SIL ruining Mothers Day

[Lilyrose84]

Yesterday starting off really well.

DH's phone kept pinging every few minutes. He said it was his sister chasing us to confirm dates for her to come and visit. We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long. At 5pm he asked if we could sit down and look at dates and respond to his sister. I said I thought we had already agreed we were saying no and he had told them that.

Cue DH slamming his laptop down and storming out of the room with accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins. It turns out MIL had also called him that morning and DH had told him of our plans and it became all about DN and SIL also needing a holiday / break etc etc. I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I ended up going for a walk, but I am furious that despite us already saying no, they couldn't accept this. It happens every time I put try to put boundaries in place. I had previously said no to a weekend because I had booked DH a surprise weekend. They went on and on and despite me already telling them it was because I had booked a weekend, I ended up having to tell DH about his weekend away.

I know DH is equally at fault here as it was mothers day and he knew it would create an argument, but I am really annoyed that they felt the need to challenge a no on what was meant to be my day to relax and chill out. AIBU?

I ask if somebody came into your home and basically told you that they DB could do better, you need to lose weight would you want to welcome them again?!

But have you actually told her that this is why she's not welcome?

If not then you need to. It'll put a stop to her asking I'm sure.

Believe it’s happened in some families. You are lucky if yours are not like this. My relatives would do this. I stuck to my “no”a couple of times and then I moved away so less everyday interactions but every time I visited they were still pushing boundaries. So I’m not surprised at OP’s post at all.

@Lilyrose84 your DH is at fault. He should have told them no in a negotiating way and then there was no necessity to even mention these phone calls to you. It didn’t matter that it’s Mother's day, his behavior would be wrong for me on any day.

Weird then that I could read in the OP '[SIL] makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.'

Typical that people ignore the OP and then cry drip feeding.

like they say how your rights stop at my skin Ie you can’t hit me/stab me etc and call it your rights, his rights to live in his house don’t necessarily include inviting people who will insult his wife. It doesn’t sound like he booted his sister out last time she told the op she was fat and her brother could do better and should find someone else! He has a right to a relationship with his family but it sounds like he’s given up the right to have that relationship in his home with this sister. He will have to go and visit his sister or meet her somewhere else.

has your mil been told what sil said to you op? Id be tempted to tell her and say stop asking. No one who speaks to me like that is staying with us. It’s not a help in any way, it’s being nastily bullied in my own home, and it won’t ever happen again because she is not staying.

No one died, your house didn’t burn down. The day wasn’t ruined it just didn’t meet your expectations.

A week of visitors, is four or five nights too many, I don't care who they are.

I'm sorry you had a shit day yesterday. You do not want SIL and family to stay at your house. DH wants them in his house.

You can either try and ban them, which I don't see going very well, or you can say absolutely, have them to stay for as long as you want! And arrange to be elswewhere. There is no law that says you must get on with your husbands family, or spend extended periods of time with them. Book a yoga retreat, a woodworking workshop, go on a tour of the Premier Inns of random places you've never been to and have a lot of baths and read a lot of books.

You don't like her, she doesn't like you, arrange to be somewhere else, wish them well and leave them to it, and don't you dare be stripping and washing beds when you get back either! 😂

Oh come off it, the boards are full of people saying their Mother’s Day was spoilt and not a single one of them are saying it’s because their house burnt down or someone close to them died. Emotions are real and women are allowed to have expectations of their partner being nice to them on Mother’s Day at the very least.

Why is she so keen to come, if she snipes at your husband and thinks you aren't good enough for the family? For a whole week?
Do you live somewhere that's very appealing to visit, and it's free holiday accommodation?

she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

This was in the original post. Its not a drip feed, she clearly explained it.

OP, you have an in law and a husband problem. There's no way I'd expected my partner to host someone who treated him this badly.

This is what I read clearly from the OP's posts too.

I wouldn't tolerate a person in my home if they did this ONCE, and the OP implied it has gone on for a while.

But it is a shit husband problem for sure.

I have voted 'YABU'

The problem as I see it, is that you didn't say 'no', you agreed with your DH that 'a week was too long.' - that is definitely not a 'no'

BTW I absolutely would not have anyone in my house who spoke to me like that. Your DH needs to support you if they are putting you down. If he wants to maintain a relationship with him, he needs to visiti them.

Well done for laying down some boundaries OP! You do not need to open your doors for these people. They wouldn't have stepped foot in my house after the first insult. Your DH backed down because its easier to hurt you than them. Remind him how wicked your SIL has been to you.
Also don't understand the drip feed? It says in the first post that SIL wasnt pleasant 🙄

Since the Op is blaming everyone else but the DH, for what’s happened, I don’t wonder if the uncomfortableness, the weight comments etc are coming from the SIL.

Or if it’s how the Dh behaves and sil and mil get the blame.

If you both said no, you would not have a problem end-of-story.

You have a problem with your DH. You need to woman-up and face the issue.

Every bit of this!

I don't understand why she is welcome in your home again.

SIL needs to stop asking, MIL needs to butt out and your DH needs to respect your very reasonable boundaries.

You feel upset for good reason. An unresolved issue reared it's ugly head and your husband did not deal with it.

You need to calmly remind husband that it is his sister who was rude and that it is a fact that she no longer stays for a week. That you trust him to stick to joint arrangements and that he will communicate with his family.
Ask husband to not involve you with the communication.
You don't want to hear text bickering between the siblings.

You also need to resolve with husband how long and when the sister can visit. Will you give SIL a chance? Perhaps try two nights and two days. Decide the days. Have husband communicate them and have him inform his sister that he will ask her to leave should she be hurtful.

Your husband needs to step up as host and you need to arrange alone time for youself during the stay. Hopefully the SIL will improve. If not the chance is gone and DH will need to visit at her house or in the park.

Arrant nonsense. DH can see his sister - away from their home. If this means he doesn't see her because this involves too much effort or inconvenience to him then that is entirely on him.

Anyone is - or should be - entitled to a veto when it comes to the question of people bullying them in their own home. Plenty of extended family members have found this out when they ill-treat someone - more often an in-law - in which DH and the DC maintain a relationship with this person but the DW has no input or involvement.

This is the antithesis of 'controlling', which seems to be MN's stock accusation these days to anyone who wants to maintain something approximating boundaries.

OP you should not have someone staying under your roof for any duration if they are bullying you or adversely affecting your mental health. The accusation that you're putting prohibitions on your husband's interactions with his family, and that not having them to stay in your home is in any way 'controlling', is merely people being provocative.

I would not for one nanosecond consider inviting a family member of mine to stay if I knew they'd been unpleasant to my husband. What loving partner would?

I personally think you’ve a bigger issue. Which is if your sil is genuinely insulting uou and saying the things you are saying she says why does your husband say he doesn’t see the issue with her and you’re the problem ? For me I think your husband is the problem here.

What?

I am not talking about my family or your family.

I am talking about the Ops. I fully believe he hasn’t told her no, or told her no then told her changed his mind and he would talk OP round.

That’s my opinion on the Ops situation. Nor generally, not your family, not mine. The OPs.

This is the antithesis of 'controlling', which seems to be MN's stock accusation these days to anyone who wants to maintain something approximating boundaries.

👆 Especially when it's women, after experiencing years of shitty treatment.

However, when you become the butt of rude jokes over weight, the way you look (his family were all upset DC looks like me, told I'm not good enough for DB etc etc) then there comes a time when enough is enough

Your H’s family are foul. Good people do not treat other people this way. Why on earth is your H allowing them to speak to you that way? And not only that, actually having a tantrum because you don’t want these horrible twats in your home for a week?

I would say ok, you have her here for those dates and me and the kids are going on holiday. Then you can have family time! I bet he quickly backtracks when he has to deal with it solo

We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long.

I don't really understand why this meant that the answer was an outright No? Could you not have considered offering a compromise, say two or three days - maybe even on the basis that you personally would be out most of the time and your DH would host?

NO WAY would I have ANYONE stay a week at my house least of all if I did not like them and definitely if they made smart comments. You should not be made facilitate this shite. let them stay somewhere else.

She sounds like a nightmare. I’d stick to your guns on this one.