So upset, not sure what to do

[Moonstarssunsky]

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

Yes I will be looking into getting a rescue.

I've seen the cat previously (when I've driven by in the past) literally on a little green near his home.

So if you'd seen it there previously, why didn't you post your leaflets around that area of town?

He could've easily gone into the house.

Correct, but lots of cats choose to stay out and roam even when they have homes to go to.

All this energetic leafletting activity seems to be a new development. I suspect that OP qas pretty convinced in her mind that Tom was a stray or abandoned and didn't bother which much leafletting or posters or SM.

Thank you, don't worry I'm not consumed with the cat! And I understand he's not mine.
Yes I've commented a lot on here, but I agree that people are just being nasty. For no good reason.

That's the jist I think. Lots that the OP has says doesn't make sense. She started off saying how upset she is and what can she do now? Said she planning to go to the owners house again to offer money for the cat this time.

Then getting defensive with posters and saying she'd just been doing the right thing feeding what she thought was a stray and being attacked for it. When what people were objecting to was that she was finding it hard to accept the cat wasn't hers and wanting advice on how to get it handed over.

initually said their house was MUCH further down the road which is why they didn't get her flyers. Then says the cat couldn't possibly be lost because his house is so nearby so he was choosing not to go home. Now saying she'd seen him before literally outside his home but didn't drop flyers round there.

She knew he had a home. She didn't look for his owners. Her cat died and she sought comfort in someone else's cat and hoped his owners never find him. Now they have and she knows she shouldn't have encouraged him to 'move in with her' so she's come up with this story about how unhappy he was at home, that his owners were neglectful so he left to find happiness which he found with her.

And now she's pissed off and thinks not only does she know what this cat is thinking and how to make him happy, bit that she loves him more than his owners because if they truly loved him, they'd let him go to be with her.

She sounds like a mistress whose man has been forced to move back to his wife. 'She didn't treat him right, if he was happy he wouldn’t have left and come to me, if she really loved him she'd want him to be happy even if it means letting him go' 🙄

To bring a smile to this thread. Meet Sylvester the UEA cat. He lives ten mins down the road and walks to campus each day for love and fuss. My son said he goes into lectures and sleeps on chairs. Attends meetings and goes to the library.

The cat from #22 got lost and was found at #2. This is despite the cat from #18 regularly playing in #2-8 gardens. The vast couldn't find his way home, so he was lost.

Watch this study OP. It was of highly bonded cat owners and lost cats (some even using pet detectives or pet psychics so clearly very distressed loving owners)

Cats in the study were missing for up to 3 months. 50% were found in a 50m radius and 75% within 500m. That's not far. Cats frequently get lost within a few houses distance of their homes. Sounds like Tom was further away from his home than that.

I hope it makes you feel better to realise he was lost and not that he'd run away from home because he wasn't happy. The fact you say he was outside in all weather's looking distressed and starving day after day, week after week proves this. An animal isn't going to starve itself if it knows it has a convenient food source nearby I.e it's home. Animals won't choose to starve to death or lie in the rain because they're 'unhappy' at home.

Cats can quickly get disoriented. If he had a fight with another cat or got chased by a dog or something else relatively minor he could have run outside his normal territory and then bam he's lost. Even what humans would think is close to home, he's bewildered and can't find his way back.

I have been following this rather odd thread. OP you are obviously still sad at the loss of your own cat, and are missing the connection that you started to form with another familys cat. So many people have stated the obvious - cats roam, some cats sleep outside. Cats will eat food offered from anyone if they are hungry. Some cats are clever and remember their way home, some aren't. I think your answer is to feel good that you fed a cat that you presumed was a stray, and forget about him now he has been reunited with his owners. Accept you cannot have someone elses cat, then get yourself a rescue dog. Dogs are loyal, loving, and unlike a cat can be trained. They also legally need to be chipped so no confusion over who is their owner. A nice little dog will reward you with the love and attention that you deserve.

Don’t post on Aibu if you don’t want people to comment
Youre obviously trying to make the thread fit your narrative- like the life of the neighbours cat.
Regardless- the man picked his cat up so he obviously cares about it. You didn’t need to speak to the head of the household.

Absolutely 100% this. The OP has got her answer. 90% of people disagree with her but she keeps fighting it for God knows what reason. This is ridiculous. Just move on already. No matter how it happened the cat is back with his family.
Get your own as you obviously want one
But 'Tom' ain't it...

It doesn’t matter if the cat whisperer of the world posts on here.
The OP will insist that the cat wasn’t lost and was underfed and neglected. The car chose to leave its family for the OPs far superior home. She knows.

Please can someone explain to me (I have asd - so often miss things I'm not being that person)

Op what did you want from this post ? I'm serious. I had sympathy for you to begin with. Did you want people to say yep toms your cat go claim him or call the police.

The cat stayed with you because you fed it. It didn't say ok you are my new owner 😵‍💫.

You don't know toms living arrangements or if he hates his actual home because he can't talk, but clearly knows his owner and trusts his owner to pick him up. Something he didn't do for you.

You posted on a Internet forum so your gonna get a wide range of perspectives.

This cat is clearly taking up a lot of space in your brain.

The more you say it's cruel to keep him a indoor cat, the more I feel your waiting for them to let him out to capture him with some type of giant net.

Also I believe you had a previous enclosure which is outside. I suspect you would "let him out in the enclosure" but not let him actually roam in fear of him returning to his actual home.

I think OP got really attached to the cat and did think he was a stray. She was almost at the point that she was getting help to force him into a carrier to take him to the vet and get him neutered and chipped so he'd officially be hers.

Then his owner found him. She was upset and didn't want to let him go. She posted on MN wanting support for how to go about trying to get the family to hand him over, being rather silly saying the cat had deliberately left home.

A lot of people did jump on her and were unkind. So OP dug her heels in, coming up with more and more reasons why she thought the cat was unhappy and wanted to live with her. Which is silly.

She wouldn't back down so got more and more angry and aggressive and silly. Insisting the cat wasn't lost and had chosen her and whipping herself up into a frenzy. She attacked more people than were unpleasant to her in the first place.

Hopefully she's calmed down a bit, realised she was being unreasonable and emotionally overwrought and gone to do something else.

I tried to put it obviously, and help you see it from the owners point of view. You’ve totally ignored the question.

I think you should get a new cat, but also a bit of professional help

@EddieSteady thank you. At one point I thought this was troll post (obviously not)

Grief can do funny things to people. I know that.

Sometimes it feels like I'm walking around in the dark with these types of things.

Op even things you desperately want to stay leave. 💐

Not being chipped is not proof of ownership. Neither is lack of papers. I've had 5 cats over the past 30 years, none were chipped and all were house cats. They came from the shelter. I have 2 now. I suggest you do the same. Go to a shelter and adopt your own house kitty.