SIL ruining Mothers Day

[Lilyrose84]

Yesterday starting off really well.

DH's phone kept pinging every few minutes. He said it was his sister chasing us to confirm dates for her to come and visit. We had previously discussed it earlier in the week and we both felt her request to stay for over a week was too long. At 5pm he asked if we could sit down and look at dates and respond to his sister. I said I thought we had already agreed we were saying no and he had told them that.

Cue DH slamming his laptop down and storming out of the room with accusations about me not liking his sister (we have a tense relationship at best) and how she was doing us a favour as would be providing childcare, how ungrateful I was for her support and her unfair it was to prevent DC spending time with her cousins. It turns out MIL had also called him that morning and DH had told him of our plans and it became all about DN and SIL also needing a holiday / break etc etc. I told him that I needed to set boundaries as my mental health suffered every time she visited. DH and SIL start sniping at one another, she makes comments and I end up feeling drained, upset and judged about my appearance, weight and relationship with DH.

I ended up going for a walk, but I am furious that despite us already saying no, they couldn't accept this. It happens every time I put try to put boundaries in place. I had previously said no to a weekend because I had booked DH a surprise weekend. They went on and on and despite me already telling them it was because I had booked a weekend, I ended up having to tell DH about his weekend away.

I know DH is equally at fault here as it was mothers day and he knew it would create an argument, but I am really annoyed that they felt the need to challenge a no on what was meant to be my day to relax and chill out. AIBU?

You still haven’t addressed the childcare that your SIL would be providing?

was she visiting to provide childcare? Who agreed to that?

No way would I have people who speak to me like that in my house.

I am surprised your DH didn't stand up for you. If my siblings or parents spoke to my DH like that they would be told off immediately.

To be fair I would also not want anyone speaking like this in front of my children. They sound like bullies.

Did you not read or understand what the OP said about the comments directed at her by her SIL affecting her mental health ? Why should she put up with that in her own home ? Would you ? If she wants to see more of her DB then she should behave better in his home and they should keep their sniping at each other between the two of them.

If the boot was on the other foot and OP’s sibling was rude and demeaning towards her husband, he would also be well within his rights to refuse to have them in his home imo.

His relationship with his sibling doesn’t have to be dependent on her staying in your home.

OP’s problem does lie with her husband, but SIL is a CF and boundary-pushing problem in her own right. I would defend your line in the sand here, OP, do not let them think they can continue to ride roughshod over you. People like that rarely appreciate a compromise, rather they take one as proof they can force their own way.

Did you not read or understand what the OP said about the comments directed at her by her SIL affecting her mental health ?

why does the OP want someone who treats her so badly to provide childcare for her?

if SILs behaviour is so bad OP doesn’t want her in the house she shouldn’t have her looking after her children

sounds like SIL is coming to look after DC, wants to stay a bit longer so she can also have a break and now OP is saying no.

OP doesn’t want SIL to provide childcare, the childcare excuse is what her H is doing to trying to push her into agreeing to the visit.

So the childcare was offered in exchange for a weeks holiday (at ours). I had already planned to use holiday club.

I'm amazed at the responses saying I'm in the wrong here and causing difficulties. If SIL didn't feel the need to put me down at every opportunity perhaps there wouldn't be difficulties now. Also, I take it other posters here would quite happily be verbally insulted in their own homes?!!!

OP you are not wrong. Anyone who spoke to me like that wouldn't be putting a toe inside my house ever again, let alone staying for a week or being left in charge of my children. Fuck that shit.

But yeah, you have a DH problem. Tell him to pick a side and if it's not yours then what the hell is the point of being married to him?

Dh is free to see sil as much as he wants to but not to the detriment of his dw's mental health
. The dw he made vows to.. Presumably you share a family home not a registered B&B op? Sil can get to fuck imo.

A few years ago a similar thing happened to me - DH refused to say his mother couldn't stay for 2 weeks in spite of the fact that she expects to be waited on and as I work long days I don't have the time/energy to cook every night for her, get her breakfast ready, leave her lunch in the fridge, do additional things for her. He agreed to her staying. So she came on the Saturday, on the Sunday I received an urgent phone call to go away for work - and I went to Kuala Lumpar for just over a week. MIL never stayed again as the only one looking after her was DH. If you can engineer a "work trip" or similar it may work if he won't take no for an answer..

@Mari9999 Whoa! You're actually trying to say that it's acceptable for OP's husband to stand by and allow his sister to verbally abuse, berate & bully his WIFE in their home?! And that OP should just accept this because it's 'his house too' and if it bothers her she should just seek counselling?! That's absolutely appalling advice. Are you the SIL?!

@Lilyrose84

If
It were me I would message her myself sand say no is a full
Sentence.

It's really not?

Years ago when we were renting and had put an offer on a house, we invited the In-laws over for a nice lunch to tell them our news.
When my DH went outside with his dad my MIL really laid into me in front of SIL and her partner.
I think the loss of control that we had put in an offer without her input and permission had really made her snap.
Anyway, after they left I told my DH that I had taken that on the chin for his benefit, but I was never going to host a nice lunch in my home for them again.
And he respected that.
Your DH needs to respect your boundary that you are putting in place.

Since you think this example is relevant, I’m assuming your family and friends tell your dh he is fat and you should find someone else to be in a relationship with as you can do much better. Doesn’t that upset him? Your poor Dh, having to put up with that in his own home.

I get what you are saying but in my experience you can say no and some people will still insist like they haven’t heard your no at all. It’s what my mum might do. So OP’s DH could have said no 5 times and it would have no effect on his relatives.
By the way, I haven’t read the updates just answered the notification so have no idea how the thread moved on.

One thing is clear, you and your husband obviously didn't agree on anything. You don't want your husband's sister to visit... he does, hence him asking about dates and the big fall out now.

YANBU. DH is free to have a holiday in exchange for childcare at her house (while making quips about BIL weight as apparently that's cool too).

You mean lessons for dh family in manners and basic respect

Well she sounds like a right cow! You're absolutely right to veto her staying given how unpleasant she was. Your DH is being an arse. The reason why your MIL and SIL badger him though is because they know they can get to him. They do it because doing it works.

Tell him that if he gives in and allows her to come for the week you will be moving to your DMs for the week, and if he's not bloody careful it might be permanent because he has absolutely no right to put you in position where you are abused by his family.

I'd stick to your guns and say no. Suggest to dh that he goes stay with them?

Seems your MIL has raised her children to never grow up and stamp their feet to get their own way. Not read all the messages but would suggest you tell DH he can have the kids and his sis all week and you will go elsewhere.

You have every right to avoid toxic in-laws. Stand by your No. override your pathetic cowardly h.

A week is far too long for anyone to stay. I only have guests for 3 days max. I would never have anyone I didn’t like come and stay and my husband would throw anyone out who was rude to me.
OP I feel very sorry for you. I think MIL and SIL are trying to wear your down. I am guessing SIL lives some distance away.

The problem is your husband and his weak relationship with his manipulative family who have learnt that if they go on enough he will give in. And blame you not them!! That's what has to be sorted!