHela fear. They have their heads in the sand. When you have had family tragedy it's terrifying. Doesn't make it less essential of course. But hard to face up to.

My grandma died in 2016 and I was the only one close to her in such a large family. She was diagnosed with Dementia around 70 but it was slow progressing and didn’t seem to have much of an effect at that time. I remember asking her (since she inevitably was going to go soon) what she would want when she passes away and if she wanted to be repatriated. She made it clear she didn’t want to be cremated, or sea burial (as she recently learned about it), nor did she want to be repatriated since apparently on our island a lot of the cemeteries are on hills and get flooded causing all sorts of issues (that can’t be the case for the whole country though but 🤷🏽‍♀️ it was her wishes.

about a year before she died she was found to have bowel cancer (or indicators of it) so further testing was done. By this time her dementia went from 0 - 100 and she was forgetting what happened the previous day or even earlier in the same day! When her results came in she did have bowel cancer which had now spread to her lungs and throughout her body… apparently she didn’t even know as she kept forgetting she had it.

she was dead a few months later due to my mother taking her out of hospital as “they could do no more for her there than we could at home”. She wasn’t eating or drinking and couldn’t take her diabetes medication as she had forgotten how to swallow so ultimately I’m sure the dehydration killed her over anything else. She was given a morphine driver in her leg which I guess stopped her feeling pain and she passed in her sleep.

I asked if anyone knew her funeral wishes and everyone looked at me mortified like it was such a terrible thing to ask! My grandma specifically told me she would haunt us if she was cremated.. when I mentioned this again they were besides themselves as it never occurred to them to even ask their mother what she wanted and we had enough time to plan things out!

I tried speaking about death (specifically my own) growing up as I became sick as a child and nearly died once and was told I was being morbid. So as a result nobody in our family spoke about it full stop then dealt with the stress when the time came for my grandmas passing!

I have already told my partner my wishes when I die, spoke about it early on too, we are both open about it and don’t see it being a issue and will speak to our kids about it too! (P.S. I was raised Catholic and it made no difference).

when my grandma died I had a dream where she came to my house and knocked on my door.. she barely spoke but she was really ANGRY, I couldn’t tell if she was angry at me or just how the whole thing went down but I got the message loud and clear that she was mega pissed! I was the black sheep of the family so I had no say and was not even able to take a family role at the funeral and treated like a associate considering I was my grandmas favourite!

but never will I experience that again and know it was all because they think speaking of death was morbid even though she was sitting next door in her death bed waiting for the day/night to come.. nobody spoke a thing about it (she lived next door to my mum).

I agree. Faith is a comfort for many during life and death.

I have seen many people die. My dear grandfather was a devout Catholic. I was with him (as were his 7 children and 20 other grandchildren) as he passed. His last hours were filled with faith and peace; I will remember it for how that faith and calm would be his final, faith-filled witness to his family.

I think death is taboo because we have medicalised end of life care. Not too long ago it was normal for people to be cared for by their family and to die in their own beds at home. We have lost the practical knowledge of death and the ability to speak of it so it has become taboo to many.

What helped me was to realise I didn’t exist before I was born either. And that didn’t bother me. Neither will it matter when I die.

Bloody English don't even do death in the "correct" way 🙄

I have an Irish background (moved to a place on Scotland with a big Irish immigrant population) so grew up with death being a normal part of life. As a child I was used to seeing dead bodies in coffins in someone’s living room or bedroom and all the rituals that goes with it. My granny used to wash the dead and prepare the room for “the people round about” rather than the undertaker doing it. She had white sheets and a small white tablecloth that was wrapped in brown paper and string. One sheet was put on the bed under the coffin and the other was put over the window. You knew when there was a death in a house because of the sheet at the window. The tablecloth was out on a table beside the bed to put a crucifix and candles on, which my granny also had. People would knock our door and off she would go armed with the necessary. After the funeral the dead person’s relatives had the things laundered and brought them back in the brown paper.

I remember the first time I saw a dead body as a little girl, I was a bit apprehensive and my granny said ‘well she never harmed you when she was alive, so she’ll not harm you now she’s dead!” in her usual no nonsense voice. It never worried me after that.

My mother did veto her when she wanted me to “learn how to do the bodies” when I was about 14, thank goodness 😅

My personal hope is that one day I go to sleep and just don’t wake up, then my family just send my body for a direct cremation.

I think we should be more honest about the insane cost of funerals. Thousands of pounds wasted on an event that no one wants to remember.

It’s not a waste if it gives comfort to those left behind. There’s great comfort in showing respect to and honouring those we love. A funeral should be a celebration of a life as well as a chance to say goodbye.