SIL ruining Mothers Day

[Lilyrose84]

Yesterday starting off really well.

DH's phone kept pinging every few minutes. He said it was his sister chasing us to confirm dates for her to come and visit. We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long. At 5pm he asked if we could sit down and look at dates and respond to his sister. I said I thought we had already agreed we were saying no and he had told them that.

Cue DH slamming his laptop down and storming out of the room with accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins. It turns out MIL had also called him that morning and DH had told him of our plans and it became all about DN and SIL also needing a holiday / break etc etc. I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I ended up going for a walk, but I am furious that despite us already saying no, they couldn't accept this. It happens every time I put try to put boundaries in place. I had previously said no to a weekend because I had booked DH a surprise weekend. They went on and on and despite me already telling them it was because I had booked a weekend, I ended up having to tell DH about his weekend away.

I know DH is equally at fault here as it was mothers day and he knew it would create an argument, but I am really annoyed that they felt the need to challenge a no on what was meant to be my day to relax and chill out. AIBU?

He ruined it. Why does he care more about everyone else’s feelings than yours? He can get together with her and all the DC without you if he’s adequately bothered and knows you and she don’t get on.

You're blaming the wrong person...

We had already said no to her. She couldn't leave it and decided to go on and on by endless messaging

It’s frustrating that they won’t accept boundaries but he ruined it. He needs to say to his mum it’s nothing to do with her and to butt out. We have a family member who is very tricky and both DH and I are clear on boundaries

Who said no? It sounds like your DH wants to spend time with his sister and you are doing whatever you can to be obstructive.

We both said no.

Because clearly nagging her brother works. She /MIL are used to getting their own way.

DH needs to agree they aren’t visiting and then stick to it. He also needs to acknowledge they will nag because they hope he’ll give in because he always does. It will be tough but he has to accept they will keep asking and won’t just accept it (as do you) because they are used to being able to get him to agree.

Utterly frustrating. But you do need to sit your DH down and ask what is up? And why he can't stick to a boundary. Especially as he clearly doesn't get on well with his sister (based on the sniping).

I think there’s possibly a middle ground where she can stay for 2/3 nights max?? As you have other things going on (work, appointments etc.). How far away does she live? Can she get an Air Bnb if she wants to stay longer?

I am not being obstructive. I am trying to safeguard my own mental health. Some of the comments previously made have been very hurtful. I have a right to set boundaries and say no when it happens in my own home.

I don’t really see what Mothers Day has to do with it at all.

If you don’t want her to stay, then don’t have her. Either you’ve been saying a week is too long but keeping the option open for coming, in which case I can see why wires got crossed, or you’ve said no outright and your DH is ignoring it or has a different opinion. Take it up with him.

Still blaming the wrong person...

Your husband could have not engaged, put the phone on silent, muted her, blocked her, called her and told her to stop, or hoyed the phone out of the window.

HE didn't.

HE allowed it to continue.

HE is the only person in this situation with a responsibility to you.

HE chose this.

Stop blaming SIL - this is on your DH.

I'm not sure why it's ruined mothers day though? Perhaps I see it differently, for us it's a fairly normal day where chores and life discussions still take place. My DH doesn't drive so most of my day was spent taxi-ing teens around various sporting activities.

Also regarding seeing his sister, he does have a right to do that if he wants, wanting a discussion about it isn't unreasonable on his part.

I don’t believe for a minute that you and your dh said no and she pretends it didn’t happen and continues to push.

I am going to guess, behind you back, your dh is giving them green light.

He is your issue. Not them.

From what you are saying it sounds like a mixture of:

DH struggles with saying no his mother and his sister.

He would like to see her more but knows that you two don't get on.

He doesn't quite see the problems with SIL that you do.

You say he said these things:
accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins.

I'm playing devils advocate here. But is some of what he's saying true?

Can you be honest with him and say you don't like his sister but would tollerate a 2/3 day stay at a time which suits you ALL and that you need him to keep his mother out of it? In better words obvs.

Can he go for a shorter amount of time and take the kids? A week is insanity anyway. If you already don’t get on with them, who gives a shit what they think and say? You won’t have to hear it.

If she was messaging your husband, it doesn't sound like the "no" was very clear. I can't imagine a scenario where he had clearly turned down her request for a visit and she kept pestering him. Who would want to stay in a house where it was clear they weren't welcome? There's some miscommunication happening here and as difficult as she sounds, I don't think she's the source of it.

And what rights does your dh have about what happens in his house? Does your mh often stop him seeing his family? Does your mh control aot of what is agreed between you?

It certainly doesn't sound like it was a no from your DH. He's not wrong for wanting to spend time with his family, you're not wrong for not wanting to. But it surely can't just be that one of you gets your own way on it...compromise is the key.

This!

And if it was a man stopping contact between his wife and her family that would have 'red flags' all over it.

You and DH agreed to say no. DH didn't tell SIL no because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. He left it until today because he wants YOU to tell SIL she can't come but you didn't. So he blames you.

DH is the one who is creating all the drama.

If anyone ruined Mother’s Day - and I’m not convinced anyone really was in the wrong - it was your DH. Ably assisted by you.

your DH didn’t communicate your no to his sister and it seems he interpreted your no she can’t come for a week as she can at least come for a period of time.

you need to come up with a solution that allows your DH to continue a relationship with his family.

curious what the childcare issue is, do you rely on your sil for childcare?

can you go away and stay with your own parents/sibling if you have one for a few days so that DH and his sister can have some quality time together and you don't have to deal with it?

So sil wants a free trip away and is disguising it as providing free child care?

What length of time would you be prepared for her to visit? If none then is there a way the SIL and cousins can meet up with your kids and dh without you?