So upset, not sure what to do

[Moonstarssunsky]

Posting here for traffic.
I'm not sure what to do over a stray cat I've been feeding etc.

I had my own cat until a few months ago when she sadly passed away. Before she passed however, a stray cat started to visit our garden and play with my cat.

The stray cat 'Tom' was so thin that we'd feed him everyday and provided shelter outside for him. We couldn't get close enough to get him into a cat carrier to take him to the vets.
After our Molly died, Tom became more confident with us and started to come into the house and stay overnight.

He put on weight and started to look healthy again. It was still difficult though trying to entice him into a cat carrier in order to check if he was chipped after all. He.was'nt neutered though, hence why we presumed he wasn't chipped either.
I recently borrowed a different kind of carrier to the one we already had, in the hope that it'd be easier to get Tom into it. Just to say, he's not the type of cat you can pick up easily.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was looking out the window and saw a young man walking past my house carrying Tom tightly in his arms. I ran out to speak to the man and saw that Tom was struggling to get free and was very distressed.
The man claimed that Tom was his cat and that he was taking him home as he hadn't seen him for some time.

I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets.

The man was adamant however that Tom was his family pet, but admitted that he'd not been chipped. He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.
The man let slip his house number (which was much further down the road) and hurried off with the cat still distressed.

I'm angry at myself for not trying to get Tom out of his arms, but I was concerned about repercussions if I did so. I'm also angry with myself for not ensuring we'd taken Tom to the vets sooner. I've no excuses for that, other than I was trying to gain his trust and needed the right carrier along with help from someone else to force him into the carrier if necessary.
A while after Tom was taken, my Dd and I visited the house where he's at and were told basically to go away (not very politely) once again, and that they'd be keeping the cat inside from now on.

I don't know what to do now. I'd love to offer money for Tom but I don't know whether to leave it for a while, as i.dont want to push things with this family.

They also have a few other cats (according to the going man) and so now I'm so upset that Tom is living with other pets and isn't happy there. If he was he wouldn't have left.
Sorry for rambling.

@Moonstarssunsky
The difference with this cat, is because he seemed as if he was starving because he was very thin, and because he was still in intact this gave me another reason to believe he was a stray.

I've asked before but I'll ask again, why don't you post the photo you took of the cat and put on the flyers you did so that people can see why you are so concerned, it might help people to understand.

Again, your posts just show that you don't see cats as animals with feelings.

You (and people like you on here) don't care whether 'Tom' is unhappy or not.

"Well Tom is now an indoor cat, that's it'

See what I mean? You're not bothered that his freedom is restricted, you're just of the attitude 'well his owners have him back in their possession, so who gives a shit that the cat is cooped up now'

And there's absolutely no concern from you (and posters with your attitude to this situation) that maybe the owners won't feed him properly, as he was so thin before.
Maybe they did feed him what they thought best, but why was he so thin?

And he wasn't thin due to a medical condition because he's gained weight and looks healthy now since being with us.

There's no way I'm going to post any photos, reason being, that would be especially outing!
Mind you, this thread could be outing enough if the owners read it.

Even so, I'm not going to post anything because it's your choice whether or not to believe me when I say how different he looks now to what he did.

The point, that you have spectacularly missed throughout is that this is not your cat. You keep protesting that you didn’t try and keep the cat- yet normal people don’t go around renaming animals that belong to someone else.
You KEEP insisting the cat was unloved and unhealthy despite having no evidence of that. You also keep insisting that the cat ran to your home because it was unhappy- despite many posters telling you that their perfectly happy and loved cats will go anywhere that feeds them.
Im not really sure why you posted on AIBU tbh you clearly don’t think you are despite the vast majority telling you otherwise.

Op we only have your word for it that he was 'too thin'. When we bought our dog, her previous owner said she was slim. She was like a barrel! We got her down to a healthy weight and her previous owner saw her and said she was 'skin and bone', our vet however says she's now a perfect weight.

Animals are meant to be slim.

Tom put on weight because you were feeding him and likely other people were too. This is what cats do.

You say Tom should get to choose his home; would you have felt the same if molly had chosen to live elsewhere in response to being fed by a stranger?

Also thin cats who have medical conditions or specific diets still gain weight when they are over fed. That doesn’t mean they ARE healthy.
A neighbour fed my naturally slim cat- she became very chunky as a result and also went into kidney failure because she was in a specific diet

I'm not sure a photo of a cat, unless it is particularly unusual would be more outing than what you have actually already said, but never mind, sorry for trying to help you.

@Moonstarssunsky well you caused Tom to be an inside cat (yes your actions did), so that's it.

Don't tell me that I don't understand cats, you are not the gods authority, no matter what you think.

You've meant well, but you've made a lot of assumptions that may not be true. I took on a very nervous cat whose owner I knew had gone away; he stayed very clear of everyone except me, from that very first day. Any cat missing for some time might get thin, but if the cat didn't try to actually move in with you then it hadn't chosen you as a new owner. The young man also wouldn't go to the bother of taking the cat home if he didn't care for it.

Your upset and justifications are because you let yourself love the cat. It's unfortunate for you that you couldn't keep him, but could be hugely fortunate for whatever rescue cat you get. I suggest getting one sooner rather than later, it sounds like you have a really lovely home to give to a cat in need.

Obviously I can't 'ask him', but judging by the fact he continuously came to us and would stay in the shelter outside (even in cold weather, when he had a home down the road to go to) and was so thin and not neutered, do you think he came from a responsible owner?

I'd like you to answer the question.

Oh please, don't be so ridiculous

I think the cat being thin has been answered many, many times. Also lots of cards are not neutered as per the owners discretion or they can look intact when neutered.
The cat kept coming back because you were feeding it extra food. Animals do that.
The owners clearly love their cat- otherwise they wouldn’t have retrieved it and refused your offer to pay for it. Why would they want to keep a car they didn’t want? It makes no sense.
These points have been addressed many times by many people, yet for some reason you still insist the cat is happier with you. It’s isn’t. You need to move on.

Also maybe if you hadn’t accosted the owner and then gone round the house, they’d feel more comfortable with letting him back out. They probably feel nervous that you’re going to steal him as you have massively over stepped

Yes actually I DO think my family and I should keep the cat. Although I know we can't.
And that's not because we've grown attached to him, but because it's clear he wasn't well looked after or happy where he came from.
I'm quite astounded that posters can't get their heads around this.

I haven't 'accosted' anyone thank you. Read the thread properly and you will see.

And you've said the cat isn't happier with us.
Tell me, how do YOU KNOW THIS? You seem certain you know everything else, so I'd love to know your answer.

@Moonstarssunsky yes I do think he came from a responsible owner, I think you've tried very hard to twist this, to make it sound like that wasn't the case.

But they've taken their cat home and prevented any more issues by keeping him indoors.

You sound like the absolute crank over the road from me who kept saying my ‘poor cat’ was too thin and ‘loved her biscuits and couch’ despite her having a serious condition. My cat would go to her frequently because she fed her. She kept offering to take Tia off our hands as ‘we were too busy at work and didn’t feed her enough’
She was like you, she came round etc and it made me feel super uncomfortable. I’d hear her rattling her biscuit tin to try and entice my cat away.
Anyway. I ended up keeping Tia as a house cat until we moved because I was nervous this strange lady would just take her.
This is literally what you at backing this family into doing.
Please let it go and get your own pet.

How do you know he IS?
The cat came to your house because you keep feeding him?! He’s an animal that’s what they do!

‘I explained that we'd been caring for Tom and were gaining his confidence in us and that we'd love to keep him and get him checked and neutered at the vets’.

This right here is you accosting the owner who was retrieving his pet

I think the owner picking up his cat and informing you that he was going to get them neutered and chipped, is a sign that that he's learning to be a more responsible owner.

The fact that he is now keeping his cat indoors is because he does care about his cat, and doesn't want him to find a new home where he has extra meals.

This is the easiest question to answer - he wasn't walking down the road to yours, it's almost inevitable as a male Tom that he'd wandered too far and didn't know where to go back so he took shelter at the first place that was warm, safe and had a good supply. This is literally what cats do the world over, and male un neutered cats are renowned for it (he probably wandered off looking for either a fight or a shag).

He was skinny because he'd probably not eaten much. It's not unusual again for cats to wander off for sometimes days or weeks on end and they nearly always come back scraggy, unless someone else was feeding them of course.

I personally think he should be neutered as male Tom's cause no end of issues in areas with lots of cats so the owner is wrong there, but everything else is normal cat behaviour and not the owners fault from what we know.

Your complete lack of understanding of cats, plus hysterical reaction to this situation Is worrying, and yes - you did basically try to take the cat off it's actual owner.

I ended up keeping Tia as a house cat until we moved because I was nervous this strange lady would just take her.
This is literally what you at backing this family into doing.

Agreed. If Tom wasn't a house cat before he is now because OP asked the owner quite categorically if she could adopt him. I'd keep my cat indoors if I thought a neighbour had designs on her! This is what OP said the owner told her:

He said that his family were going to chip the cat immediately, and added that he'd make Tom into an indoor cat just so that he doesn't try to come back to me and my family.

He clearly doesn't trust OP not to take him now. Poor Tom.

it's clear he wasn't well looked after or happy where he came from. I'm quite astounded that posters can't get their heads around this.

What posters are struggling to get their heads round is the fact you persist in claiming the cat wasn't well looked after or happy, OP. You have no idea/proof that was the case!! My cat is very skinny because she has a kidney condition that requires a strictly controlled diet and medication. To onlookers she will look underfed. She's not at all, she's just very lean and needs to be. Someone else feeding her food outside of her diet could kill her.

Unless you had taken Tom to a vet and had him medically checked for every underlying condition, you cannot possibly state that he was unwell or unhappy. And cats are natural scavengers - of course they'll eat if someone puts food down in front of them! Him eating at your house is not a sign that he was unhappy at his. Why can't you accept that?

He'd wandered to far and didn't know where to go back

This just shows how little you must know about cats. Tom cats can travel for miles and easily find their way home.
So that blows your assumption that this 'Tom' must've got lost. His owners live down the road!
Now there's my supposed 'hysterical reaction to this situation' to add the the lists of insults from some posters.

There's nothing 'hysterical' about my postings on here because I've been concerned for the welfare of a particular cat.

Op- answer this
if the family didn’t love or care for the cat why would they come and get him and why wouldn’t they hand him over for money?