SIL ruining Mothers Day

[Lilyrose84]

Yesterday starting off really well.

DH's phone kept pinging every few minutes. He said it was his sister chasing us to confirm dates for her to come and visit. We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long. At 5pm he asked if we could sit down and look at dates and respond to his sister. I said I thought we had already agreed we were saying no and he had told them that.

Cue DH slamming his laptop down and storming out of the room with accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins. It turns out MIL had also called him that morning and DH had told him of our plans and it became all about DN and SIL also needing a holiday / break etc etc. I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I ended up going for a walk, but I am furious that despite us already saying no, they couldn't accept this. It happens every time I put try to put boundaries in place. I had previously said no to a weekend because I had booked DH a surprise weekend. They went on and on and despite me already telling them it was because I had booked a weekend, I ended up having to tell DH about his weekend away.

I know DH is equally at fault here as it was mothers day and he knew it would create an argument, but I am really annoyed that they felt the need to challenge a no on what was meant to be my day to relax and chill out. AIBU?

And if it was a man stopping contact between his wife and her family that would have 'red flags' all over it.

To be fair, not wanting someone to stay in your house for a week is hardly 'stopping contact'.

It sounds very much as though there has been a breakdown in communication. Perhaps your DH thought 'no' only referred to the length of the stay and that's why your SIL keeps pressing. Or maybe he simply didn't make the 'no' clear enough. Or your SIL has misunderstood. I'm also not sure what this has to do with Mother's Day.

Not if the family were abusive to him.

He could have put his phone on silent and just ignored them.

Stop blaming the women for his behaviour.

she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I can't believe are telling you to have someone in your home who does this to you.

This place has gone to shit.

OP, put your foot down, that bitch shouldn't be allowed in your home. DH can go and stay with her for a week.

Who ends up doing the cooking, sheet changes etc when SIL visits? I bet it's not DH.

Sorry I think YABU. Even if they still bicker DH should be allowed to host his sister sometimes and you all need to learn to compromise.

It does sound like you're angry at her for things that are your DH'a fault, which won't help any of the relationships at play here.

Maybe have her over for half the time but make some plans for yourself during her stay to break it up.

I think if it was man who was trying to keep his wife's siblings at a distance on here, they'd be accused of being abusive and isolating them.

Having guests can be really stressful, not relaxing, not conducive to optimum mental health, but sometimes we just have to put ourselves out for our family. Develop coping strategies rather than forcing our love ones to opt out of everything. Again, it's compromise. You don't have to commit to all, be on hand constantly, do it every time. But you should do it sometimes.

OP,

You sound very bullied by your husband.

Be very careful of that.

Slamming his laptop in temper to emphasis the point.

Tell him to go and visit HIS sister.

Do not have another child with a man who feels so comfortable bullying you.

His sister upsets you so he needs to see her elsewhere.

Do not allow yourself to be bullied.

The bullying only gets worse.

Slamming his laptop in temper to emphasis the point.

This isn't bullying.

I totally misunderstood. I thought she wanted you to go to hers, not that she was demanding she stay at yours. No. Fuck that. He can see them anywhere else, but they do not have a right to invade your home for a week and then be a cunt to you. Not again.

Maybe not in isolation, but it is an aggressive action, though.

100% what @Azandme has said.

It's down to your DH not shutting down their repeated requests.

He needs to say "Your repeated requests to come to stay are now causing issues between me and my wife. I have said no and I mean no. Stop asking. Stop hassling me about this. I'm not going to change my mind on this"
or something along those lines.

He may have said no and it's coming from 'both' of you but only one of you is standing by that no. The other is wavering and is not shutting down any further questions/requests for visits.

This is your DH causing these issues. He's very clever and deflecting the issue by going "Oh...look over there at where my sister and mother are...that's where the issue is...over there...look...it's them causing the issue" except it really isn't.

You have every right to say no to someone staying in your home. Your hubby was taking out his anger on you.

I've closed my laptop smartly when frustrated. It's not aggressive. It's not bullying.

What @Tomkirkman said.
I strongly suspect that what you through was a joint "no" hasn't been clearly communicated to SIL by your dh.

I know it's easier for you to place all the blame on SiL, but this is DH's fault.

You had reached an agreement with him, & he reneged on it to make HIS life easier. probably because he can't stand up to his mother.
He didn't need to respond to her messages beyond a single "we've said no this time, you need to accept that, we'll arrange something another time."
Punishing you for asking him why he was unable to stick to your agreement was vile.

She does sounds at the very least a CF though, & probably worse - it seems she enlisted MiL as her Flying Monkey to put pressure on DH.

DH needs to break out of the FOG -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Would it be possible for her to visit for a few days, and at the same time, you go and visit friends/family? Or does your DH want you there too? Just a thought.

To anyone saying they aren't sure why the OP is saying that it has ruined Mother's Day, I'm going to suggest that this all happened on Sunday which effectively ruined the OP's day. The OP probably could have said "SiL ruining my Sunday" instead but as they were both happening on the same day, Mother's Day took precedence.

We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long.

This sounds very much like you interpreted the outcome of the discussion to be that SIL was not visiting at all, whereas your husband interpreted it as a week being too long and she would visit for a shorter time. Then he wanted to discuss dates with you for the shorter visit and you shut him down.
He is unreasonable to storm out over it. You are very unreasonable to not allow his family to visit. Preventing a spouse from spending time with their family is toxic.

you say she ciriticises your relationship
does she have a point?

This. Why didn’t he put his phone in another room or turn it off?

Storming about & making accusations of ingratitude are though.
It's not the isolated incident, it's the pattern of behaviour.

Which is clearly engrained throughout DH's family:
SiL hears a no. SiL refuses to accept it.
SiL enlists MiL as Flying Monkey.
MiL bullies DH.
DH can't maintain his boundaries, feels trapped between SiL, MiL & DW, lashes out & bullies DW.

DH's family sounds dysfunctional.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

OP - when everyone has calmed down, say to DH that when he says no to his mum or sister, he needs to be prepared for them to nag him and go on and on about it because that’s how they’ve learned to get him to change his mind.

if he really wants them to visit, he should say so to you. If he doesn’t want to but thinks the easy option is to give in to his sisters nagging and upset you, and is now annoyed you aren’t being the easy option, then he needs to acknowledge that.

if he wants to see his sister, can he go to hers? Can they arrange it when you can go away with the dcs and leave them here alone? What would work? If he doesn’t really want to see them, then how can you help him be firm in his “no” to them?

treat it as a joint problem.

He needs to say "Your repeated requests to come to stay are now causing issues between me and my wife. I have said no and I mean no. Stop asking. Stop hassling me about this. I'm not going to change my mind on this"
or something along those lines

He could equally say the same to his wife imo, she is ruining the relationship between him and his family, her dc and their cousins.

Apart from her dh and his sister bickering and then op feeling drained she hasn't actually said anything that her SIL has done wrong.

From what op has wrote her DH agreed to sil not coming for a week, he did not agree to her not coming at all.

Is there a chance that you didn't communicate well with your DH. You may have thought a week's request was a big ask and that meant NO. He might have thought you said no to a week, but maybe not for a shorter time, and then wanted to discuss dates for a shorter visit.

DH has family members I don't really want to see, but the deal is that if he wants to see them and have the DC see them, either he visits them or arranges everything and I don't lift a finger. And no more than a day or two as more than that is when the difficult comments start.

It’s his home too and he has equal rights. If he wants his sister to stay he should get a say.

Apart from her dh and his sister bickering and then op feeling drained she hasn't actually said anything that her SIL has done wrong.

I suspect any of us would be upset to have our husbands tell us we are ungrateful to not want to welcome this into our homes for a week:

my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.