SIL ruining Mothers Day

[Lilyrose84]

Yesterday starting off really well.

DH's phone kept pinging every few minutes. He said it was his sister chasing us to confirm dates for her to come and visit. We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long. At 5pm he asked if we could sit down and look at dates and respond to his sister. I said I thought we had already agreed we were saying no and he had told them that.

Cue DH slamming his laptop down and storming out of the room with accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins. It turns out MIL had also called him that morning and DH had told him of our plans and it became all about DN and SIL also needing a holiday / break etc etc. I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I ended up going for a walk, but I am furious that despite us already saying no, they couldn't accept this. It happens every time I put try to put boundaries in place. I had previously said no to a weekend because I had booked DH a surprise weekend. They went on and on and despite me already telling them it was because I had booked a weekend, I ended up having to tell DH about his weekend away.

I know DH is equally at fault here as it was mothers day and he knew it would create an argument, but I am really annoyed that they felt the need to challenge a no on what was meant to be my day to relax and chill out. AIBU?

We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long.

Had you been clear that you didn't want any visit at all, regardless of length? This makes it sound as if you would be ok with her visiting, just not for more than a week. Is it possible your DH thought the visit was still on but the length neede to be negotiated?

Or maybe he was never really on board with his sister not coming but he felt he pressured into agreeing? We don't know.

From what op has wrote her DH agreed to sil not coming for a week, he did not agree to her not coming at all.

Sounds like it yeah.

This is OP's key to solving the issue (for this time - it's going to take more work than a one-off compromise).

OP - when things are calm & DH will be receptive, tell him you think you are at cross-purposes due to a misunderstanding of what you each precisely meant by "no".
Tell him that if he had interpreted this as NO to the whole week, rather than NO full stop, you can see how the argument blew up.
Tell him that above all else you want understanding & agreement IN YOUR OWN FAMILY so you both need to be 100% clear & united going forward.

Then you can start negotiating.
I'd be tempted to say she can come for a long weekend, but make sure I had a 'pre-booked' overnight stay with a friend to go to on say the saturday night. Just leave them to get on with it, DH can host, & take care of his kids.
And for the remainder of the time, GREY ROCK SiL.
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

Agree with other posts
It's fine for you to not want sil in your home-you're doing the right thing. Family members can meet up without staying with each other for a week, that's a recipe for disaster in even the closest knit families.

What's not clear is a) what DH wants and b) what he's told his sister

• does he want to see her but is deferring to you not wanting to have her stay in your house for a week, which is fine but the onus is then on him to arrange something else. Or does he also not want to see her in which case he needs to communicate that clearly to her and his mother and then just ignore/block any further messages asking about it

I'm guessing what he, like a lot of blokes, actually want is an easy life so is choosing the path of least resistance therefore whoever nags him most will "win". In which case you just need to draw your boundary "SIL is not staying at our house for any length of time" and then it's up to him how to operate within that, whether she books a hotel, he goes to see her, they both stay with their mother, whatever.

Wouldn't be at all surprised if you're right.
DH seems to say yes to the last woman who challenges him.
Then lash out when he finds himself caught in the crossfire.

But agree with others -SIL didn't "ruin" mothers day, DH did. He could have ignored her messages or not told you about them or just handled it himself - he brought up the topic after you'd already said no so knew it would cause an argument.

Why does she need to stay with you? What about her mum?

what favour is she doing?

Very clearly, SIL involved MIL and that put DH in firing line from three mothers on Mother's day; absolutely no doubt that SIL and MIl both played the M'day card.

There is a very obviour (to me) solution, that instead of leaving visit arrangements to DH, (which appears to not be a new problem ) you get in the driving seat and deal direct with SIL and MIL. You can stand up to their games in ways he can't.

Phone SIL and tell her "I have to tell you, what you're about to hear is what DH and I had previously agreed ; we had decided he would tell you you can't come.
Yesterday you repeatedly phoned and nagged until he caved in. But I'm not having it.. For the last time; you can't come that week. " put phone down.

    DH will probably be very relieved when you tell him, you realised he was in an impossible situation so you took charge.  Then tell him, this is NOT the end of relations with his sister and Mother.  It's  you putting the ball back in SIL's court. It's now up to SIL to  change her behaviour.  And he, and his MIL, can be responsible for explaining to SIL  what changes are required.

I never wrote slamming a laptop is bullying, you took that from the post.

YOU misread.

I think he IS bullying her.

Other behaviour like slamming his laptop shut is aggressive behaviour.

You have misread the post.

It sounds like your DH wants your SIL to stay. It's his house too so I'm not sure why your preference takes priority. Maybe a compromise where she comes for fewer days will work. Or perhaps she could come for the week but you could go somewhere else the last three or four days?

I agree. OP and some of the posters on this thread sound like the controlling ones.

It seems like you said 'no' but your DH didn't agree with it.
Yy it's fine to set boundaries. In fact, it's essential. But it isn't just your home and you can't ride roughshod over what your DH wants or try to micromanage his relationship with his family. Fwiw I doubt your MIL wanted her mother's day ruined trying to negotiate between her adult DCs and DIL.

This isn't on your SIL or your MIL. It's on your DH. You need an open, honest conversation about SIL. My DH has family and friends that I don't like. Likewise I have friends/family he doesn't like. We're still 'allowed' to invite them to our home. The other person just arranges to be away or upstairs.

theres so many people who would do great if they took the advice I always give to my kids but I think we as adults forget to- how would you feel? If it was you or your sister brother mam etc, how would you like people to say about boundaries etc- personally if my brother said oh sorry no, you can only see us at x y or z times because my wife needs boundaries, Id be gutted! And before you say anything I do tell my dh to see his family as much as possible, I do sometimes have to suck it up or get out of the house, but it’s because I love him and nobody should lose access to their family just because they get married

How do you know OP is not bullying him? She’s the one controlling when he sees his family, after all.

Yup.

There's a lot of what you like and what you want but what about DH, what does he want?

Does he want to see his sister and for his children to spend time with their cousins and Aunt?

Surely you need to reach a compromise

I couldn't agree more with this.

Phone SIL and tell her "I have to tell you, what you're about to hear is what DH and I had previously agreed ; we had decided he would tell you you can't come.
Yesterday you repeatedly phoned and nagged until he caved in. But I'm not having it.. For the last time; you can't come that week. " put phone down.

This....
Don't leave it for your DH to relay the agreed...
Give SIL a call yourself and explain why you're not up to her staying.
As DH thinks it's not right for the cousins to miss time together you could arrange day mid way between families to meet up somewhere that suits all.

I am not controlling DH or stopping him from seeing his family. However, when you become the butt of rude jokes over weight, the way you look (his family were all upset DC looks like me, told I'm not good enough for DB etc etc) then there comes a time when enough is enough and for the 1st time I have put my foot down and saying no. I will no longer be verbally insulted in my own home. Behaviours have consequences. I've spent nearly every Christmas with the in-laws so they can see DC. I have never stopped any family from visiting, but SIL went too far and I will no longer accept being spoken to or treated like that. DH has told her, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I am not controlling DH, but I ask if somebody came into your home and basically told you that they DB could do better, you need to lose weight would you want to welcome them again?!

Agree.

Let your husband facilitate the cousins meeting.

Having a SIL that you don't get on with, who bickers with your husband and wants to stay a week, not accepting NO, is not acceptable.

OP, the issue that comes with "your rights in your house "overlooks the fact that your partner has those very same rights in his house.

If you 2 cannot reach some compromise , then your living together will always be filled with conflict. He obviously feels as though his family should be able to visit him in his home and that is not a totally unreasonable expectation.

If your MH is fragile then perhaps you need to seek counseling. In any case, it seems that the real problem is that you and your partner do not communicate in an effective manner.

Can't you go away for a weekend and let her come and stay with your DH and child?

Perhaps you could go to your parents or a UK holiday

Your husband sounds worse with every post.

Standing by and accepting you being treated poorly and now bullying you into allowing her to visit.

Stick to your guns.

What an utter loser he is.

Thats one hell of a drip feed.

Definitely one hell of a drip feed.