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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So upset, not sure what to do

717 replies

Moonstarssunsky · 20/03/2023 17:04

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 09:58

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 25/03/2023 09:55

How come you didn’t come across the owners then when you were searching for them? They sound very close.

I've already said what I did to try and locate any possible owners (if you read the thread).

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/03/2023 10:00

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 09:57

So how does that explain seeing him sitting outside in the rain (sometimes he was in the shelter) day in day out, week in week out if he knew he had caring owners and a warm home down the road?

Because cats are odd. They roam by nature and many are not remotely bothered by rain or bad weather.

My cat once spent four days living in next doors garage. He was less than 12ft from home (and our backdoor) and could have left anytime he wanted.

EddieSteady · 25/03/2023 10:00

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 09:39

Yes you're right, you've only got my word on how I've described his condition. But, seriously, do you honestly think I'd start a thread like this (,and continue to post) if I wasn't very concerned?
I have better things to do with my time.

I totally understand cats can have a multitude of houses to go to, but this cat didn't just come here for food.
As I've explained numerous times, he'd rather stay outside in the cold weather (there is a shelter, but even so, not like a warm house) than go back down the road to his home.
That speaks massive volumes, as cats love the warmth.

So, in short, he could've gone to numerous houses to be fed yes, but he chose to actially move into mine eventually. There's a reason for that.

And I've also described why I feared getting too near him at first. Yes, his owner managed to pick him up, but, again, that doesn't mean that the owner is responsible.

You're not a special person that the cat chose to move in with OP because he'd left home because he was so sad and could've had his pick of new families but chose you.

It's so strange the way you're talking. He was lost - he didn't leave home. And you were feeding him so he kept coming back for food. That's it. He didn't pick you. You're not destined to be together.

Stop imagining what a cat is thinking and imagining that you know him better and know what he wants out of life better than his owners 🙄. You're projecting your feelings onto an animal. One that doesn't belong to you.

Grapewrath · 25/03/2023 10:04

Ok, op family who don’t give a shit about their pet come and collect it then have to turn you away from their door when you want to keep it.
they care so little that they now have to keep their cat in because they are worried you’ll steal it.
They must think you’re mad.

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:05

Inkpotlover · 25/03/2023 09:58

I'll give up posting if you answer one question, which so far you have repeatedly ignored:

Did you, after opening your home to Tom, feeding him and looking after him, lock him in so he became an indoor cat or was he free to come and go?

The reason I'm asking is because that makes a huge difference as to whether the owner genuinely thought he was missing and why they didn't stick up 'Lost' posters. He could have been coming and going between your homes. As you say, it wasn't that far between your houses for him to find his way back. My question is - did you let him out so he could try?

Of course he was free to roam! Of course he was in and out of my house when he wanted.
I think this is clearly obvious by the fact that A) 'Tom' was outside when his owner saw him and picked him up'

B) The fact that I'm concerned that he'll now be made to stay indoors. I wouldn't have so much concern if I'd kept him in myself. That stands to reason surely.

And the fact the owner hadn't seen him so long means he clearly wasn't going between our homes.

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 25/03/2023 10:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Inkpotlover · 25/03/2023 10:08

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:05

Of course he was free to roam! Of course he was in and out of my house when he wanted.
I think this is clearly obvious by the fact that A) 'Tom' was outside when his owner saw him and picked him up'

B) The fact that I'm concerned that he'll now be made to stay indoors. I wouldn't have so much concern if I'd kept him in myself. That stands to reason surely.

And the fact the owner hadn't seen him so long means he clearly wasn't going between our homes.

Thank you for clarifying. I've asked for my follow up post to be removed.

Inkpotlover · 25/03/2023 10:09

The fact that I'm concerned that he'll now be made to stay indoors. I wouldn't have so much concern if I'd kept him in myself.

Yet your actions, however well meaning, are the reason he's now an indoor cat. Really sad all round.

MaryHinges · 25/03/2023 10:10

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:05

Of course he was free to roam! Of course he was in and out of my house when he wanted.
I think this is clearly obvious by the fact that A) 'Tom' was outside when his owner saw him and picked him up'

B) The fact that I'm concerned that he'll now be made to stay indoors. I wouldn't have so much concern if I'd kept him in myself. That stands to reason surely.

And the fact the owner hadn't seen him so long means he clearly wasn't going between our homes.

But the only reason he's being made to stay indoors is because he's been missing for ages then some woman up the road who's been feeding him knocked on their door wanting them to giver her their cat. I think I'd be keeping him indoors too. I'd also be reporting you in case any other cats in the area have suddenly stopped coming home....

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:10

Grapewrath · 25/03/2023 10:04

Ok, op family who don’t give a shit about their pet come and collect it then have to turn you away from their door when you want to keep it.
they care so little that they now have to keep their cat in because they are worried you’ll steal it.
They must think you’re mad.

I hope this is the last time you comment.

The owner didn't 'come and collect it' ... The young man was walking by and saw it, and took it home. I wanted to speak to the head of the household, hence why I visited the house. That's all.

OP posts:
Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:12

MaryHinges · 25/03/2023 10:10

But the only reason he's being made to stay indoors is because he's been missing for ages then some woman up the road who's been feeding him knocked on their door wanting them to giver her their cat. I think I'd be keeping him indoors too. I'd also be reporting you in case any other cats in the area have suddenly stopped coming home....

Please go away. I will absolutely not respond to your daft posts from now on.

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 25/03/2023 10:15

Grapewrath · 25/03/2023 08:58

Op- answer this
if the family didn’t love or care for the cat why would they come and get him and why wouldn’t they hand him over for money?

On the flip side why didn’t they put up lost posters or knock doors?
our cat went missing and we spent hours knocking doors in our estate and neighbouring estates asking people if they could please check their sheds and garages. And that was after a couple of days…. Rom had seemingly not been home for weeks

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:16

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

So now I presume this is the post you want removing is it?
I presume this is because you don't want people to see that you're jumping to silly conclusions, just like you and many others repeatedly have done on this thread.

OP posts:
Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:21

T1Dmama · 25/03/2023 10:15

On the flip side why didn’t they put up lost posters or knock doors?
our cat went missing and we spent hours knocking doors in our estate and neighbouring estates asking people if they could please check their sheds and garages. And that was after a couple of days…. Rom had seemingly not been home for weeks

Exactly this.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/03/2023 10:23

T1Dmama · 25/03/2023 10:15

On the flip side why didn’t they put up lost posters or knock doors?
our cat went missing and we spent hours knocking doors in our estate and neighbouring estates asking people if they could please check their sheds and garages. And that was after a couple of days…. Rom had seemingly not been home for weeks

Maybe they did and OP didn't see them - just as she says she put posters up that they didn't see.

Or maybe the cat was coming home often enough that they weren't concerned about it's health - maybe they'd seen it posted online or while out and knew it was okay and healthy.

I've had two of my cats go missing and we never put posters up or knocked on doors. I put posts on social media instead and also saw them out and about, so I knew they were okay, just roaming and not wanting to come home. They both came home of their own accord 3-4 days later.

EddieSteady · 25/03/2023 10:24

T1Dmama · 25/03/2023 10:15

On the flip side why didn’t they put up lost posters or knock doors?
our cat went missing and we spent hours knocking doors in our estate and neighbouring estates asking people if they could please check their sheds and garages. And that was after a couple of days…. Rom had seemingly not been home for weeks

We don't know that they didn't. OP claims she did that trying to find his owner but didn't make it all the way down to their house.

The owner said they hadn't seen him for months so they could well have been looking for him months ago but then gave up.

Inkpotlover · 25/03/2023 10:25

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:16

So now I presume this is the post you want removing is it?
I presume this is because you don't want people to see that you're jumping to silly conclusions, just like you and many others repeatedly have done on this thread.

I have asked for it to be removed, yes. But I'm not sure it's any sillier than your assertion that Tom must've run away from home because he was unhappy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:27

Inkpotlover · 25/03/2023 10:25

I have asked for it to be removed, yes. But I'm not sure it's any sillier than your assertion that Tom must've run away from home because he was unhappy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh ok, he was that happy at home that he'd rather sleep outdoors. 🙄

OP posts:
MaryHinges · 25/03/2023 10:28

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:10

I hope this is the last time you comment.

The owner didn't 'come and collect it' ... The young man was walking by and saw it, and took it home. I wanted to speak to the head of the household, hence why I visited the house. That's all.

Why? Why does the head of the household have to answer to you? You've already decided it wasn't technically their cat (whatever the heck that means) and then sent your old man round knocking on their door wanting them to prove ownership or hand over their pet. Can you honestly not grasp how this looks? I'd be scared of letting my cat out too if you lived near me.

Of course if you'd just got your own cat none of this would have happened...

Inkpotlover · 25/03/2023 10:33

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:27

Oh ok, he was that happy at home that he'd rather sleep outdoors. 🙄

Again, you are projecting! Unless you were tracking him 24/7 you cannot say with any certainty that he wasn't going back and forth.

I'm bowing out now. I find your unwillingness to let Tom go really sad. He's not your cat and never will be. He's now being forced to live indoors. Yet it's obvious you have so much love to give a pet and there are so many in rescue centres that need good homes. Please adopt one of those instead.

T1Dmama · 25/03/2023 10:33

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/03/2023 10:23

Maybe they did and OP didn't see them - just as she says she put posters up that they didn't see.

Or maybe the cat was coming home often enough that they weren't concerned about it's health - maybe they'd seen it posted online or while out and knew it was okay and healthy.

I've had two of my cats go missing and we never put posters up or knocked on doors. I put posts on social media instead and also saw them out and about, so I knew they were okay, just roaming and not wanting to come home. They both came home of their own accord 3-4 days later.

It’s been said that the owner said Tom had been missing for WEEKS
He doesn’t sound bothered

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/03/2023 10:34

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:27

Oh ok, he was that happy at home that he'd rather sleep outdoors. 🙄

It's convenient that you ignore all the posts from cat owners who say their cats happily sleep outdoors and roam for days at a time.

Yes, many cats who have homes to go to will choose to sleep outside. I have two cats who have roamed away from home for several days at a time - because they're cats, and that's what they do.

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 10:35

MaryHinges · 25/03/2023 10:28

Why? Why does the head of the household have to answer to you? You've already decided it wasn't technically their cat (whatever the heck that means) and then sent your old man round knocking on their door wanting them to prove ownership or hand over their pet. Can you honestly not grasp how this looks? I'd be scared of letting my cat out too if you lived near me.

Of course if you'd just got your own cat none of this would have happened...

Ok i didn't want to respond to your posts again, but i had to.
I didn't say the head of the household had to answer to me, but obviously (I can't believe how much I've used this word throughout the thread) he/she would be the person who ultimately makes the decisions.
Surely you can understand that.

Oh and please show me where I said that I 'sent my old man round' to the house'

I want you to highlight my comments about that and show me. You won't be able to though because I never wrote any such thing.
ANOTHER poster jumping to conclusions.

OP posts:
Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 25/03/2023 10:36

Moonstarssunsky · 25/03/2023 09:58

I've already said what I did to try and locate any possible owners (if you read the thread).

I have read the thread. You claim to have tried to find the owners but somehow didn’t go quite far enough down your own road to get to their house. Despite saying, in the same breath, they’re actually very close to where you live and that you know for a fact that Tom cats can roam for miles.

It just seems a bit odd that you somehow didn’t come across the owners and also didn’t have the ‘wherewithal’ to take the desperately malnourished cat to the vet.

Anyway, I don’t actually think this thread is doing anyone any good. You simply cannot see or refuse to see what 88% of posters are saying about cause and effect…

I’m sure you’re a cracking cat owner though, just get your own one rather than finding one. Because in densely populated areas lat cats generally have homes. Unless you’re in Corfu.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/03/2023 10:38

T1Dmama · 25/03/2023 10:33

It’s been said that the owner said Tom had been missing for WEEKS
He doesn’t sound bothered

If he wasn't bothered, he wouldn't have picked him up and taken him home.

If the cat had been missing for weeks, maybe they did put up posters and post on social media at first. Maybe they did ask around but never got to OP's house - just as she claims she put up posters that never reached their house. After all - if it happened to OP it could happen to them, surely?